how can i be so stupid??

I met and moved in with a dude, fast. spent all my savings on him and starting our life together. over $100,000.00. Went in DEBT for a further $20,000.00 for him. we are still together, broke, and somehow, he blames me, takes no responsibility, leaves me to deal with all the work of living, grocery shopping - cleaning - food prep and meal stuff. I cleared all his debt, now he in debt again, my fault too. I have not been this broke in 30 yrs, i cannot even afford to leave if i wanted to. i cannot talk to him without upsetting him, when he drinks he is mean to me, and only me it seems. and i am such a loser that i love him, but i am so so tired. all i do is wonder what is so wrong with me? i am an idiot, i regret so much, but now i am stuck. and it is only my fault. i cannot recover financially now, and if i leave him, no one wants me, and i really can't date again. i make bad choices and cannot be trusted. so i stay, i deserve this, and him snapping so much at me. i deserve to be broke and alone but married and cleaning up after him.

17 Comments

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You’re not alone

Apr 14, 2022 at 8:29am

From where I’m standing, this guy is financially and emotionally abusive. It is not your fault.

Awful as it is, what you’ve described is a pattern that happens in relationships with narcissistic people. Bad things happen that are not your fault and you internalize the blame. You are not alone. You had good intentions going in to this partnership and did not ask for this outcome.

You do not deserve this. You deserve better. One of the most insidious parts of emotional abuse is that we take on so much shame and think that everything is our fault. It is not your fault.

Does anyone have resources for women’s organizations that the OP could call that could talk to her and help her see a way out?

13 3Rating: +10

I would rather

Apr 14, 2022 at 10:52am

live alone in a little shack in the hills, than live with a monster

15 5Rating: +10

Your not stupid!

Apr 14, 2022 at 2:34pm

You see your situation from the wrong direction, because your were taught by a person (ie the big meany) backwards hill Billie thinking. Realize your better than remember anything that can invoke and empower you and use leave him in the dust and find your guy you know the one stole your heart! Good luck tcoys.

3 2Rating: +1

Dr. Real

Apr 14, 2022 at 2:44pm

Love doesn't cost a thing, and you're never really stuck. But you might have a extreme case of stockholmes syndrome. Anyhow you made your bed, so now you have to lay in it. I wish you the best of luck. But let this be a lesson to the rest of you, that people don't reveal their true-self until the love bombing & honey mooning phase has ended.

8 5Rating: +3

Man

Apr 14, 2022 at 4:50pm

how do these broke ass losers get girlfriends? Maybe i should quit my job and start drinking and gaining weight since thats what women seem to want.

9 8Rating: +1

We Don't Deserve [J]

Apr 14, 2022 at 4:56pm

Deserving is an invention. What we deserve, what we think we deserve. If there's any such thing as a scale that measures our value, we don't have access to it, and there's no sense guessing. We accept the love we believe we deserve, like the author says. That's what you're doing. He does not love you. Would you treat someone you love the way he treats you?

You aren't a bad person, you don't deserve pain, you just made a mistake. Everyone does it. If you could travel back in time, what would you change? Make the same change now. It'll hurt, and it'll be a disaster of a mess, and it might take you years to recover. But what else are you going to do?

It's never too late to choose yourself. The only thing that changes over time is that it'll hurt more when you do.

7 1Rating: +6

Leave him

Apr 15, 2022 at 11:42am

You think you can’t afford to buy trust me, you can’t not afford to. Get out.

13 2Rating: +11

@Man

Apr 15, 2022 at 11:35pm

I'm not saying this purely from a cynical ideal, but from years of observing coworkers, my sisters, my cousins,and the myriad of women I've dated. It's because many/most women want a guy that they can mold into what they want ie to tame the bad boy.

But in their past, is a stream of great guys that got friend zoned because they didn't quite measure up in the "must have" list of 50 demands for the perfect guy. Because- heaven forbid- they should have to "settle".

And now in my early 40's, women of all ages can't seem to stay away from me- but it's far too late as I gave up 15 years ago and am permanently unavailable.

DTMFA

Apr 16, 2022 at 12:42am

Based on your description, he is toxic. Get out now. It’s hard for you to see how he has conditioned you, but once you break free, life will be so much better. It won’t be easy to do but one day you will clearly see how screwed up this situation is once you gain back some self-esteem.

15 1Rating: +14

@dr. real

Apr 16, 2022 at 10:32am

What a horrible thing to say to this lady.
"You made your bed now lie in it".
She is clearly in pain and needs to leave this horrific man.
Why would you say that ?
"Made your bed now lie in it "
Are you a mean person too ?
I tell you where YOU can lay 6 feet under buddy !

5 4Rating: +1

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