Baby it's cold outside

I wish I had someone to cuddle up with. My husband hasn't touched me in ten years and we sleep in separate rooms. Pathetic I know. No love lost when we split, I just don't know when or how I can do that without devastating my children.

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Well

Dec 27, 2021 at 4:36pm

Maybe you both should try an open relationship.

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Children are much smarter than you think

Dec 27, 2021 at 4:54pm

It probably hurts them more knowing you two don’t love each other. Split sooner rather than later before you’ve instilled an unhealthy idea of love in their minds.

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Maybe your children

Dec 27, 2021 at 4:57pm

are feeling like I did when it became obvious my parents weren't happy together (despite no arguments) and are hoping you'll divorce.
Being around that (& seeing that most couples who stay together Aren't truly happy, just comfortable & afraid of being single) caused me to choose to stay single.

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That's unfortunate

Dec 27, 2021 at 5:39pm

Doesn't sound like you and your husband are setting a very good relationship example for your kids. Hopefully they don't end up in similar relationships when they're older.

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I hear you

Dec 27, 2021 at 5:48pm

Same boat here basically. Still lots of fun family times together. But zero intimacy.

"It's love's illusions I recall, i really don't know love at all."

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My dad...

Dec 27, 2021 at 6:24pm

... left when I was five. I don't think smart children care if their parents love one another. Adult life is not about love it is about duty. If two adults cannot manage to be kind to one another with kids, separating won't make much difference, they are fundamentally unkind people.

Unless there is overt abuse, physical abuse, not just "he talks in a way I find abusive" then the appropriate thing to do is to go "well, it's about duty to the children, not love."

Parents do not need to love one another, they need to be civil and act in the best interest of the child. This is not always possible, but don't try to act like it's necessarily in the best interest of the child because home-life is about some lovey-dovey fantasy. If it is for you and yours, great, but that's a luxury.

Two parents are necessary. Inevitably, one parent will not have enough energy to look after the children and that is a far greater problem than some nonspecific concerns about the children being "truly happy" or "learning what love is." Love is grea tif you can get it, but lack of love doesn't mean dysfunction, there is still civility, honor, duty and integrity. You are honor-bound to support your spouse and children even if you do not love them.

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Therapy

Dec 27, 2021 at 7:43pm

Might help!

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@ My dad

Dec 27, 2021 at 8:23pm

My dad was gone by the time I was 2 and my mother did more than a fine job with me and my 5 other siblings on her own. Plenty of people have lost a parent at a young age not related to divorce where both parents are still very much active in their children's lives. Plenty of people have lost a parent due to wars, accidents, illnesses, and crimes. They never see that parent again, yet they heal, adapt, grow stronger to the harsh realities life can hit us with and persevere. Two parents are a privilege, but not a necessity.

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@My Dad

Dec 27, 2021 at 9:19pm

You’ve clearly got some unresolved issues due to your father leaving. I’m sorry that you had such a painful thing happen to you. However, it doesn’t mean that you’re in any way qualified to dictate what other people “should” do. Nor do you get to decide what someone else should be obligated to do, other than take care of their children in the best way for them. Staying together for the children doesn’t work most of the time. Watching one’s parent suffer in a loveless marriage doesn’t help children, believe me. Being civil is all well and good, but each person also deserves love and happiness, and that doesn’t go away simply because you had a child. Perhaps if you had any yourself you’d be in a better position to understand the many complexities involved in both marriage and parenting. It’s never as black and white as you seem to believe. Maybe I’m mistaken, but from what you wrote it seems like you don’t have children and you’ve never been married.

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When I was a kid

Dec 27, 2021 at 10:11pm

I was relieved my parents didn't break up. Now as an adult, I can see they would have been much happier had they divorced and we the children would've wound up much more healthy -- emotionally, psychologically, sexually. Please do what's in your own best interest.

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