he's my unfinished sympathy

I keep a secret playlist of songs, songs that I've allocated to a moment where the music and lyrics mark exactly how I felt about him at every stage. When I hear them, I think of him. I saved them to make a mixed tape of sorts to call these our songs, and towards the end the songs go from wonder in drifting among the stars of astral dreams, wishing joy in jack johnson's better together, passion in muse's madness or promises in arkell's my heart's always yours to confusion, frustration, sadness and loss. There are times where I hear them and wish he had, so he could've known how I felt and when. I don't know whether he'd hear them and "get it" or whether he'd have a list of superficial cliche songs that are out of sync as his playlist to compare. The list I guard is now quietly waiting to age out the emotions I attached to them because they're good songs that need emotional distance so they can be played without pulling me back to a man who, it seems, never cared. I was so sure, though. Haunted by the ghost of you, take me back to the night we met....

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Anonymous

Jan 23, 2023 at 2:44pm

OMFG
Throw that bahah mixed tape in the garbage.
Did you actually say mixed tape bahah.
Still laughing at that.
Come On
Mixed Tape :)
Lol. Lol

0 6Rating: -6

how bout dat

Jan 23, 2023 at 4:49pm

that muse track and the lord huron song are in my somebody-that-i-used-to-know list as well (although the song somebody that i used to know has been cut out because it was replayed too many times).

3 0Rating: +3

just wow

Jan 24, 2023 at 3:47am

Your heart just aches, and it's sad.

4 0Rating: +4

Hey baha

Jan 24, 2023 at 5:58pm

You dunking on the mixtape??
You never taped shit off the radio?
Well fuck look at you on your high horse!
Neigh neigh!
Vinyl only for this cultured gentleman.
Strangeways here we come!

3 0Rating: +3

Re: Gotye exhaustion

Jan 24, 2023 at 6:13pm

The 4FRNT remix of Somebody that I used to know is pretty good in case anyone needs to bring it back around.

Graduating out of Lord Huron and realizing their “hey little mama”-ness was part of the problem helped me divide my love life, and what I am willing/not willing to accept, into a clear before and after.

OP I think it’s great to have a playlist as an emotional historical record. I related to this post a lot.

I also think this person doesn’t deserve to hear or enjoy what you put so much thought into curating.

3 0Rating: +3

hey 4FRNT

Jan 26, 2023 at 5:29am

Thanks for appreciating that. I didn't create a playlist deliberately about or for him, though. It kind of formed out of serendipity. Songs that fit the moment or how I felt during various stages of our interaction found me, and I collected them as a way to process my feelings... as well as to hear what my heart was actually saying. This wasn't a typical crush. I didn't idolize the guy. I mean, really, he had flaws, but he also had a wicked sense of humour, and reacted in ways to things that I found charming. I loved how he'd try to be aloof yet be almost jealous in a sitcom kind of fashion. I think it was the first time I actually saw past things like a person's appearance or other physical or material aspects and found myself liking and even falling for the man within. I did want to share these, but I couldn't get to that level. I'm not sure they'd be appreciated anyway. Love can't be fed with crumbs, and eventually mine was a sentiment that could never be shared. The music remained with me.

I feel that art (and sound in particular) can tap into emotions with more sophistication that sometimes words fail to fully capture. Music... and even the way some videos are arranged... can fill in the details with power. It's also a way to see whether you're both in sync. Sharing appreciation of the same tunes can say a lot about the way two people are with each other. I was always curious about what would've happened had he heard the list during the height of all that tension. Stealth communication and discretion killed those chances.

I'm letting time and distance help clear the attachments that these initially had. Some songs are evergreen as they tap into personal milestones, and eventually, they will come back when a new situation presents itself because those songs are perfect for those moments. Others will become part of a playlist of sorrow, saved when one needs to move through pain as a soundtrack of catharsis. We all have these, the songs we play to connect to heartache.

He is the book I had to put down as he joins the history of what couldn't be, and the soundtrack crafted is one he missed out on, becoming a private mystery.

1 0Rating: +1

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