When I was younger, I was jumpily nervous,anxious, and sensitive. I also know, at some level I was decent looking boy, as I would, in the way teens can be at times, was very obviously 'chased'. However my anxiety meant a lot of the early experiences were not the most satisfying ( for either of us) So I guess my shyness and fear of failing intimately maybe created an emotional distance as I pushed advances away. When I was younger I was incredibly sociable, and would be known among friends as a happy bachelor, having flings but not wanting to settle.
Jump forward to a man in my 40's, I still at some level am that nervous boy, but it is hidden more, maybe overcompensating at times, as most of my current circle think of me as social, ( in non covid times!) confident and still, committed to not being 'tied down'. But these are just habits developed as strategies, as when younger, being 'seen' as being nervous was big no no, so the sharper aspects of it easily masked, in a social life that involved clubs and all the 'confidence' boosters provided in that environment.
But if someone makes clear signals they are interested, even if I am attracted to them, I panic, and will often mess up any chance, of feign disinterest. I often get involved in women who are very unavailable, and I believe that unavailability is the lure at times. The truth be told, I'm so afraid. My own deep dislike of myself means I feel anyone I become intimate with will see right away all that I most dislike about myself, and concur, effectively confirming my beliefs.
I do feel so sad and unfulfilled, and fear I will never know what its like to truly know, support and be supported by someone in a close bond. I feel my own self sabotage makes this increasingly impossible as the years clock by
older. I have reached a point, as I approach middle age, where I have fewer and fewer illusions about people and life in general and it is great! Sure, there are a few wrinkles on my face and a few more creaks in my muscles and bones but I would not trade them for the intense angst of my youth. I no longer have any drama or feel the need to impress others or seek attention and validation as I did in my younger years. Also, many problems I used to have have just sort of worked themselves out naturally over time. Enjoy being young, but really I think getting older is better!!
With masks now optional indoors, I judge those who choose to opt-out of wearing them and steer clear.
Sorry, BC government, but I do not agree with you about lifting mask rules. I will be wearing my mask for a long time coming. I work with children, and yes, children CAN transmit.
I had a eureka idea. My apt building always has weird smells like food and cleaners and you knows apt smells. I'll start cloning my cannabis plant and leave them in the lobby, so everyone can take free plants. I figure, if everyone has cannabis plants in their unit the building might smell nice more often.
Now I hope I won't cave in & undelete them, too much toxicity on them, too much false sense of whom your true friends are & are liked, Facebook & Instagram are online drugs that get you hooked....pretty well a cult.
Anonymous encounters may be taboo for a single mother, but I am always discrete and insist upon protection.
Honest to God I’m not very excited at the idea of people having a choice on whether they want to wear masks on public transit or not. I got vaccinated but haven’t taken my mask off since this pandemic took over the world. I have not been sick once ever since I’ve kept it on.
I cannot help but feel that Canada is falling apart. Only rich people can afford to have kids. Nobody else can afford a house or the necessities to create a stable environment for them. What a terrible mess... and everyone is politically fighting each other instead of working against the causes of it. The government and corporations hate us.
A gentleman I began seeing confessed he was married on our third date. Though he insisted it was just a “formality”, I have zero interest in any type of adultery, so I ran away as fast as I could. No regrets about doing so, but I am still sad as he was the first person I could see myself falling for in quite a while. Thanks again, dating apps.
I know a guy that's constantly getting himself into trouble. His friends have been dropping like flies out of his life and I don't blame them. All he's done is gossip about everyone and manipulate them into depression, financial loss, breakups...You name it he's done it, to his FRIENDS. Family members too. He's extremely judgmental and thinks very highly of himself with nothing, I mean nothing, to show for it. It's all an act, he's actually super bitter. His bitterness is his motivation to "take people down", people who've done nothing to him. And whatever, if they did, it still doesn't add up to the insane level of calculation and sabotage of their life he gets up to. A lot of the old friends that used to hang are doing better since they grey rocked phased him out. One was balding and his hair grew back from no stress. Another one got married. Another went on to own his own company. My confession is any time I hear positive news from one of the old friends I make sure to be the first to tell him, I know hearing about his old friends succeeding is the nail in the coffin and after all the games he's done, I want to be the one delivering the news. Any new person that comes along, I make sure to tell them exactly what he's about. Save themselves the stress. He can't figure out why he's not getting away with the tired manipulation tricks, I'm having too much fun to tell him.