Worried about her

I’m worried about a very close family member who is heading towards heartbreak. She’s in her 60’s and has a male friend who she’s known since high school, that she’s falling in love with. Her husband died several years ago and she’s been alone ever since. This friend knows the whole family and her husband, and I know he’s not in love with her. He only sees her when he’s single (he’s one of those old bachelor guys who’s a serial dater), and other than that she rarely heard from him . But lately he’s been hanging around at her place all the time ever since his most recent relationship ended. It’s what he does with every woman he dates. She cooks for him. She drives him places. He doesn’t seem to do anything for her except hang out at her place acting like he lives there. He’s nice enough but I think he’s using her and I don’t want to see her get hurt. I want to say something but I also know that it’s her business, but I care about her so much and she’s already had enough hurt in her life. I was thinking of saying something to him but it’s very awkward since he’s kind of like an uncle and I’m sure he’s just going to get angry and deny it, even if I’m right. So I’m just biting my tongue but it’s so hard to watch.

19 Comments

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Mixed Messages

Sep 6, 2021 at 7:12am

"He's nice enough" & "He's just going to get angry and deny it, even if I'm right". Sounds like he's got you BOTH right where he wants you. Good luck.

11 1Rating: +10

Anonymous

Sep 6, 2021 at 7:23am

I'll trade you one evil stepmother ...

who sucks the blood out of any inheritance that might normally have been coming.

8 1Rating: +7

Desire for control masked as “care”

Sep 6, 2021 at 7:45am

These are consenting, grown-ass adults who can live their lives as they please. Considering all she’s been through, your aunt may be wiser than you think.

If you truly care about her, drop the nosy neighbour act and stop sending “anticipation of failure” vibes her way. This is a mindset that has the capacity to do harm and break trust.

6 11Rating: -5

Aleesa

Sep 6, 2021 at 10:07am

Definitely sounds hard to watch. Here's one idea: google "reasonable relationship expectations" (or something similar), then sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart. You could even ask first if she's open to hearing an observation from you as someone who cares about her a lot. If so, share your feelings using "I" language, like "I feel very worried about you" and give her the reasons why, and if she's open, share the reasonable relationship expectations with her. Hopefully she'll look at them and see she's putting in way more than she's getting back. Good luck - this is a real tough one!

14 4Rating: +10

Sometimes a spoken word of warning is a wake up call

Sep 6, 2021 at 10:16am

And sometimes people have to learn their own lessons the hard way.

12 1Rating: +11

@op

Sep 6, 2021 at 10:37am

I have an uncle who can be kind & sweet one minute, misogynistic & manipulative the next. Very two faced, insecure, controlling, burnt his brains on dope & other recreational chemicals in the 60's & 70's. A handful of failed marriages, a lot of women, some of them really lovely people. And there's no way to warn them because it's absolutely none of my business. A very frustrating thing to witness.

13 4Rating: +9

Anonymous

Sep 6, 2021 at 11:59am

Downvotes from users? Uncle?

11 3Rating: +8

If...

Sep 6, 2021 at 3:28pm

It's what he does with every woman he dates and he's known to the family then this probably is something that your relative knows. It's also a generational thing. People of that generation are in some sense a lot more mature than younger people about relationships. Like the whole ethos now this person what 60 and 2020 born in 1960 or thereabouts is a had a far more relaxed attitude towards things than young people today who send to either hook up or have these Notions about the things. Unless he's like getting her to put his name on the title to the house or something I would say it's not your business. You've also not said she's unhappy driving him around and cooking for him. If I had someone who would just come to my house everyday just to eat dinner with me and let me cook for them I would do that and pay for all the food I would even go and pick them up and bring them here if they would come eat with me every day. I have not eaten a meal with anyone in over 10 years other than family at holidays.

14 8Rating: +6

Op

Sep 6, 2021 at 7:24pm

I said he’s sort of like an uncle, but I didn’t say he is my uncle.

@If - I’m sorry that you’re so lonely, but it seems like you’re suggesting that if someone is lonely it’s okay for someone else to take advantage of that. What worries me is that every time before where he’s suddenly around a lot, he just does a disappearing act as soon as he starts seeing some other woman. Then I get to see her get all sad again. I know that she’s falling for him because I’m younger but I’m no kid. I can tell by how she acts around him now, compared to before. I did say that I’m biting my tongue because I know it’s her business, but it’s really, really hard to watch them hurting when you love someone.

9 3Rating: +6

Anonymous

Sep 6, 2021 at 8:57pm

Yes 5 downvotes from users.

4 1Rating: +3

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