Confessions

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Lies, lies, lies

I work as a manager at a high-end condo complex and the chickens are coming home to roost for people who have had their investment condos sitting empty, or were using them for illegal vacation rentals. I had a few people asking me to write letters for them to submit to CRA because they're being nailed by the empty homes tax and they want me to lie for them, to the revenue agency, telling them their suites were occupied. When I tell them "no", I don't want to get involved in their personal, financial affairs, I get e-mails, boy do I get e-mails, angry all-caps or sarcastic replies. I use to be afraid of people being angry or having bad opinions of me but I just don't care anymore, screw them.

Shocked and saddened

I recently learned that a close family member who I thought loved and respected me does not. During some family drama regarding someone else in our family, they let their true feelings about me be known. I learned that they have serious contempt for me and feel very superior, and that this has been their true feelings forever. I’m not allowing their opinion to make me feel badly about myself though, because I’m confident that I’m worthy of love and respect. But this new knowledge has irreparably damaged our relationship, and that makes me very sad indeed.

Never enough

I’m going to end my relationship. Again. Some people just cannot ever be satisfied. This person is one of them. We’ve been through this same cycle for far too many years. Nothing changes. No matter how much I give, their needs are bottomless. It’s a lost cause. Last night was a tantrum they threw because I didn’t immediately drop what I was doing to acquiesce to their demand that I get them something from the kitchen. Apparently waiting for another couple of minutes was just too much, and that warranted a rant about how I’m not treating them the way they deserve. I know that I’m giving as much as I’m capable of giving, and that I’ve gone above and beyond for them countless times, but no matter what I do or how much I give, they always let me know that I’m not good enough. So obviously I should let them go find someone else who will be able to satisfy their needs. I’m completely exhausted and I no longer care to try.

Thank you to my cat, Negi.

I want to give a big thank you to my cat Negi. This fabulous cat has helped my friends and family during Covid, soothed panic attacks, anxieties, broken hearts, IT tech support... and most of all, helping me stay "calm" while I maneuver and prepare for my hospice care and eventual death from breast cancer (stage IV). I am truly lucky to have this cool cat (and neighbourhood dogs) in my life.

Seeing Pandemic as a Blessing

The people I thought were close were actually not. And that's turned out to be a really good thing Thank God pants are not as often necessary as in Before Times The relationships I bled for before ended up bleeding themselves out on their own The people who stuck around were not who I thought would I'm actually more than ok on my own than I thought I could be Nesting is a very real thing, and when done right (just authentically for myself) is actually amazing The feel of Good Toilet Paper is absolutely real (when available) If I have to spend time on my own, I might as well start getting to know myself Always add more garlic 'Chores' are just performing loving favours for my Future Self ("I know Future Me won't want to do these dishes, so I'll just do them now") I actually love myself more than I thought I did Cleaning is pretty therapeutic Instead of envying evidence of coupled neighbours, I can instead be happy such connections still exist I don't have to make up excuses for not wanting to be around negative people It's more than okay to just sit in a contented space of simply Existing Accomplishments can be small. I got dressed today. That's a Pretty Big Deal, really: I have a Body to Dress This body. I hated it before, but now I love it, because even though it's not perfect, it's gotten me here, to enjoy all these small joys in this space of Universal Lack and Pain Lack and Pain are both still Feelings. I'm thankful to be able to Feel Small joys. A good meal made. An artful playlist curated. A decent connection at the grocery till. A returned smile at a stoplight. Hey, that dog wagged its tail at me. That's really cool I never got to know Real Me in the Before Times. I never knew all the small wonders that could possibly make me happy, because I was always so busy busy busy at trying to be be be Even though I dutifully wear a mask now in all public spaces, I actually get to wear none of the ones I made myself wear before I'm just me I'm just finally Me I love me. And I hope you all love You too.

I Hate Myself and I Want to Die

What a great song. Besides that, sometimes I really do. Oh, hi! Beavis and Butthead was a great cartoon. I miss there actually being good TV on at night. I don’t even own a TV. Who remembers Johnny Carson?

Dating Blues

I just don't understand how so many people are meeting people online. I have a profile up on multiple dating sites and the only men that contact me are out of shape, old, and bald. I am 37 years old and am in great physical condition and people often comment how I look like I am 21 years old. I have a great personality and have traveled the world. Dating is becoming hopeless.

I give up

I work as a shelter worker in a high barrier shelter for a Christian organization (or shall I say corporation) and I don't think I want to continue in this line of work. I originally signed up to help people, but I feel I am more of a baby sitter working at a homeless shelter where hospitals dump their patients' with severe mental health issues. None of us are equipped to deal with psychosis and behavioral issues. I had good intentions in this field but I am too burnt out to go on.

In the Before Days

Long time ago, in my 20s me and the guy that I was dating went to Mexico. We ended meeting a very nice middle aged couple from Texas, who were there to do some diving and spearfishing. They invited us on their yacht trip to just tag along; we could snorkel while they dove. They hired 3 Mexicans and this yacht and we all had an amazing day in the hot sun, in waters that were Scope blue. The Texans brought their catch back in the boat and the 3 guys grilled the fish which we all ate. The Texans were so generous and kind and hilarious and they wanted nothing from us but our company. They just had huge grins which I can still see. I don’t know why this memory surfaces at this time but the travelling, the serendipity, the friendliness, big heartedness and acceptance with no strings attached whatsoever appears like explosive colour in my mind during my very monotone grey days which are filled with doomscrolling and news riddled with hate and confrontation.

Life Updates

I never wanted to have a kid. I never understood the aura around marriage and weddings. But I watched as the people I knew all got married. I saw their life updates when they had a child. Now they are all starting to separate or divorce. It all seems painful and dramatic and expensive to me. I think I made the right choices not doing these things but by not participating in the usual life course I am kind of excluded from social circles with those who are 'normal.'

I SAW YOU

Love at first aid

You share a name with a city. I’m tall with red hair and wore a black hat. I bandaged you up in...