Confessions

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One Way Street

I sometimes comment on confessions but have never had one of my own posted. I expect negative feedback, but I am really interested in a reality check. I am going to keep everything gender-neutral because the dynamic is what matters, not the individuals. Am I being too sensitive or am I seeing a problem? Here goes: I have a very very close friend who is very insecure and needs a lot of affirmation and support. I give those things freely. All I ask in return is good company and conversation. This friend is also a very kind and emotionally open person so I enjoy the friendship. I include the friend in my own social activities and have nurtured connections between this friend and the rest of my (less close) friends. I take a “more the merrier” approach to socializing. Here's what bugs me: My friend and I share a passion for a certain hobby. The friend has built a huge network around this hobby and I've asked if I could join in and meet some of the people in the network. EVERY SINGLE TIME they get together, I am put off, lied to, left out, or “forgotten” to be invited. I always let it roll off my back and say something like, “Oh, darn, I wish I'd known. That sounds like it would have been fun.” This friend constantly keeps me sequestered from the rest of these people. I feel insulted and used. We have been “besties” for 15 years, hanging out together – always alone – at least twice a week. The friend truly thinks that I don't see what is going on. I suspect the friend thinks that I will somehow become more important to the hobby group, although I would never let that happen. Is it time to take the hint and ditch the relationship? What am I doing to deserve this exclusion? I can't bring it up because the friend's insecure self will just deny it.

Mature consumption

I've come to the conclusion that some content -- books, films, documentaries, historical events -- should only be consumed when you reach a level of emotional and experiential maturity to appreciate it. Sometimes you've gotta re-consume the same thing over again multiple times at different points in your life, and you never absorb it the same way twice. I just watched a whole documentary about Pol Pot and the Cambodian Genocide, followed by another about North Korea's deadly Arduous March. Were I to have watched either as a kid (my parents were pretty lax about censorship), I admit I wouldn'tve understood a darn thing. I'm now in my 40s and shaken to the bone. The same goes for reading Fahrenheit 451 - and the Bible, and for researching the skeletons in my family's closet... etc. We live in an age where content is out the open like an Egyptian bazaar. I'm all for access to it all, but really, age does really make so many things relative/relevant. Also, the ability to discern good from bad quality content is getting ever more harder, yet it's so essential to helping us become better quality people.

Annoyed

My toilet seat was loose in my apartment and it took like a week for my Landlord to tighten it and now one of my electrical outlets stopped working and its going to take him a week to fix this. He said he has to buy a new electrical outlet to replace it. I have called the RTB and they tell me its not an emergency repair and repairs within one week are reasonable. I hate living here but the rents only $1000 for a 1 bedroom basement suite so I am supposed to be grateful. He also doesn't allow me to have pets. He has like 15 properties and I have to text him repeatedly to fix things and the RTB just tells me to write a letter but if I do that he's going to find some way to evict me. I can't leave because the rent is higher everywhere else and I don't want to stay. I feel like a prisoner with a life sentence.

Crazy making

Telling someone you’re sorry they feel that way or you’re sorry they’re in pain isn’t an apology. If someone has told you in explicit detail what it was that you did that caused them to not want to be with you, ignoring all of that and refusing to acknowledge or accept any accountability is classic sociopathic behaviour. So if this happens to you with more than one person, and you still don’t get it, I think you’re the problem.

A couple bars

It's amazing how all it takes is the first couple/few bars of a song to recall a memory so vivid from 10, 20, 30 years ago you can smell the air of where you were and the breath of who you were with the moment you very first heard it. Could be a musky beer soaked pub, or Hunky Bill's Perogies from the old PNE fairs, or someone's favourite cigarettes and spearmint gum. Then, all of the sudden you find yourself either sobbing buckets or grinning like a duck eating shit, and a million shades of either ecstasy, anguish, or longing flood through your mind in a split second like a tsunami. If it's a lover, you can feel their arms around you. If it's a place, perhaps a rural rodeo at dusk, flickering ride lights and fireflies everywhere, or the graffiti-pained walls of a derelict gas station or dim bus. Then, when the moment dissipates and the song is over, and you come to your senses, you feel like you've just been eclipsed a ghost or trail of smoke in an arid desert you've been chasing after for decades, but never been able to catch. Scientists may've yet to find a way to time travel, but I think musicians solved it long ago.

Disco Inferno

I’m trying. Connecting and building community isn’t easy. Finding the people who feel a certain way and resonate. It takes time. But I just want to feel like home. Like Cheers. Where everyone knows you at a level no one else gets to. It’s expensive in more ways than one. Presently, I learn through suffering.

Looking

… for a job. Frustrated. I have a ton of skills but have not landed on my feet. An acquaintance with very few skills quickly got a govt job with good salary and benefits. Happy for her, truly, but my engine has been revving for so long, and still, no job. Frustrated!

I dreamed about you last night again

It always seems so effortless and easy when we're together. No bs from the past just happy purposeful contentment. Can two lost souls actually complete each other's circles in life?

Behind

All of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I always feel like the 3rd wheel and have found that they are planning couples outings without me or playdates for their kids. I am 37 years old and I really want to have children and marry a good man. I don't know why I can't seem to meet a guy who doesn't just want a one night stand. I feel like I have been left behind.

I think it's lost

I got rejected. In my head at least, this was THE relationship for me. The rejection was crushing. Absolutely devasting. So I didn't get over it. I really thought I would get over it eventually... I mean that is what a normal person does, right? I tried the whole being with others to forget the 'one' thing, but after a decade or so instead my capacity to feel just faded. Maybe it's just aging as well, and it has allowed me to focus more on work and creative pursuits, and I still sometimes check on the person (virtually), but it feels like it's too late for my dream.

I SAW YOU

Guy who participated in Chinatown parade ...

I work nearby Chinatown and where I work was crazy busy after Chinatown parade on Sunday. ...