Kill the Singer

I despise my sister's fiance and I can't conceal it any longer. He doesn't even consider her to the point where he takes the car to see friends while she is forced to carry home heavy groceries for 30minutes, in the rain. He is using COVID as an excuse to keep her from her family and friends, while his "bubble" seems to include whomever he wants to socialize with. She is joyless from working all the time to support them as well as taking on all of the household chores because he is "focused on his music". He controls their social calendar and prioritizes holidays for his relatives only. If I want to see her these days, I have to expressly invite her over to my house and even then he comes along and is surly and miserable and an uncomfortable cloud hangs over his area the entire time. The only thing worse than how he treats her is that she said "yes" and actually wants to spend the rest of her life living like this. I am worried as I haven't seen her smile or her eyes shine in all the years she has been with him.

18 Comments

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It sounds like your sister is stuck ina classic case of when

Nov 25, 2021 at 2:45pm

The screwing you are getting ain't worth the screwing you are getting and you are getting royaly SCREWED. She needs to say to that Bozo ... Srew You ! And then go forward and make a better life for herself.

13 2Rating: +11

Well...

Nov 25, 2021 at 3:01pm

Read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men". Bancroft is an American counsellor who works with abusive men, and says - quite correctly - that the men who are emotionally and verbally abusive can do even more damage than those who are physically abusive, as there are no scars and so people don't believe the women are being abused.

What you've described is text book what he describes in the book - from cutting her off from her family and friends (so she won't have a safety net if she wants to leave), controlling who she can be around, what she does, etc.

She's very lucky in that you are perceptive and see what's going on. He's probably torn down her self-esteem so she believes she can't do better and feels she can't leave him.

Read the book, and then decide if she might benefit from reading it as well. (I've had women clients tell me they've found it painful to read as they recognized themselves in it.) It's a quick read (not too academic) but really hits those high points that you've described already.

If she does decide to leave him (which I hope she does, as I can only see a life of misery for her, and worse if they have kids), she's going to need a lot of support around her as he won't want to easily let her go.

But it sounds like you'd be willing to be her cheerleader if she needs one (which she will, either way). She's lucky to have you. All the best to her - I hope it works out.

26 2Rating: +24

Surely…

Nov 25, 2021 at 4:29pm

He must be a famous or successful musician? How else could she tolerate being with, yet wanting to MARRY such an asshole? I could only see someone logically staying in such a relationship if the guy was some sexy icon or something. Even so, she deserves better.

7 3Rating: +4

Sady

Nov 25, 2021 at 5:32pm

It sounds like sister is blind to what and who this D-bag really is……She will learn the hard way as time passes.

5 1Rating: +4

uknow

Nov 25, 2021 at 6:38pm

as her brother maybe you should step up & have a man to man chat with him. if that fails perhaps an intervention with him & a few of your largest buddies?

5 2Rating: +3

DTMFA

Nov 25, 2021 at 6:40pm

is what she needs to do. My "musician" husband wouldn't contribute to the household or child rearing as he needed "creative space." This space became sleeping til noon, and starting the day with a triple whisky while settling into video games. Sex and family outings both stopped. I would never marry anyone again who 1. Didn't have a steady job or 2. Treated me badly.

15 2Rating: +13

The co-dependent dance

Nov 25, 2021 at 8:40pm

She sounds co-dependent, and he sounds like the exact type that co-dependents flock to. Somehow, maybe with your help, she must learn to love herself and put her own needs before his. His type chips away at self-esteem so slowly that, while it may be visible to you and everyone else, she has come to accept her powerlessness as being normal. Time for an intervention.

12 1Rating: +11

Maybe try

Nov 26, 2021 at 1:08am

open ended comments to her like "I've noticed the way he talks to you, if you ever want to talk I'm here for you." Make a date with only her once a week for coffee to check in. Make sure you are non-judgemental - if she feels judged, she'll likely feel shame and won't reach out. Abuse is slowly corrosive - she may be convinced that she doesn't deserve better. After someone is treated that way they can start to believe it and doubt their inner voice. There are crisis lines she can call for support, to confirm her reality, give her examples of emotional abuse so she can find her way through to a healthier place in her life.

Problem is we can't force the people we care about to seek help/treatment etc. Please continue to be a soft place for her to land so she can feel safe coming to you for assistance. Good luck.

16 1Rating: +15

I think I've read about this kind of thing.

Nov 26, 2021 at 4:02am

Didn't Dan Savage do a column recently about people who enjoy being submissive to an aloof partner? I forget what it is called, but I am certain that there is some lengthy, trying-hard-to-be-clever label with an acronym for it like "cuck-sub-hausfrau-roleplay"??? Maybe everyone is getting exactly what they need in a co-dependent way.

If not, she should leave him.

3 1Rating: +2

The deal

Nov 26, 2021 at 5:46am

Here’s the deal. Girlfriend has an attachment disorder due to unresolved childhood trauma that caused her to seek out a manipulative guy like this one. So-called chemistry between them meant she fell into an unhealthy relationship based on a template modelled by neglect or adverse childhood experiences. Her lack of self-love means she stays with him because it’s the only relationship pattern she’s been programmed to view as normal, which is one in which her own needs go unmet. None of this matters though if she’s not awake to what I’ve just described. It’s your responsibility to awaken her.

10 1Rating: +9

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