Here I Go Again

I'm an aging man with a personality disorder. I like to imagine I'm special, I know now that couldn't be further from reality. I blame it on my mom, we had what therapists called, a dysfunctional family dynamic. Years later, I have all these patterns of blaming people for the things I'm doing. I got away with this very easily in the past, lately, it doesn't work the way it used to. I get called on this quite a lot which sends me down into a spiral. I end up in a drunken stupor embarrassing myself. I wish I had some way to stop it from happening, it is what the condition is. I really have nothing to complain about in comparison to people that are worse off. I'm just so bored with nothing to offer, who am I kidding, I'm jealous as hell, I have to put the people around me in a slump. It makes life a little brighter for me.


Relationships don’t do it for me anymore. Ever since I went through a horrible break up, I just don’t feel ready for commitment now. Sex is the only thing that I can be bothered with. It’s at the forefront of my mind. I’m not in any mood for history to repeat itself since the last thing I need is toxicity and drama so I’d much rather hook up with a decent fuck buddy wheres there’s no strings attached or drama of any kind. Don’t hold it against me. We all have preferences.


I pray that one day I have a person in my life who lifts me up and helps me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. I am (sometimes) capable of being my own cheerleader but when I hear about couples, friends, and family members who have that kind of pure, unadulterated support for each other — no seeds of doubt planted, no jealousy, no naysaying, no secret sabotage — I feel kinda wistful for what could have been if someone close to me had extended that encouragement to help me believe in myself. Of course if I find this kind of support one day I would want to send the same uplifting vibes right back at this person or people to help propel them to their goals. If you’re reading this and what I say lands with you, please consider listening with an open heart when people share their dreams with you and sending them encouragement through both your words and your energy. Thank you for reading and take good care of yourselves this fall.

Sick of The Apps

The pandemic has forced people to stay apart. Not gather. So like everyone else, I went online. Been doing it for 18 months now. And I’m sick of it. I have logged out of The Apps. Don’t care about the Likes. Don’t get anything out of looking at people’s uploads anymore. I’ve spent more time in the forest, by the water, cooking, at the farms. Sunrises and sunsets give me bliss amd peace. Crickets chirping in the night. While I feel uncertain about what the fall and winter may bring, I will do my best to not hold my phone through another round of the pandemic. It was a good crutch but it has been ultimately unsatisfying.

Just a gigolo

I confess that I’m feeling sorry for a guy who’s been a victim of his good looks. I’ve known him since high school. He was typically handsome and tall and strong, all of the stuff that appeals to lots of women. He wasn’t smart in school, but he had personality and learned how to get by based on that and his charm. But as he’s aged I’ve noticed that he seems sadder. He had so many women fall for him that he never thought he’d really need to “settle” for just one. He seemed to gravitate to older women or at least ones who had enough money that he could hang out with them at their place on their dime and be comfortable. Lots of them paid for trips for him, gave him keys to their place, gave him expensive gifts, etc. Once I joked with him that he was just a gigolo (like the song) and he looked at me like he’d been caught in the act. Shocked and guilty at the same time. So now he’s old and alone. His looks faded and he didn’t have much else to rely on because he never really developed anything else. I truly feel like he’s been a victim in many ways, just like many beautiful women have been used solely for their looks. I wonder how his life might have turned out differently if he hadn’t been born with those looks. Would he have developed the ability to truly connect with another person? Would he have learned how to do things for himself instead of depending on others to do basic life-skill stuff for him? I’m a pretty average looking guy but I’m in a supportive long-term relationship. I’ve got kids and a family. He spends almost all of his time with his aged parent, or desperately trying to find another woman to support him. It’s sad to watch but at the same time I confess that I also feel like saying “I told you so!” to him.

Looking forward to fall

I have always been sad during the dog days of August. Everything closes, everyone goes on vacation and that is when I am loneliest. A few years ago I found school. Septembers became my favourite month. The month the world rebirths. This year, school is fractured and even with courses going forward, most schools are still more concerned with social political issues than student services. That's life. Life isn't always easy. My resolution this year is to enjoy September and October like I never have before. As it gets colder and darker I am going to be well prepared. With hot chocolate every morning, slippers, blankets, rain gear, etc. With the cold comes a knocking, I am going to face it head on. There are worse things in life as I have found and this fall I am looking forward to more than any in recent memory.

me myself and i

i feel so lonely, alone, isolated, stuck, trapped, empty, lost, unconnected, detached from this awfully painful world of suffering :( i hope that the Rapture is true because i am so looking forward to leaving this hellish world for heaven. It is hard for me to keep myself going, but i have no choice but to keep myself going. Whence we are born into this world, we are trapped to live in it until our day to leave it through death or Rapture. Thus, i call being born into this world a 'life sentence', because we have no choice but to live our lives as best as we are able, rich or poor, disabled or abled, depressed or happy, ... no matter our circumstances. if you can relate to this, please post a comment. God Bless you

Life at work

Been back at the office for two weeks now after having been laid off for so long. Generally, I get along very well with everyone. I’d say it’s a pretty cohesive environment. There’s a few who aren’t as friendly as the rest but that’s at the back of my mind. When I was younger, I had a hard time coping with stuff like this at work. Things were difficult but now I feel a lot more better and much wiser when it comes to dealing with people at work. I’m not here to become anyone’s best friend or score brownie points. I’m here to just do my job, get paid and clock out at the end of my shift. I think if you can walk into work without worrying about other people, then you will become very successful. Just my two cents.

I Read

the "I Saw You" and "Missed Connections" posts hoping someone noticed me.


My wife and I met up today in a secluded spot and had sex in the back seat of my car. It was hot as hell. I felt like a teenager again!!


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