but i'll carry on. just exhausted. seeking to understand others all the while being very misunderstood, it feels like too much work these days. i don't know how people have the energy to date as they do with frequency? i suppose one summer i did that, i've had small bursts of that, but lately i don't want to see anyone at all. for example, the people i matched with online last year and had months of conversation with, i suddenly don't feel inclined to go on a date when they ask me, when in fact, i should. i wanted to! why does it feel so bothersome now? even the person that i missed so much, in the impossible chance they asked i might say yes and meet them out of mania, and then see myself walking home deciding to never see them again because i feel so numb. the act of dating draws all of my energy out of me. i think i'm depressed. financial stress will tear you apart inside out, so i'm learning. it will eat your romance and all of your desire. i am content spending time with friends, anything that isn't intimate. but a life without romance, even just the romance within you, is a sad one.