Long ago I liked a man who I found out through the grapevine felt the way you do about me.

Instead of pursuing what he really wanted (and what I did too), he started exploring his options with other women. Safer ones who felt right on paper. Women who connected the dots logically, but did not light up his network of inner fireflies.

I ended up feeling like I always do—like I was too much and not enough at the same time. Like some manufacturer’s defect in my being automatically smothered the fire of suitors when my finer details, flaws, and intensity were illuminated more clearly. Pedestals are devious places.

How might the way you are talking to yourself prevent you from talking to them? I notice you are using language related to worth, coins, investment. Are there self-worth issues to explore, as there were for me?

You write about currency with beauty and passion. Do you uncomfortably straddle the realms of the material and the creative and wish for a way to merge the two? How is that contributing to issues around worth?

Are you seeking that connective spark in the form of a person when really the potential for living a life of happiness and fulfillment has been within you all along?

Unrequited love.

Many years have taught me that unless the spark is going both ways the relationship has little hope of success.

For being self aware.
Time to move on.

Direct, clear, mutual two-way communication is central, necessary, and the key.

If you actually communicate your feelings to the other person, they can at least tell you in no uncertain terms how they feel back.

If you never end up communicating anything directly along those lines, they will likely never know.

Don't make the mistake of expecting the other person to have well-developed telepathy that is surfacely openly expressed, because they likely won't have that (or at least, won't disclose it), and so you remain with that frog in your throat, so to speak.

If it's not something that would be relationship destroying (assuming there's any relationship there at all to begin with, rather than say, one-sided distance surveillance of some kind :P), and you have something very much worth saying -- especially something like the OP -- I think it's worth expressing clearly to the other person.

I know it can be scary, especially if you're full of anticipations and and previous imaginings built up over time of what might or might not happen, but if you never take the chance to tell them in ways they clearly understand... then nothing even has the *chance* to happen.

Better to give something a real chance to occur at all, if you truly desire it and it's not unethical to do so. No?

It’s often difficult for us to say what we really feel to someone because of the fear we have of rejection. It matters so much that we’re afraid to say the wrong thing, so instead we say nothing and suffer in silence. But just because you feel this way doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy. It just means that you’re afraid this person will see you and reject you. The challenge then is to ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen? They could reject you, right? But what if they didn’t? What if you said exactly what you’ve said here and they didn’t reject you? What if speaking up in spite of the fear gave you the chance with them that you’re longing for? Isn’t that possibility worth the risk? If you aren’t brave enough to risk rejection you’ll never know what might have happened. If they say no you’re no worse off than you are right now, and even though it would hurt, at least you’ll know that you tried, and it would give you a chance to heal from an unrequited love so that you could move on.

I can understand the logic behind “just communicate your feelings clearly and if they don’t reciprocate, at least you tried!”

However, as all my fellow addicts out there who have experienced an intense love for someone whose reciprocation is in question will know: it’s not so simple.

Losing yourself in the dream of a person has dark roots. It is a response to feeling unloved and unwanted in the tender, formative years. It is tinged with desperation, possession, pain. A rejection could drive one off the deep end.

Some of us know that we can’t speak our feelings and feel relief. That we need to hold the dream of a life where we are loved sweetly, deservedly, inside the speculative safety of our hearts. Trauma begets internal terrariums.

That was beautifully written OP
When I was first reading what you wrote it made me wonder/wish you were someone I knew, but the last sentence showed that you couldn’t be because those aren’t on my list.

The best responses to your confession are the 3 long ones. Deeply thoughtful & wise. Consider them.

And good luck !

Lots of us have experienced trauma. But we all have to make a choice about how we’re going to deal with it. We can spend the rest of our life hiding in fear of being rejected and hurt, and sure, we might be “safe”. But we will absolutely not be happy, and we will not be able to experience the joy that comes from letting go of fear and taking a chance on love. I stand by what I said about what have you got to lose. If you’re so afraid of rejection that you will never risk it, then you will live a lonely half-life. If that’s good enough for you then so be it, but you’re missing out on so much more.