One can't openly admit they don't have any friends and would like to make some.
I had a fleury bad/good/bad/good relationships back to back all through my 20s, funnelling all of my youthful energy in to men and romantic relationships instead of in to my self. The last three years I've spent single, I was able to discover myself and learn to enjoy who I actually am. I have friends and family in my life, but I have this feeling of loneliness humming in the background. I miss intimacy, having inside jokes, cuddling, eating together, sleeping together. I miss hugging. I miss cooking for two, I miss having someone to do. I miss being in love.
Things have been stressful lately. So much that situations begin to feel less…real. Like I’m in some big test I’m meant to process, learn, and grow from. Where at any moment, dear friends will jump out and say Surprise! it’s all a practical joke, no need to get worked up. Oh I wish. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass this time.
Leaving a bad job. Told to train new person. They are nice, but unqualified after having this job myself knowing how demanding it is. I’m teaching them basics. I’m sure they are paid low, perhaps half of my salary. The company will save money, yes. But they won’t be able to get any work done with a Jr. it feels weird to teach someone your years of experience. My years have been hard fought, skills learned because I enjoy this area. Teaching someone so green, who hasn’t had the interest to learn the basics, seems like a waste of time. I now realize my worth. When something comes so quickly and easy to you, that’s what employers should pay for, the breadth of your skills.
Often I wonder why life is so hard. I get bullied by the man in the top of the hierarchy. I feel preyed upon when exposed to men I don’t know. Things of value get stolen from me by others who are looking for an easy win. I then watch animal documentaries; the kind made by Nat Geo. And they’re comforting; the human world is just as brutal and competitive as the red animal world. Opposing groups fight to the death in the animal kingdom over resources, mates, habitats. Power is clung onto because it can easily slip away. When my complete prick of a boss insults me, or play mind games, it’s because he is trying to squash down threats to his world. Like me joining alliances with another company, the animal kingdom struggles are so universal.
When I think back to some of the obviously rotten things he did while we were together sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why I kept making excuses for staying with him. One of the really lousy things was this habit he had of never saying anything positive about any picture of me or my family or friends if I showed him one. No matter how old the photo was and even baby pictures, he would find something critical to say about it. I’ve been trying to recall any time he said anything nice about any picture that he didn’t take himself and so far nothing. Someone accused me of being obsessed but they don’t understand how completely devastating to a person being so emotionally traumatized in multiple ways for so long can be. How much it changes your brain and how long it can take to recover once you’ve broken free from that person. So I’m not obsessed with him because that part is done for good, but I’m obsessed with learning why it happened, how it happened, and how to make sure it never happens again.
I found out that my Uncle got divorced two years ago. He never told us himself and when we first heard this news from other relatives, we weren’t surprised the slightest bit. His marriage was on the rocks, right from the start. They were a very strange couple, and had a lot of problems. Don’t know all the ins and outs, but one thing is for sure: it ruined my uncle’s relationship with the rest of our extended family. No one liked her she was hostile, cold and racist. I still wish my uncle would open up because I’d love to offer moral support as best I can, but if he wants to keep it to himself, it’s his personal business. I’m not going to judge him for that. Divorce is a very ugly thing for people to go through but sometimes more often than not, it’s the right thing to do.
Have you ever seen a person who was such an impressive human specimen that you couldn’t believe it? I’m not talking about that you felt attracted to them, but just that you had to acknowledge the physical perfection? I was sitting in traffic today and this woman walked across the street looking like she stepped out of a high fashion magazine. Absolutely stunning in every aspect. I’m a straight woman but I blurted out holy shit when I saw her lol. I wonder what that’s like to go through life looking like you were created by AI?
I now believe dreams are but another realm to our conscienceness that truly exits but not always remembered.
I had this dream that I was taking cookies out of the oven and my wrist touched the rack pulling the pan out and I felt the burn. It woke me up and I really thought I had burned myself for a brief second. I even said Ow upon waking up.
In regards to the massive uptick in Black Bears being euthanized, it should also be noted that the amount of birds who ended up in wildlife centres because their nest were disturbed in the early days of the pandemic. Seal and deer babies were also brought to wildlife centres with more frequency when they could have simply been left alone. On the island all the white ravens, which were doing perfectly fine in the wild for year, all were taking to centres and are now ambassador animals. I could go on. Post an animal picture on social media, and that animal often gets euthanized, good job everyone.