posted January 30th, 2023 at 11:42 PM
I was careless & foolhardy, really screwed things up in trying to keep communication on the down low. But they went extreme in misunderstanding me, judging me far too harshly. It's not my fault that I'm new to all that nonsense. He won't even talk to me or let me explain, either. He was a bad influence, seducing me, making me do stuff like cheat. I don't think he really liked me, he just wanted to use me as a plaything. Trying to move on for a couple of years. Stupid clown. I hate him. I miss him.
21 CommentsPost a Comment
Jan 31, 2023 at 10:15pm
He "made" you cheat?
the big top
Feb 1, 2023 at 7:58am
It wasn't my fault. I saw the shoes, I thought big feet, big red nose. It turns out clown shoes are a lie! He and his good time buddies piled 50 into a clown car and made my virginity disappear!
Feb 1, 2023 at 9:39am
Not only did he not like you, he DESPISED you. From the get go.
I know this sounds harsh, but once you can radically accept that, you’ll be able to take the steps to move out of this uncomfortable purgatorial ping pong of “It’s his fault! It’s my fault! I love him! I hate him!”
There is a a time lag between intellectually understanding something and emotionally understanding something, so give yourself the time and grace you need to arrive back in your fully-embodied truth.
Judith Herman’s book Trauma and Recovery might help, as might Dr. Ramani’s YouTube videos.
Good luck and best wishes. It’s no easy task to claw your way out of hell.
Feb 1, 2023 at 9:39am
You couldn't tell the truth if you tried
Feb 1, 2023 at 12:29pm
No one makes you cheat. Your lack of control over your own passions and emotions do that. As for everything else you're saying about him whatever you gotta tell yourself to move on I guess.
Feb 1, 2023 at 12:48pm
Sounds like one real downright dogsh*t of a clown. Just the worst.
You need to relook he may not be the whole..
Feb 1, 2023 at 2:19pm
Problem because I'm confused how you were... Well you know coerced as you make it sound but I may be wrong. However it sounds strange
What does that even mean?
Feb 1, 2023 at 5:58pm
"Trying to keep communication on the down low." You were ghosting, ignoring, being unresponsive, you didn't reciprocate?
Were you ever physical with this guy? Were you with someone else at the time? How exactly does someone make you cheat and with whom did you cheat with?
You miss him so you had feelings. He had feelings which you gave him the cold shoulder over. So like maybe you were putting out signals to get a response from him you were in no position of accepting? But instead of admitting
and taking responsibility for your mistakes and behavior it's just easier to call him a clown and hate on him rather than deal with the issues you have surrounding your ego and pride?
If I were him, I wouldn't talk to you or let you explain either. You would just do a lot of projecting and blaming your actions on to him just like you're doing now. You want him to sellout and sacrifice the integrity of his own conscience of his own soul to you? To have no respect for himself and be your doormat?
He's not going to like you again, not enough to be with you even if you started behaving honestly. If he doesn't have the integrity I think he has maybe he'd treat you as a plaything. Most likely he'd just tell you he's no longer interested, that he's moved on, and that you should too.
Feb 1, 2023 at 9:35pm
and you can't stop loving him or even thinking of him while she sleeps at night as much as you can't stop hating yourself, no matter how hard you try, sweetie.
He knows when you've been bad or good...or even thinking it.
Feb 1, 2023 at 10:11pm
Yikes, @ radical, you aren't projecting due to damage from your bad choices, are you? omg.
I don't get the "new" stuff, love is love even if it's between a mug and a shoe, but the OP obviously screwed up communications by trying to control everything and likely did this stupid thing people do when they screw up: they pretend it didn't happen, hoping things fade away because of being afraid of getting deservedly yelled at for not owning their bullshit, but that's not what actually happens IRL. Instead, it stews and stews, and every day they wait it gets worse because you don't leave people hanging when you treat them poorly, especially when you know they got feelings for you. People like these never get it that the solution is so easy. You own your fuckups asap and put making it right over selfishly protecting one's delicate ego. You don't play games with people's hearts, especially when you are fond of them. Seriously, how juvenile, blaming the object of their confusion for their feelings.
I don't think the love object ( let's call them LO) was using them. I think LO was hurt. Usually someone has to genuinely like you for their bad behaviour to mean something and if they didn't care they wouldn't have made it into a deal. The OP waited too long for some really easy-to-administer apologies, so LO likely thought they were being used and gave up. I'll bet a week's salary that the OP made it hard to communicate by raising the bar to the point of it being one-sided game playing that made it into the drama they're whining about now. Do they realize they are expected to try even harder to make up for such assholery? That's how it works. If they're putting up walls and there's any real feelings, like, how under all this teen-style anger the OP misses them, they gotta try harder to prove themselves. If you dish it out, you can take it, right? Otherwise, maybe LO's not being judgy, they're being accurate.
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