Caretaking

a disabled older family member (not old enough for a nursing home) also with personality disorders. I need to do almost everything for them, with no other family to help. They are so mean to me all the time that I have come to just hate them so much. They don't know it and don't have the capacity to have a sane discussion. If I bring up even a small thing, they just explode. So I go on seething quietly inside which isn't good for my health. I used to have strategies to just roll with it but it has been so many years now that all that's left is hate.

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Anonymous

Jul 23, 2021 at 6:10am

1 Make sure your mental and physical health is not compromised before you take care of others.
2 Your time is more important than theirs.
3 You are kind and caring, but you also need to learn from life problems and find a solution, like being more assertive, or more diplomatic, or just quit.
4 Why don’t you have another job or your own work/project/business? And let other family members deal with this? Maybe taking care of elders is your excuse and escape, so you don’t work on a real job or think about your career.

I went through the same things as you. I’m saying these based on my own experience and reflection.

6 2Rating: +4

You're an amazing person

Jul 23, 2021 at 8:41am

I doubt I'd have the patience to deal with such a situation. I'd probably let them deal with their own shit. If they get evicted, and probably tossed into jail or a psychiatric institution after that at least they'll be getting the 24/7 professional help they require.

4 0Rating: +4

Age......

Jul 23, 2021 at 10:10am

... is not the issue with care we have a neighbor who went in at about I think he was only 45 because he developed some sort of dementia type disorder. When my grandmother was in long-term care she had a guy in the building he was only about 55 and it was similar he'd been in care for 10 years but he had a brain problem that meant he couldn't take care of himself he was actually quite affable you know he could sit and have a nice conversation about the weather but everything else confused him I always thought maybe he was faking :,-)

You have no legal obligation to care for your family member and if they can't care for themselves like literally they couldn't go up and down stairs it becomes dicier if it's just that they have a personality or mental disorder and they don't want to then for some reason we tend to let those people just fester until they stop being able to walk. Because not being able to walk is the predominant thing that gets people in long-term care if they're living situation isn't copacetic. Have a friend who works in the industry and one of her new inmates he's had a stroke so he's immobile like he couldn't live where he was living but he doesn't have dementia like all the other inmates and he just hates it there because there's nothing to do you can't talk to the other inmates and this is one for people who are a bit sicker than where my grandmother was that was almost more like a hotel for adults who had decided they wanted a bit more care.

So you have no legal obligation to put up with abuse like this but what I wouldn't do is try and make it a big medical problem so that you know you can have a doctor tell your parent or relative or whatever they have a personality disorder I mean if this diagnosed or is this just you saying they have a personality disorder cuz they're a mean son of a bitch or whatever I mean whether there's any difference I don't know but you know my grandmother was very mean very mean but she was very prudent you know it wasn't like she hadn't lived a good life in a mast resources etc etc so I guess it's up to you what you want to do but you have no legal obligation to care for this person unless you get free rent from them in exchange and then while you're being paid why do you want some stranger to have to put up with it?

0 2Rating: -2

Anonymous

Jul 23, 2021 at 10:34am

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. I am in a similar situation where although I am not the “legal caretaker” for a disabled/mentally challenged family member, I’ve become quite close to her the past few years to a point where I am her only “friend.” I plan all the fun activities, help with technology, plan all the outings and social interactions, have daily phone calls, etc.
Nobody else in our extended family cares, they are all too busy living their own lives and being selfish. I just wish for once someone else would reach out to her so the weight could be lifted off my shoulders. Just know that your disabled family members is so so incredibly grateful to have you in their life, even if they can’t or don’t always express it. You are an angel on earth and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

6 0Rating: +6

Why doesn't our society just take proper care of everyone ?

Jul 23, 2021 at 1:32pm

the homeless, the abused, the elderly and also take care of the abusers with tuff luv

6 1Rating: +5

You've got yourself a tough situation there.

Jul 23, 2021 at 2:40pm

If no other family is available to help, consider reaching out for help from the community. It can’t hurt to just make a few calls and ask some questions. Start with a family doctor or Community Information and go from there. I am sincerely sorry they are mean to you. It sounds like you’ve become their punching bag. I would avoid interacting with this person beyond the bare minimum. If conversations result in him/her “exploding”, avoid having conversations. Stick to the bare minimums, like “please” “thank you” and the weather. Give some thought to building out your life, beyond caretaking for this one individual. If you had an increased level of support from the community, from a Home Health Aide for example, what things would YOU like to accomplish? What goals do you see for yourself? Start branching out, because you deserve it. Good luck.

10 0Rating: +10

Gerald

Jul 23, 2021 at 3:08pm

It's okay to walk away.

1 2Rating: -1

OP here

Jul 23, 2021 at 5:21pm

Thank you to those who responded. Just to clarify more: there are no other family members to help. It's not that they're unwilling, they just don't exist. I do have a job - have been working mostly from home bc of covid and they live with me so if they are evicted, so am I. They have been diagnosed and are on a lot of meds, and have trouble with stairs, even tho they are younger than me -I'm a senior! Tbh, I doubt if they feel grateful at all , just feel somewhat entitled. And I feel stuck.

7 0Rating: +7

@OP here

Jul 24, 2021 at 12:06pm

That sucks but don't make it about their feelings because hopefully you know enough about personality or dementia or whatever disorders to know that the way someone feels and behaves is because of how their body is it's not some metaphysical reality I mean you can believe in that if you want I know a lot to healthy young people who go on about you know Spirit realms and stuff but well that's very nice for them but it's not how reality is. So if they're mean and they've been diagnosed with mental disorders it's not that they feel entitled in some sort of abstract sense they behave a certain way because they have certain mental problems. Whether you want to deal with those or not that's another issue.

One thing that the medical establishment in BC will not do is focus on diet. Did you know that about 90% of North Americans are deficient in a nutrient called choline? I mean it's seriously bizarre reading about health and welfare and realizing that 90% of people have an objective deficiency that can cause all sorts of behavioral abnormalities and physical problems.

To me the first thing is always to look at diet because unless there's some bizarre genetic thing or they had a head injury then the only factor that could be is diet and that could have been prenatal diet because what they're finding now is that the amount of choline that the woman has while pregnant influences the whole life of the child and supplementing afterbirth doesn't fix it.

So I mean it can't hurt to increase the amount of eggs and liver and other nutrient dense foods that are eaten of course that's expensive but that's what the province has decide to do just give people pills even if you know the doctor asked what are you eat and they said oh I just have like half a box of cereal and a quart of milk every day the doctor wouldn't flinch the doctor would just go oh well that couldn't be the problem.

3 3Rating: 0

Anonymous

Jul 24, 2021 at 5:28pm

Check with the Health Authority and see if you can get some respite care, which means your difficult relative can go into a home for a few days once in awhile to give you a break.

8 0Rating: +8

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