He's not what I need him to be.

He has these great qualities about him that he doesn't utilize. I think my school teachers used to call it "living up to your potential." I want to change or improve him but what does that say about me? You can't change or improve someone. Why does this bother me so much? That I want good things for him? Why can't I just live and let live?


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Sep 29, 2023 at 12:56pm

maybe you can't change or improve anyone, but you can certainly help them grow and do that for themselves.

Some people are worth it. There are so many people with great potential who are oppressed or violated in some severe enough way that it seems to effectively prevent them from growing into that potential. For some, all it would take is a positive, mutually energizing, genuinely uplifting relationship with another for their radiance to shine through (and I mean any kind of relationship that fits the category, not just romantic - a mentor, a deep friendship, etc). Others might need actual extrication or support to extricate themselves from extreme situations.

I don't think it's wrong to want someone to improve, as long as you're not forcing them or negatively interfering in their life.

As to what it might say about you... who knows? Maybe you found someone who happens to resonate a lot, but who just needs a push in the right direction... directly. Or maybe you're just fixated on something that will never be for a variety of reasons; I don't know enough.


5 4Rating: +1

Well, how about just let him be him?

Sep 29, 2023 at 5:19pm

Give him a shot and you might be amazed how rewarding finding out about the real him is instead of your mistaken perception of him.

Some, like me, look like a million bucks but thats not the important part, the important part is how deep this ocean is.

8 3Rating: +5

You’re right

Sep 30, 2023 at 9:01am

Don’t fall in love with potential. That’s the most important thing I would advise any young person to remember. We fall for the way someone makes us feel, how they look or smell, if they’re funny and smart, etc. But if you find yourself thinking a lot about the things you’d like to change about them, they’re not the right fit for you. As a person who’s had my fair share of relationships both long and short term, I can say that ignoring red flags because you think they’ll change is a huge mistake. Other people are not projects. Move on.

9 3Rating: +6


Sep 30, 2023 at 9:39am

People need a reason to reach their potential.
Be their reason.

9 7Rating: +2

@ Sometimes

Oct 5, 2023 at 6:31pm

Sorry, no. That sounds great on the surface, but in reality it’s very unhealthy. Not only is it an arrogant attitude to think that this other person should be looking to you as their reason to reach a higher potential, it’s actually damaging for the person who’s waiting around for that to happen. Speaking from a lot of experience here, do not wait around expecting someone else to change. They rarely do, and while you’re waiting for them to become what you want, life is busy passing you by.

7 5Rating: +2

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