Changing

I dont know what is happening to me. I was once so outgoing and bold and now I feel im becoming shy and kind of reserved. Just the thought of people looking at me is dreadful. I cant even be around overly confident people, it makes me feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable. Meanwhile I have some friends who seem to be getting more expressive and cant shut up about their opinions. Its becoming really hard to maintain certain friendships as they almost never understand or care and just continue droning on and on with their bloody loud speaker of a mouth. More and more I crave silence and peace.

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I understand that shell-shocked feeling

Jul 10, 2021 at 9:25pm

I read a good online discussion thread that solidly summed up the emotional stages of dealing with people who don't understand or care how their words and actions are impacting you: shock, disappointment, exhaustion, disgust, and indifference.

Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize. It'll just drain you even more to try to reason with unreasonable people.

Take the space you need to heal and come back to yourself. No rush or pressure to be social. We're all easing our way back into this populated hot tub; let's be patient with ourselves and each other as we adjust to the barometric changes in our inner and outer worlds.

7 0Rating: +7

Familiar

Jul 11, 2021 at 6:24am

The same thing happened to me too. In my case it was largely due to a couple of situations that caused me to lose my confidence, after being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist for several years. If you’ve happened to have been targeted by someone who relentlessly (and often subtly) criticizes you, gaslights you, and tries to control you, before you realize what’s happening you become a different person. This can happen in a work, friendship, or an intimate relationship. In my case it was an intimate relationship as well as a work situation. I’m only now beginning to find myself again, after many, many years.

9 1Rating: +8

As someone who has depression and anxiety...

Jul 11, 2021 at 8:16am

It sounds like you're developing depression and anxiety. Talk to a counselor, and if that doesn't do anything, talk to a doctor. Meanwhile, eat well, sleep properly, exercise, and try new things like meditation. Good luck.

9 1Rating: +8

Anonymous

Jul 11, 2021 at 5:06pm

I agree with the familiar comment, it can be anyone with access to you, your time, your space, even a neighbour. There's a difference between good change arising from internally working towards a goal and changing but not knowing why or feeling things like brain fog, resentment, disconnection from self. If it's change you're not happy with check your surroundings. Are there new people in your life since you started feeling this way? The hidden abuse is not as easy to figure out and by the time you do it can already have done the damage they were betting on. I would suggest making note of the people in your life, whether it's coworkers, family, friends, and the interactions you have. Do you notice yourself acting differently around any of them, or that you can't be who you are? Do you feel like you're on eggshells in any of those surroundings. Some people are good at acting like your friend, or the specific way they want to be seen as, when in reality they're constantly competing and sabotaging you.

8 0Rating: +8

There are...

Jul 11, 2021 at 5:30pm

... really only two solutions to your problem:

"Its becoming really hard to maintain certain friendships as they almost never understand or care and just continue droning on and on with their bloody loud speaker of a mouth."

They efface themselves and become less than they are for your comfort, or you grow and contend with them---think of conversation more like sparring or a sport than like some goodvibes only thing. Sometimes the other guy pops you in the jaw because you let your guard down. You're gonna heal, don't worry about it, but if every time he pops you in the jaw, you're all "OH GOD THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE, WHY DID YOU DO THAT???"

Or, as others have suggested, you can recede.

I am very talkative and confident (not just my own view, the people who like me, and there are at least a few, tend to ask "wow, how are you like what you are?" And I say "I was born this way, baby."

But the fact is, it's because I was raised to be confident, by fighting with my parents.

In life, their are fighters and feigners.

You're feigning. man up!

And if you don't like how they're going on and on...have you...said something, or are you sitting there frowning expecting them to read your "body language" because youre so fragile that all you can do is frown, you can't possibly go 'dude, shut the fuck up and let me talk?' If they're your friends, they'll be fine with it...

Also, I have never seen such a Canadian anti-tall-poppy-post. "I have all of these confident friends, what a pissoff!"

5 3Rating: +2

@There are

Jul 12, 2021 at 7:34am

Talk about a lack of empathy or compassion! Does it occur to you that the Op is describing something that often happens to someone who has been a victim of abuse? The depressive symptoms may very well be as a direct result of being bullied or otherwise abused. Furthermore, depression itself can make it very hard for someone to tolerate being around loud people or situations. There’s also the possibility that the Op might just be a highly sensitive person who is overwhelmed by these types of people because they cannot just shut it down internally like some people can. When you literally notice everything going on in your environment (it’s the way their brains and nervous systems are wired). Your extremely aggressive response indicates that you’re triggered by this type of sensitivity. I’m sorry for you that your life experience has made you feel this way, because it was likely painful for you. However, just because you’ve chosen to respond to your environment by becoming, as you put it, a fighter, doesn’t mean that other people are just like you, or that your way is the only way. I’m actually really glad that it’s not, because there’s already too many loud and aggressive types around in my opinion!

5 0Rating: +5

@@There are

Jul 12, 2021 at 7:07pm

The problem is that none of these dispositions are fixed they can all change neuroplasticity is a real thing and it's far greater than almost anybody is going to imagine in my view.

But as like smashing pumpkins saying so many years ago I'm in love with my sadness. The brain has ruts in it and a lot of people you see the problem is the behavior describing works on some people like it won't work on me if someone's body language tells me they're not comfortable with the topic of conversation or if I'm aware I'm the one doing most of the talking for a while I tried voluntarily receding and diminishing myself. What I found was that it didn't really improve my relationships with my good friends and it also didn't make me any more acceptable to the people who would have standoffish body language because I'm the scapegoat.

And of course I have empathy for people who have had really serious situations I mean but at the same time like your dad yelled at you and now whenever anybody raises their voice your triggered or whatever. Well I'm very sorry it's very sad that Daddy did that to you but the fact that you haven't developed enough to be able to see me as a different person than your daddy because I'm a tall male and your dad was taller than you when he yelled at you or whatever I mean that's how these sorts of things that I think you're talking about happen there's this identification of me because I'm a tall confident powerful male with the father who disciplined you or yelled at you or whatever or abused you whatever it is I'm not saying that's right but it's not my problem.

It's not a lack of empathy that I have boundaries about what I'll consider a legitimate problem or not. Like someone came back from Vietnam and setting off fireworks caused him to have like an episode and he was my next door neighbor if he told me I might consider not lighting off fireworks. But someone who just whines about oh I don't like all that loud noise... This doesn't mean I lack empathy cuz I go well deal with it buddy we all have to deal with noise we don't like.

Also speaking is a somewhat brash confident person I have zero problem with someone talking back to me telling me I'm an idiot anything like that go ahead. But if you're going to sit there making frowny faces expecting me to stop myself that's just going to make me go in for the kill

0 1Rating: -1

@OP

Jul 13, 2021 at 12:53am

Hang in there.

People change with time, someone you once adored can become the most irritating person in town in the space of a few years. If you no longer enjoy the company of certain friends, it’s okay to distance a bit and set up some boundaries for more time on your own.

I can relate to different things you’ve shared. I feel I was more outgoing and eager to make friends in my early twenties. 10 years on, I value my own time, a small group of close friends, and don’t try to please others like I used to.

As some others have suggested, you may want to speak with a professional if you’re feeling a bit down or unhappy generally. What I do want you to know is that what you’re going through is normal, but it can feel lonely and unfamiliar at times.

2 0Rating: +2

@ there are

Jul 15, 2021 at 3:50am

Your confidence is extraordinary but you seem to lack any real empathy for anyone but yourself.
Your backtracking on your original comment because it made you look uncaring in some anonymous persons eyes makes you look a bit weak.
Carry on be so outgoing and so strong bahaha

0 0Rating: 0

@familiar

Jul 15, 2021 at 8:16pm

"targeted by someone who relentlessly (and often subtly) criticizes you, gaslights you". Not op but worked lol around plenty of types like that. Always surprised to see them in an upright position and not slithering around on the ground in their natural state.

4 0Rating: +4

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