posted November 4th, 2021 at 4:32 AM
I get lonely due to the pandemic and at the beginning of the summer all my friends and associates seem to get into relationships. All moving in with their new people within a few weeks.I definitely have fomo. But now that the dust has settled and listening to the stories, many are living with people with kids who are still married. They talk like everything is for forever. That they went from lonely to perfect life, perfect job, perfect everything in an instant. It sounds a lot like I used to every time I got into, what would be a toxic relationship. I don't know if it's my fomo, or the thought of watching relationship after relationship disintegrate in the next few months. Even a few parents I know have this view that all their kids new beau's will be "the one". Like they've hit lottery wins in every direction of their lives. My life isn't not exciting right now, but I am not sure I want to go from 0 to 100 and blow through a bazillion red flag stop signs either. Then again. maybe Im just being bitter
9 CommentsPost a Comment
Nov 4, 2021 at 1:40pm
In the spring of 2020, I was envious of people who had partners, then I wasn't.
Nov 4, 2021 at 2:11pm
... people who are obsessed with red flags and things like that are not really looking at other people as humans but as clumps of characteristics aggregated around a sort of name or something. You sound fairly better You sound fairly bitter. My experience is that most children start out as trusting and then overtime they develop a way of filtering out people and if that goes to the point that you're constantly looking at everybody as a forensic case or a potential forensic case I don't know that that's a good way to approach things. Most of the happily married people I know did not engage in prolonged courtship before marriage nor did they really have a checklist involved. If there was it was something like OG you're tall. So I would strike while the iron is hot because if you're in a position to strike the iron yourself you might not always be in that position
Nov 4, 2021 at 6:24pm
I'm pretty sure "living with people with kids who are still married" is a screaming red flag and not a clump of characteristics.
You’re on the right track
Nov 4, 2021 at 8:25pm
Please listen to your gut instincts! Rarely are they wrong. The comment suggesting that anyone who’s concerned about red flags is just bitter is wrong. There’s a very good reason why certain things make us uncomfortable. Mostly those feelings are there to guide us. Ignoring them will lead to the disaster that is currently my life. But that’s a whole other story…
Nov 4, 2021 at 11:29pm
This sort of robotic attitude toward life smacks of subjugation and illiberality. The issue is that instead of judging from the totality of circumstances, and being willing to take a risk, you make a judgment based on these "rules" you have internalized.
"many are living with people with kids who are still married"
This could mean a couple of things:
(1) Living in a family home in some sort of poly relationship with someone who is still married to the biological parent of the children.
(2) Biological parents have separated, but are still married, so they are living independently, and one has taken on a partner.
Both scenarios would require a high degree of maturity, and not everyone could hack either one. There is also Dr. Laura's advice that once you have kids, you don't date, if you get divorced, too bad, but you don't bring a strange partner into the relationship.
The point I am making is that the situation would depend on the personalities of the individuals involved, not on some abstract notion of "red flag."
Any system of grading or a heuristic, or inductive reasoning more generally, is going to have false positives or false negatives.
The question then becomes one of risk tolerance: presume your 'red flagging" system enables you to avoid seriously objectionable situations. It will also, as every system does, cause you to avoid situations that would have been fine. And it also won't be perfect, so maybe you will mis-perceive these "red flags" etc. etc.
My experience is also that "red flags" tend to exist in a social milieu, e.g. someone who is trying to "justify" their relationship to friends, with friends going "NUH-UH GIRLFRIEND, THAT'S A RED FLAG!"
It's not that they're wrong 100% of the time---it's that they're not right 100% of the time either.
So it depends on what frightens or concerns you more, missing out or opting in and being uncomfortable.
I am the sort of kid who was afraid to ride in go-karts, afraid to walk across suspension bridges, etc. etc. All sorts of "red flags." My life improved a lot once I got over it and realized it was no way to live, for me anywy.
Nov 5, 2021 at 6:42am
I choose to trust my gut, and it’s telling me “blah, blah, blah, baffle them with BS.” Choosing to eschew obfuscation is a major red flag.
Nov 5, 2021 at 6:59am
Great rational logical thought- my thoughts exactly: taking responsibility for one's actions and thought.
However, on this forum, expect a lot of down votes as those are frowned upon here.
Nov 5, 2021 at 7:29am
Like a successful cult leader or professor trying to fuck his students, you are attempting to turn lead into gold here.
I am more than willing to be perceived by you as unimaginative (unpliable), immature (asking better for myself), and fearful (listening to the voice inside telling me "no") if that means I can be free of you.
Never again am I going to twist myself into an uncomfortable shape just to be with someone.
Nov 5, 2021 at 8:53am
Lol funny !
They are just looking to save money by moving together !
Apartments are so hard to find and so damn expensive.
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