Confessions

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Par-tay!

Recently, I made a connection with a couple who are into hosting parties in the basement of their home where everyone gets naked, drinks and play games like Cards Against Humanity and Balderdash. And then the real shenanigans begin! To say that this has been fun is the understatement of the year. I'm not sure how I got this lucky. Especially living in a place like Vancouver where this confession is guaranteed to get downvoted to oblivion by people who dream of doing the same.

Making friends is difficult.

I've tried. I've tried joining things, volunteering, being out and about on hikes and in cafes. I smile, I make eye contact. I try to come across as open but not needy or clingy. Perish the thought that anyone ever have any needs. There's an incredible unspoken stigma against people who struggle with loneliness or who don't have many friends. I'm trying to persevere and be optimistic. It's just difficult.

No more one way street

So I gently – gently because even returning a wrong-size blouse makes my friend cry – asked my best friend of 15 years if there is some reason that I am not welcome at my friend's hobby group. I explained that we both love this hobby and it would be funfor me to meet others with the same interest. The friend immediately said that I am welcome to come and the friend's eyes got that wet, red look of stress. I said, “Great! When is the next get-together?” The friend was “not too sure” but would “let me know”. Having heard this a million times before, I gently said, “I've asked a lot in the past and if there's some reason I shouldn't be there, you can tell me. We're friends.” The friend said of course not with that flushed tearful look in the eyes. When the friend was in the bathroom, I rummaged through the friend's hobby kit and found a name of someone in the group. Next day I looked that person up on facebook and sent a message introducing myself. I didn't mention my bestie, just said that I saw some of her craftwork online and liked it. We're meeting for coffee to share hobby photos tomorrow. I can't wait! I'm so glad to meet someone new who shares my interest in crafts. Best day ever! Now I can join the group without putting any pressure on my best friend who tends to over-react too small things.

It won’t last forever

That’s the truth of life right there - whatever it is will change. You can have looks and charm and that can get you lots of attention when you’re young, but if you don’t develop something else along the way, like actual character, you’ll find yourself confused and lonely when you’re in your senior years. All those guys I know who spent most of their lives partying and avoiding growing up at all costs are struggling now. They either never got married or they just fooled around too much and got dumped. Now they don’t have the looks anymore and the young women don’t want them and the ones their own age are too smart to fall for their bs. They ruined their livers with too much partying, and they were too busy f’ing around to go to school for a real education, so now they’re uneducated and the world has left them behind. One of my buddies is a poster child for this kind and hanging around with him now is painful. He looks shell shocked like he never saw it coming even though the signs have been there for a long time but he refused to change. I know it isn’t just guys who do this because I know a woman who always just got by on her looks too, until they faded and now she looks kind of desperate too. I guess what I’m trying to say is that beauty is nice but it’s the inner beauty that makes the person worthy.

People think I shouldn’t do this but

but I’m 22 and I’m dating a 48 year old man. Its the best relationship I have ever been in and I have never felt so loved and appreciated. The looks we get in public always bother me though, the subtly passive aggressive comments get to me. People don’t know my life, they don’t know my story. Maybe I’ll feel differently in the future but my mistakes are mine to make, and if I am old enough to make my own decisions in every other realm of my life then why does anyone feel the need to comment on my romantic choices? If it hurts me in the future then it’s my pain to endure anyway, I don’t need society to save me from mistakes I may or may not make. Please, dear god, keep your comments and your stares to yourself.

Not my secret

If you made the choice to do the crime against me, you don’t get to tell me how I have to react to it. You don’t get to tell me not to tell anyone. There’s no non disclosure agreement in a relationship, and if you wanted blind loyalty then you should have been someone worthy of that. If you’re so afraid of what people will think about you then be a good person for real! Good people don’t lie and manipulate and try to control the people they claim to love. Good people don’t try to blame their victim for their own actions. Good people don’t do what you did. I will talk about it as much as I need to in order to cope with the impact it’s had on my life.

Would you date yourself?

They say if your answer is yes, then you are ready to be in a relationship. My answer is no. I’ve been told that I’m very likeable in appearance and personable. I am loving, considerate, witty, playful and have a good heart. But I don’t make enough money! I feel I’m not good enough to have a relationship with someone if I don’t have the extra money to enjoy life with someone. And I noticed now lots of guys want someone to share 50% of all the bills. I don’t have any debt, never had any in my life, but I also don’t own a place or a car. I rely all on myself. I can only pay for all my survival and little bit of extra expenses. I gave up on wanting a boyfriend or a partner because of this reason. Because I don’t earn enough. It’s a bit sad because I know I am a wonderful human being and can put in a lot in a relationship.

I think...

... that there has not been a confession about eating delicious chicken for some time. It's wonderful to live in a society where any hour of the day you can go out of your house and find chicken readily prepared for you in restaurants. It speaks to the greatness of this place that there is a continual supply of edible chicken. It is uninterrupted. May the chicken flow.

A little dog...

I saw my ex today walking the dog they gifted me. I chose not to see the dog after we parted ways. My ex partner was walking with someone else. They did not see me. I stood in the corner of my building, watching the scene unfold. The apparition ended some 30 seconds later, as they were out of sight. I got home and noticed tears streaming down my face. I miss that little dog. No, I don't miss my ex, not comparing myself with the other person, not jealous, not wishing them any ill. I hope a little strand of my longing has reached out to my little doggie...to let him know that I still love him, even though he does not see me.

They do know

I used to make excuses for my ex’s bad behaviour. I used to think maybe he just didn’t understand how it was hurting me and if I could just explain it to him he’d stop. But no matter how many times I explained nothing changed. My therapist made me see things more clearly when she said that if someone only behaves in certain ways when you’re alone with them, they know exactly what they’re doing. It was a lightbulb moment for me. If they know enough to hide it, they know that what they’re doing is wrong, so abusing you is a CHOICE.

I SAW YOU

Bar at the Westin Bayshore

You were by yourself at H tasting lounge bar inside the Westin Bayshore hotel. You had the...