i am tired of living

but i'll carry on. just exhausted. seeking to understand others all the while being very misunderstood, it feels like too much work these days. i don't know how people have the energy to date as they do with frequency? i suppose one summer i did that, i've had small bursts of that, but lately i don't want to see anyone at all. for example, the people i matched with online last year and had months of conversation with, i suddenly don't feel inclined to go on a date when they ask me, when in fact, i should. i wanted to! why does it feel so bothersome now? even the person that i missed so much, in the impossible chance they asked i might say yes and meet them out of mania, and then see myself walking home deciding to never see them again because i feel so numb. the act of dating draws all of my energy out of me. i think i'm depressed. financial stress will tear you apart inside out, so i'm learning. it will eat your romance and all of your desire. i am content spending time with friends, anything that isn't intimate. but a life without romance, even just the romance within you, is a sad one.


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Hot take-out food for thought

Sep 2, 2021 at 1:49pm

Creating endless options can be a trauma response to wanting the one thing we think we can’t have.

We create the illusion of choice in order to abandon that which is in our truest alignment before it abandons us.

When a saturation point is reached, we become overstimulated by those people and things which do not satisfy life’s deeper cravings, and can consequently become withdrawn and depressed.

Not sure if this resonates with your situation, but if it does please know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid.

13 3Rating: +10

Seek to be understood

Sep 2, 2021 at 6:21pm

It is a need and a human pleasure. Good for the soul. Someone told me art is often an attempt for the artist to be understood. So I guess it can be beautiful too. But it doesn’t have to be! (especially at first or right now when you’re feeling drained. )

4 1Rating: +3

You don't seem in the mood

Sep 3, 2021 at 7:37am

Honestly, you sound right to not want to date with the baggage you have right now. You would likely project that onto whomever you did date. However, the good news, is that you seem to have an understanding of what is bothering you and in time can probably get past one and go back to dating. :)

2 1Rating: +1

I think you're depressed, too

Sep 3, 2021 at 8:10pm

Good thing it's treatable. I hope you get back to enjoying life soon.

4 1Rating: +3

“Good thing it’s treatable”

Sep 4, 2021 at 6:38am

I want to challenge this statement. Depression is “suppressible” with medication, etc. but eventually you have to face it head on in a radically honest way.

This is no easy task. It’s like battling a monster and takes a lot of courage, effort, and inner strength on the part of the depressed person.

“Good thing it’s treatable” does not quite capture all that is involved in facing the beast. I don’t mean to be a dick and I know people who say this statement mean well, but I think it’s time we re-evaluate how we talk about mental illness.

7 1Rating: +6

Same, sort of

Sep 4, 2021 at 8:30am

But in my case now it’s less serious depression and more just wanting to heal from a terrible relationship that ended a few months ago. I’ve got zero interest in dating and zero interest in getting back with that person. I’ve also decided to totally focus on myself (and close family and friends) until I’ve got myself back to some sort of stability. I’ve got nothing to give to anyone else right now. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to not date, but since it does seem that you’re depressed, I suggest that you focus only on dealing with that, because if you don’t, the rest won’t work anyway.

5 1Rating: +4

@same, sort of

Sep 4, 2021 at 6:42pm

Hugs. You sound like you need hugs. Kind of worse than the op. Here are hugs.

7 2Rating: +5

op @same, sort of

Sep 4, 2021 at 8:00pm

i also left a terrible thing a few months ago. to think of dealing with that person is a mix of guilt but also pain, from them. don't want their neglect or anyone really.

4 1Rating: +3

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