Life's been good to me, easier then most. People know me as the man that has it all. I look good on paper. Sad to say no takers for longterm. I'm never alone alone, I always score mindless dating, nothing substantial to lift my spirits, Im beginning to see why..Ive messed up any good healthy possible relationship. When certain connections dont materialize the way I planned for whatever reason, I flashback and it infuriates me..in that moment Im consumed by seething rage and bitterness to demean and mess with women I anticipate will reject me any way I can, their friendships, relationships, confidence, career, nothing is off limit until I push them away for good. I let my anger at past opportunities I was rejected get the best of me. If only I didnt let my past make me that way and told them how I felt..But what did I do? Childishly pick them apart to avoid thinking on my pitiful issues, focus my anger on them and resort to games instead of focusing on me. I want a do over , apologize and do better, .. I feel a heaviness I cant escape..I know Im one of the lucky few who didnt lose anything over the pandemic.. that can change any day and I hate to say that day is getting closer. I put on a good game but i don't like what I see in the mirror.. I look smaller and smaller. I fear what I tried to avoid is catching up to me. ..