Significant mental resonance with another human being is so freaking rare

It sucks. In my life, I've only met a handful of people who have deep and extreme mental resonance and chemistry (less than ten, sadly zero of who I have any kind of physical relationship with right now; I don't mean romantically but any kind). Physical attraction I find very common (there are a loooot of really physically beautiful people out there, holy smokes), and essence ("soul/spirit") resonance is also not uncommon - the number of people who happen to be an essence that is a soulmate must be in the millions, by my count [I have a kind of unorthodox understanding of what 'soulmate' means]. Both combined, also not that uncommon. But real mental resonance that is profound, amazing, mutual, and has that electric "it" factor is so rare, at least for me. And if that's not there, the other two tend to fall by the wayside. A lot of people are really awesome, friendly, have things in common, have that "it" factor partially, etc, yet somehow it just doesn't click in all the right ways, mutually, and it ends up being... somehow lacking experientially on my end. I'm not trying to invalidate them at all, but... I wish I would meet more people who fall into the third category -- a lot more. Feeling lonelier around others than when I'm by myself is messed up.


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Sister Sapio

May 1, 2022 at 8:08pm

I get this.
& well-written btw.
Yup, big ups for this.

16 2Rating: +14


May 1, 2022 at 9:04pm

You're probably an INFJ

5 4Rating: +1


May 1, 2022 at 11:15pm

Sometimes we go into relationships with checklists. I too have done this. Sometimes we just need to ditch the checklists and surrender ourselves to the serendipity of the meeting of each person.

8 4Rating: +4

Re checklists

May 2, 2022 at 2:19am

I was sort of thinking the same thing. As I’ve aged it’s something I’ve learned about relationships. I’ve had several “important” ones over my lifetime and I agree that meeting someone with whom you share that type of resonance is rare. But that doesn’t mean that the other relationships don’t have equal value. People come in and go out of our lives all the time, and with each interaction we have an opportunity to learn something. Some of the lessons are difficult and painful, but each one can be transformative if we are open to it. Even if what we learn is that we need to avoid certain energies for our own best interests.

11 2Rating: +9

OP @Agree

May 2, 2022 at 6:08am

It's not really a matter of having a checklist or not, but more about how a person already vibes mutually - how effortless, fun, deep, bidirectionally energizing and "on" it is when together in person. I generally tend to accept people as they are and not expect things from others, but no matter how much I pour myself into engaging a person without judgment or presuppositions, it remains that.. that resonance is just not there nearly enough with the vast majority of people I know or meet.

That's not meant as a judgment or the idea that I'm somehow 'better' than anyone (which is a weird idea to me in itself), it's just lacking. Most of the time that's a neutral phenomenon, but it has started to really starve me over the last decade or so. I feel lonelier around most people :(

@Alert - I took a Myers-Briggs test quite a while ago and got INFP, but it was almost INFJ :) the affinities were nearly 50/50

@Sister Sapio - Thank you ^_^

6 0Rating: +6

Disagree with Agree

May 2, 2022 at 7:01am

Sure, a *long* checklist isn't reasonable, but a short list of key aspects is. In my case it's: genuinely nice, highly intelligent, & a sense of humour (not necessarily someone who is funny themself, but who at least enjoys laughing).
Don't care about looks (& studies show that the happiest & longest-lasting couples are approximately equal in looks) or him being rich (I got my own $!) just those 3 internal qualities, thanks.

6 1Rating: +5


May 2, 2022 at 10:27am

As Anne Shirley called them in "Anne of Green Gables", sounds like you're talking about finding kindred spirits. And I agree with you - very hard to find, and if we do find a kindred spirit, this person may not be available, or someone we'd be attracted to (or who'd be attracted to us). I'm looking for them, too. Best of luck to you.

12 0Rating: +12

Different kinds of friends

May 2, 2022 at 2:10pm

I have one person I think of as a kindred spirit who just totally understands me and vice versa. Then I have a handful of close, lifelong friends with a with a shared history and whose company I enjoy. We support each other based on loyalty vs. soul mate kinship. Some are opposite personality types, but we respect and learn from the differences. But really, animals have been my true soul mates. I just lost my small best friend after 16 years of the best possible companionship. We read each other without words and loved each other unconditionally.

9 0Rating: +9


May 2, 2022 at 3:35pm

How would you know?

0 0Rating: 0


May 2, 2022 at 6:05pm

This kind of expectation of immediate cohesion bothers me. Real life has lots of baggage and bs that people have to get through if they want to be close. Rejecting people because they don't immediately fall into your 3 fantasy 'resonance' categories is a rather lonely path.

10 4Rating: +6

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