No one to blame but my own silly brain

When I was younger, I was jumpily nervous,anxious, and sensitive. I also know, at some level I was decent looking boy, as I would, in the way teens can be at times, was very obviously 'chased'. However my anxiety meant a lot of the early experiences were not the most satisfying ( for either of us) So I guess my shyness and fear of failing intimately maybe created an emotional distance as I pushed advances away. When I was younger I was incredibly sociable, and would be known among friends as a happy bachelor, having flings but not wanting to settle. Jump forward to a man in my 40's, I still at some level am that nervous boy, but it is hidden more, maybe overcompensating at times, as most of my current circle think of me as social, ( in non covid times!) confident and still, committed to not being 'tied down'. But these are just habits developed as strategies, as when younger, being 'seen' as being nervous was big no no, so the sharper aspects of it easily masked, in a social life that involved clubs and all the 'confidence' boosters provided in that environment. But if someone makes clear signals they are interested, even if I am attracted to them, I panic, and will often mess up any chance, of feign disinterest. I often get involved in women who are very unavailable, and I believe that unavailability is the lure at times. The truth be told, I'm so afraid. My own deep dislike of myself means I feel anyone I become intimate with will see right away all that I most dislike about myself, and concur, effectively confirming my beliefs. I do feel so sad and unfulfilled, and fear I will never know what its like to truly know, support and be supported by someone in a close bond. I feel my own self sabotage makes this increasingly impossible as the years clock by

23 Comments

Post a Comment

Great confession

Jun 27, 2021 at 8:56pm

Your level of insight and self-awareness is refreshing.

I don't know if this is helpful, but one thing I've noticed about the current times is that there is a social tension building between those intent on maintaining a curated image and those who are seeking to be more honest and vulnerable.

Following the call of your most authentic self is bound to lead you to a place where you feel at home with your entire being and perhaps more open to welcoming another person into your fold.

If we can learn to hold our own light and shadow as gently as we would twin babies, we can learn to be gentle with each other too.

OP, you're so wrong

Jun 27, 2021 at 9:11pm

Two things:
One... anyone who "sees" you sees all of you. Nobody is as hidden as we like to think.
Two... the ones interested in you see all the good as well as the bad, and choose you because they see you and they are good with it.
We all have flaws and baggage. It's just that you're used to it and have had a long time to self criticize. Give those interested a chance.

11 7Rating: +4

Anonymous

Jun 27, 2021 at 10:09pm

First off that's an incredible confession.

It's going to be very hard for you to find someone you say. Not sure, as you might yet meet someone who won't take no for an answer.

8 8Rating: 0

I think

Jun 27, 2021 at 10:57pm

You should show them this confession.

fear and abandon

Jun 28, 2021 at 12:37am

a person more observant than I... told me to breathe in these situations. give yourself enough oxygen to calm the anxious mind.

10 4Rating: +6

Female counterpart

Jun 28, 2021 at 5:49am

I completely understand your dilemma. I was also very self conscious and nervous when meeting men. Often I’d be so internally panicked if they showed me any interest that I’d shut them down even though I was interested too. I’d be beating myself up for being so dumb. I remember that it started when I was in junior high school, when a boy I had a crush on asked me to dance and I said no because I was so nervous that he actually liked me. He never spoke to me again lol. I wish I had some great advice for you about how to develop your self confidence, but I’m in my late 60’s now and meeting men still scares me silly.

23 4Rating: +19

If so

Jun 28, 2021 at 7:14am

Your confession hints at how self-aware you are. Having dated many people like you, I have never actually heard any of them admit what you’re stating here, even if I suspected as much. Congratulations on identifying your issue and wanting to get past it.

Please

Jun 28, 2021 at 10:34am

Please consider counselling. You can change how you feel about yourself and how you react. Wishing you all the best in the search for a loving mate.

27 3Rating: +24

Ugh

Jun 28, 2021 at 11:55am

Yes, you could be miserable forever. Or, you could acknowledge that you probably have an anxiety disorder, which is a treatable medical condition, and see a doctor like a grown up. The number of dudes who wants to complain and think they have the hardest lives because they liberally refuse to ever get appropriate help honestly boggles my mind.

Anonymous

Jun 28, 2021 at 12:35pm

Great confession.
Not sure it will make a difference in your life sharing it here " all anonymous like ".
But good for you !
Self doctoring 101 ;)
I'm sure once you get up off your ass and do something, great things will happen for you.
Silly

12 8Rating: +4

Join the Discussion

What's your name?