Confessions

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Chemicals

I confess that I judge people for using those smelly chemicals like Febreeze, Axe body spray, heavy perfumes, fragrances for hair, room spray, scented candles, smelly cat litter, etc. What it tells me is that you are too dirty to clean yourself and your surroundings, so try to hide it by making everything smell like a road stop outhouse. It also says that you are too selfish to consider other people who may have their entire day or days ruined as a result of sharing an elevator, office, or grocery store lineup with you. That stuff is so nasty. It triggers migraines, asthma attacks, rosacea flare ups, and is full of chemicals linked to asthma and cancer, yet people waste their money on it and douse themselves in it. I am currently writing this with a flushed, pink and painful face after sharing an elevator with one such person. They were doused in perfume and hair spray, and likely only wash their hair once per week / go to bed with false eyelashes and makeup on. Disgusting. I confess that I judge. Okay, off to go live in a bubble.

Party of one

If you’ve never been responsible for another human being’s safety and care I think it affects how you interact in the world. The people I know who never had kids or had to take care of another person seem really different than the ones who did. Something about having to put your own wants and needs aside because you’re responsible for someone else definitely changes a person. The people I know who are my age (around 70) who have lived their whole lives only being responsible for themselves just can’t relate to what it’s like to have so many other obligations. They get frustrated and upset because they don’t understand why family stuff interferes with plans for things I might want to do. It’s tedious trying to explain why family illness or crises have to take precedence over a social event or something like that. They’re so used to only having to consider themselves that they just can’t understand what it’s like not to have that option. Like they never had to be responsible to pay for raising a child and take care of them no matter what you might have wanted to do instead. I’m not saying that everyone who didn’t have kids is awful or anything just that we’re not on the same wavelength a lot.

Weirded out

Let me start by saying that I’m a youngish senior woman. In my younger days I had no shortage of male attention. But I am a senior now and I think that I look it. So when I get male attention now it weirds me out, especially when the male in question is a LOT younger than me. Mostly I just think they’re confused or that I’m imagining it. But yesterday I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t imagining this guy who was at least 25-30 years younger than me following me around the grocery store. To be sure I wasn’t imagining it I wandered all over the place randomly. Everywhere I went he was right there. I thought maybe he was security and thought I was stealing, but there were a couple of instances where we accidentally (or was it?) bumped into each other and there was laughing and eye contact, so I think he was actually following me. It’s been so long (about 1 1/2 years at least) since I’ve been with anyone and I’m not expecting that I ever will be again, but now I’m wondering if I look as bad as I think I do or if I’m completely crazy! I’ve always been terrible at knowing when a man is interested in me or flirting. I take everyone at face value and I’m completely clueless when it comes to flirting of any kind. But I definitely did have a lot of younger men (like 20 years younger sometimes) hitting on me when I was a lot younger than I am now, so is it even possible still? Are there really young men out there who are actually attracted to much older women? I’m seriously asking because I’m weirded out by it.

In Love

I am madly in love with my coworker. I am so attracted to her personality, her smile, her eyes and her sense of humour. She is incredibly beautiful but she doesn't flaunt it even though she is breathtakingly gorgeous. I think about her all the time and wish we could be together!

I Finally Love Myself

It took a long time but it was well worth it. Challenge yourself. It's euphoric.

Gone from this place

It’s been 14 years since I last went to church. And I honestly don’t miss it.

It’ll be okay

Amy I a shitty person for liking a guy who has a girlfriend? I would never do anything about it, as it seems like they have a great relationship. I saw him the other day unexpectedly and realized I still liked him. If we’re meant to be in the future that would be nice. If not, that’s okay too. I’m happy for them. Mostly!

I’m not there yet

I want to be where you folks are, going out and seeing friends at events and enjoying! But it’s so much more complex than that. I have PTSD (and ADHD) and I was starting to work with this before the pandemic hit but was interrupted and had experiences throughout the pandemic that further aggravated my PTSD. I’m a mid 30s female. When I get together with folks now I’m confused by the interactions and uncomfortable, peoples boundaries seemed to have all but disappeared completely and they go for that hug without checking I want it, or they reach onto my plate and touch my food - I then can feel my whole body tense and my brain starts to skip like a discman on a jog. I may be reactive, I may excuse myself awkwardly, go to the bathroom just to get space and breath it out, I may pretend it’s totally ok but spend an hour over thinking it at home. It takes so much energy to engage that the thought of connecting with old friends exhausts me and I’m pretty sure I’m losing some of them. I get told not to be afraid - I AM NOT AFRAID - I have frigging PTSD and my body aches with tension when you get near me and my mind is always running on hyperdrive and feels like it’s wearing out. I don’t have compromised immunity, but this “pre existing condition” heavily impacted how I moved thru he pandemic and how my return to “normal”(?) will look.

Don’t squander it

Some things are only learned from experience, and some people never learn them at all. If you’re trying to make friends when you’re older, those first few weeks are important. People will be assessing each other to see if they’re a good fit. Similar to a romantic relationship but without all the drama involved with that. So how you treat someone in those first weeks makes all the difference as to whether or not the friendship will continue. You’ll find that it gets harder and harder to make new friends when you get older, so don’t squander the opportunities that come your way, because they won’t keep coming and you’ll find yourself old and lonely. Value the people who are willing to value you.

Selfish People

At the end of my patience. If someone is acting inconsiderately in public space, like cutting people off without looking, blocking the way while on their phone, budging into a line up, I'm going to say "fuck you!"

I SAW YOU

Lo with our bikes on the Seabus Saturday...

This Saturday morning we both got on the Seabus headed to Waterfront. You had a well equipped and...