Confessions

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Maybe tomorrow

In the last two weeks I have noticed all of my friends have slowly stopped talking to me or are sending limited responses. I know it's because I have become so negative. All I do is bitch and complain about the horrible crap going in my world at the moment. I have moments of feeling selfish like why can't they be there for me and empathize, give feedback etc.. I realize however that they have their own crap going in in their lives and I am bringing them down. I don't want to push everyone away but it seems that's what I'm doing. The further I push them away the more desperate I become. I hate the unknown. I hate wondering if this is how life will be until the day I die and resenting motherhood. I have a toddler and I'd like to make it very clear that I love her with all my heart and I would NEVER resent her. It is the draining act of being a single parent that feels like a huge weight and is absolutely exhausting. The more I resent parenthood the more guilty I feel and it just perpetuates the negativity. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I hope it helps. I don't know how to get my friendships back to normal. It feels as though they are so sick of hearing my BS that they're uninterested all together. Sorry for the rant.. I really feel alone. Maybe tomorrow will be better

Is it mental health or real issues that anyone would feel?

I'm stuck in a shitty job in Vancouver. I am severely underpaid for what I do. I look at the real estate situation and feel totally hopeless. My family lives here, but I know that I have to move away to afford any decent life without being up to my neck in a mortgage. I just feel so angry though! The lack of control at my job and in my renting situation makes me feel so angry, anxious, and so depressed. Is this normal? How do people deal with it? I want to know because it feels so bad. I don't know if I can stay in this headspace.... and maybe that's how humans were designed to think? Maybe it's a signal to get out. How do people cope in the meantime though? How do you enjoy life?

Being Ugly

I was wearing a mask today and lots of women looked at me to check me out. I felt happy. I took my mask off for the rest of the walk home and I don't think one woman looked at me. Attractive people have no idea how easy life is for them...

Getting Older

I am already settled down but I feel like I want more adventure. I walked past a beautiful woman yesterday who gave me a look that made me feel alive. I'm in my prime and I'm doing alright for myself... I guess I just don't want to look back and feel I missed out.

My dad...

... has had two overdoses that he had to go to the hospital for and now he's not the same. He was never all there but now he starts foaming at the mouth and yelling in conversations. If we go to a restaurant he'll argue with the staff being appropriate. My parents split up when I was very young. My mom has health problems and need someone to take care of her so I do that now. I've actually been doing it since he left not that it's abnormal to have chores in a household but I sort of wonder when I get a period of not everything working as if my magic I know that's not how life works, but I guess maybe this is cuz I'm slow I'm sort of realizing that it's never going to be like it was for all my peers whose family stayed together, whose dads didn't prefer doing drugs to staying at home. I've tried counseling, I've tried every class of drugs that physicians will prescribe, I've done the whole self-improvement weightlifting yoga hiking West coast lifestyle thing, and what I'm starting to realize is that none of it's ever going to kill the pain.

I Don't LIke Who I Am Becoming!

After years of loneliness, failed relationships, and other life dramas I am becoming angry and bitter. The crazy lady muttering obscenities behind her mask. The things I use to be able to laugh at or just shake off now I get so annoyed or angry. I have built a wall so high around myself, no one will ever get in. This is not a good way to live.

Getting back to normal

So things are starting to open back up, we can have people over again, much more freedom to socialize and go out and about. Although, I've learned over the last year, that I didn't like the people I was spending most of my time with, and during covid they basically ghosted me, and I'm okay with that. My pre-covid friends were people that shout talked at me and even if I could get a word in edgewise they'd not remember what I said later, so do I really care if I can see them again. No, no I don't. I'm way to good for them and their negativity anyways.

Breakfast

After decades of not eating it, I thought I would try it. It’s changed my life. I know that sounds dramatic but I’ve actually lost weight without changing anything and I feel calm and satisfied before noon. Who knew?

I Wish

The man I’m in unreciprocated love with was tipsy the other night and going on about how selfless he is in life and how he’s hooked up friends that have gotten married and had kids. He was saying it’s time to focus on himself and hook himself up. I was just sitting there thinking “well, you can, I’m right here.” He didn’t seem to clue in and now I can’t stop thinking about how much that hurt me. I’d like to have kissed him in that moment but I missed the opportunity. I hesitated. We’ve hooked up a bunch and he’s with me a lot but it’s never more than what feels like a fling. I want to be vulnerable with him but my gut tells me I’ll get my heart broken. Love hurts. :( <\3

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