My Wife had an Affair

It was short lived, none the less, it was still an affair. She said it was a desperate attempt to get me to notice her. We did stay together, but it was never the same. The affront was to much. Some time has passed since then and only now do I realize – looking back, at that time I was ignorant and very selfish. I was there physically but She was alone. She was alone, lonely, and She was very, very desperate. Desperate enough to have an affair. An irrational desperate act by a very desperate person. And now, when I look back, for some reason I feel that I should apologize.

15 Comments

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Crispy Because I'm Burnt

May 20, 2022 at 6:08pm

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. I suppose you could. It might help you both heal.

2 1Rating: +1

Kgnarly Phony Baloniness that is the business of marriage

May 20, 2022 at 9:48pm

You and your poor wife. How long were you married 5 years? Usually about that time, hmm no wait is it 7 years where they start cheating??? Sad when a marriage fails due to poor communication skills. . Doubtful you had to presciently pick up energy to see impending doom though.

6 6Rating: 0

Complexities

May 21, 2022 at 3:43am

Marriage or any other long-term relationship is full of complexities. I have had two long term relationships that both lasted close to two decades, and there were times of great harmony and happiness and times of misery and unhappiness in both. Communication breakdown is the number one issue that creates the lack of harmony in a relationship in my opinion. From speaking with other women and reading a ton of information about relationships, it seems to be a frequent issue that the woman will be trying desperately to communicate her unhappiness but the guy is either unwilling to communicate or doesn’t know how. By the time both of my own long relationships ended I had simply given up trying because it seemed futile. Women often report that they felt terribly lonely in their relationship and that their partner just wouldn’t communicate in the way that they needed. Men often reported that they were surprised when their partner cheated or left them (or both) because they thought everything was fine because their wife wasn’t talking about being unhappy. So I think the message is that if your partner stops complaining or expressing their concerns, be aware that they may have just given up. Paying attention to your partner’s needs is the most important part of a relationship for all parties.

17 1Rating: +16

cuckhold

May 21, 2022 at 4:36am

If they've had an affair and not lost their marriage, they'll do it it again. Savage love on this site talks a lot about being cuckholded. This is the position you are in right now. How you deal with it long term is on you, but take a step back and think about how it will feel down the road when you get hurt again.

1 11Rating: -10

Are you taking too much of the blame?

May 21, 2022 at 5:47am

Cheating is a big trust-breaker, and it sounds like your wife may have been projecting her shame onto you so she didn’t have to face it.

It’s good to identify where we went wrong, but assuming responsibility for the dysfunction of both parties sounds like an unreasonable burden for you to carry, OP.

8 3Rating: +5

@Kgnarly

May 21, 2022 at 10:44am

I understand it's not the 'seven year itch' it's actually four years. I like to think that people should be more up front and instead of cheating, deal with the issues on a one to one first (assuming that wasn't done in this case) then split if it's not working. All you're doing when you cheat is creating more BS on top of BS and sabotaging the relationship while needlessly dragging a third party into the mess. Doesn't resolve squat.

6 2Rating: +4

Alex Claget

May 21, 2022 at 11:59am

This is some simp nonsense. If you weren't their for her physically she should have communicated it to you and attempted a solution before commiting the ultimate betrayal.

3 8Rating: -5

Umm

May 21, 2022 at 3:38pm

Her affair was an attempt to get you to notice her? That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

4 0Rating: +4

@ Alex

May 21, 2022 at 5:11pm

See the post "Complexities". The OP notes that she felt he didn't "see her anymore", and it sounds like she tried and often without success. By that point, people become down and often move in other directions. Betrayal is not a word I would apply in this case. It's the collapse of the relationship with a disconnect so large that needs were being met elsewhere. It's happened to me twice in two, decade long relationships. And the same - big surprise, as if nothing had been wrong, but no one was listening for a long, long time. That in itself is the kicker.

3 2Rating: +1

@ Alex

May 21, 2022 at 9:09pm

Anyone who uses the word “simp” as an adult doesn’t get any respect from me. Aside from that, we have no idea what went on before the cheating, but there’s obviously a reason why the Op’s wife cheated and why he’s feeling a sense of at least partial responsibility. If you’ve ever been in a truly serious relationship like a marriage, you would understand why it’s rarely so black or white.

2 0Rating: +2

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