Obsessed with ending it all

I’m 24 and have had chronic depression for almost half of my life. While I am fairly privileged with financial support from my parents while pursuing law school, I have thought about ending my life almost everyday for the past 6+ years. Over this time, I’ve gone to two therapists and have also tried taking different antidepressants, but honestly my thoughts have only become more frequent and intense. The only thing that keeps me from following through with suicide is a feeling of obligation to my parents and the knowledge that it would cause my loved ones a lot of pain. I almost find a sense of comfort in telling myself that I will eventually do it once my parents die, but I also realize how messed up that is. I have many things to feel grateful for, and yet I feel an intense sense of hopelessness. I really don’t know where to go from here.

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Jofus

May 5, 2022 at 5:13pm

Your family seems to have your life all mapped out. Since your indebted to them you feel like you have no choice. As a former art teacher I saw often, especially with Asian students. They might be brilliant in art, but their choices (as they saw it) were law or medicine. But ultimately it's your life as hard as it is to see with the guilt blinders, and it's very finite.

18 1Rating: +17

No easy answer

May 5, 2022 at 5:23pm

Depression is a b**tch. I’m a fellow sufferer but for me it’s been a long lifetime of it. So what’s helped me is being able to recall all the past episodes when I felt the worst, and realizing that I survived them and a lot of wonderful things happened after them. It helps me get through those truly awful black times. But you’re very young yet, and from what you’ve said it sounds like you’re not being challenged enough. I know that sounds weird, but when things are made too easy for us we often don’t get a chance to see what we’re made of. If you’re being looked after like a child then you haven’t actually experienced the good parts about being an adult. You could use something to take your mind off of your own inner thoughts and onto something else. Such as volunteering with people who really need it, or even with animals. Maybe you could give some thought to this idea?

16 0Rating: +16

I heard a medical dr. on a radio talk show the other day

May 5, 2022 at 6:03pm

He's an orthopaedic spine surgeon and was talking about how messed up he felt for many years as as young dr. and was himself feeling suicidal till he twigged into some basic yoga breathing techniques. He was not purporting to be a Yogi teacher at all, just speaking about a simple slow deep breathing through the nose technique. He was also talking about how doctors have one of the highest suicide rates and as well, how some surgery is helpful but, how much surgery is uneccessary because right thinking is the greatest healer.

10 3Rating: +7

Shadowlands

May 5, 2022 at 6:19pm

My heart goes out to you and I can empathize. I actually felt very similar at your age and have struggled on and off with depression since a teen. I was also very bright and high achieving (as I assume you are being in law school) with perfectionist tendencies, and a desire to end it when I got to a certain milestone. What helped me may not help you but I share it in hope that somehow it will or will trigger an idea of something that brings delight to your soul. For me it was helping others. Specifically children. I still worked toward a high powered career but ended up thumbing my nose at that kind of lifestyle. And today I still work in a field that helped bring about healing in my life. Maybe there is something that 'sparks joy' or even if there is something that helps just one day where you don't think about it was much, and it will lead you to having 2 days without thinking about it, then 3, etc. I hope you find peace...you aren't alone in feeling this way.

16 8Rating: +8

Krkfjhfjs

May 5, 2022 at 7:25pm

I have suffered on and off with depression and severe anxiety since I was a child. I think some of the other things ppl have mentioned here make sense. You mention your parents and law school..... You need to figure out what in your life ignites passion, or maybe more importantly...what in your life is not helping you. Having your basic needs met doesn't mean your emotional needs are met. I only within the last year went on medication, and although it has helped me a bit, it has almost made me more keenly aware of what in my life is still holding me back and keeping me feeling down. My doctor told me that medication doesn't stop you from feeling depression related to your life situation. Maybe your life is really different from the one you are meant to be living? Society has made the definition of "success" and "happiness" seem so narrow that its hard to think outside the box. 24 is so young, you have all the time in the world to become the person you want to become, don't let anyone stop you!! And please don't end your life... to endure is the burden of humanity. We just keep going and surviving even when we don't want to. Much love to you from a stranger xx

Bear hug

May 5, 2022 at 11:02pm

I really liked the thoughts from @Krkfjhfjs, especially the idea of identifying what in your life is not helping you.

Sometimes we (and therapists and health practitioners) are so quick to point the finger at ourselves as the problem when we might in fact be deeply impacted by people and environments that are toxic.

I also wanted to recommend a book called “When Things Fall Apart,” which has helped me a lot during hard times.

Big hug to you, OP. It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure and I want to send you some kindness and understanding.

20 0Rating: +20

Kipawa Harder

May 6, 2022 at 12:01am

All of the comments here hold weight. Read them over a few times a day, if you need to. And...

...should things get to a point where you are seriously planning suicide, such as the method, how and when you will do it, etc., please go to your closest hospital's Emergency Department. Be honest with them. They will listen. There is nothing wrong with a cry for help. Sending my love to you for a long, happy and healthy life.

18 3Rating: +15

Challenger Baseball

May 6, 2022 at 6:52am

This is a Canada wide (Blue Jays sponsor) and global organization with chapters everywhere that helps challenged children participate in a sport they typically have no hope in hell of ever being a part of. It's a lot of fun and helps with their physical and mental development. The smiles as they try to get around the bases or even hitting a ball which we all take for granted makes you feel good to be alive. 'Buddies' help them throw the ball if they're wheel chair bound or need help running the bases. Go watch some games to see if you think this is something to get involved with. It's awe inspiring to see these kids try harder than ever to participate and gives you a good sense of the skills you possess they don't have. I like it because it pulls my head out of my ass when I think life is so downright nasty.
https://challengerbaseballcanada.ca/

6 2Rating: +4

If you...

May 6, 2022 at 9:29am

.. have your JD, the province has subsidized giving you a very important sort of degree. If you have articles and have been called, that's even more, tho, you dont say that.

If you've been depressed for half your life, then you started getting depressed around puberty, which is when humans require more nutrition to grow.

If you are like many ppl I met at the law school, including some faculty...you can be a law professor without being that physically fit. And often times you can do great feats of endurance (e.g. rowing, hiking, long distance running) without having much muscle mass, as long as you are also very thin.

If you have not tried the "diet, exercise, lifting weights" self improvement trip, that is one to try. you are what you eat. Basically, if you cannot get up to benching/squatting 2 plates (about 220 lbs) within a year or so, then you are probably not eating a very good diet. And if the very thought of lifting weights horrifies you, you def. need to lift weights.

Get a gym membership, just make it something you do---lots of people think they have a drug/therapy deficiency.

I once had a conversation with a psychiatrist about how great I felt exercising like 2-3 hours a day at the gym, and he said "yeah, most people would feel really good doing that," and I asked 'well, why dont you recommend that to people who are depressed?' and the answer was mostly 'no one has time to do that, they're all working.'

Also, law is bullshit, it wont make you happy. Law is like medicine: we have it because people get sick, its not a good in itself.

16 2Rating: +14

Here to help!

May 6, 2022 at 2:53pm

Hi . I am with the Lawyers Assistance Program of B.C. We are available to law students. We are confidential and experienced at helping members of the legal profession including law students. As you may know, the issues around mental health are becoming more open and prominent in the legal profession. The Law Society President told of her own struggles in a recent message entitled "Reflections on mental health". Please contact us at 604-685-2171.

14 0Rating: +14

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