Confessions

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Lost Toy

I was scrolling through my camera roll of an old phone from 5 years ago and I found a photo I had taken of someone's dildo that had been dropped on the bus. I've since transferred the photo to more permanent storage. People would never believe the things I find on transit.

Post pandemic dating

A recent confession made me think of the strange meandering that dating has taken over the last few years. I have been on lot's of dates in the last year and they are very much different than they were the year before. Hell, the most common thing I've dealt with lately is a complete wholesome innocence from most people. Almost like people have had a complete reset of their lives and are dating/hanging out for the first time. People with kids are completely different as well. They're not clingy to their kids or their parenting lives like I have ever seen it. Maybe being cooped up for so long dramatically changed them, but I've gone on enough dates lately with parents who haven't even mentioned their kids. It's almost felt like they're kids, or teenagers or something getting their independence for the first time as well. Many of my dates have ended in friend zones, but not forced, much more organic. like "I'm your age, we get along, maybe this isn't romantic, but this is something I want to continue." I've even been set up on dates from dates. It's all f*cking weird, but also kind of amazing. Toxicity will return I'm sure, but whatever... this spring is lovely.

Well that was weird

I was talking to an acquaintance recently when I realized that he was describing things he was seeing while we were talking, in a very random and weird way. Like he was just talking about something and suddenly in the middle of a sentence he said “bag of cement” and then continued the sentence. A while later his sentence included “red hat “ although that had nothing to do with what he was saying. I realized that he was seeing these things while we were talking, and I don’t think he realized that he was saying it out loud. It was hard to keep my face straight but I didn’t want to laugh at him because I’m sure it was just his subconscious, but it was awkward.

Silent Promotion, Friendly Fire, Quiet Fire

It can be challenging discerning paradox from plan. The pursuit of clarity is a murky process. And being unable to see the bottom of a pond does not make it have depth.

Growing up

So there’s this guy that I used to chat with a while back. He lives in the United States. I couldn’t relate to him since he basically didn’t want to grow up. His entire life revolved around watching children’s entertainment, day in and day out. Never watched any adult shows like a sitcom, a soap opera or even the news. He once said to me how watching kid’s shows have corrupted his life in many ways and has made him want to be a kid forever. No, I don’t think watching children’s entertainment makes him want to be a kid forever. He knows it’s not for his age, but he’s in denial. It seems to me more like he has Peter Pan syndrome. And if that is the case, it’s something he’s going to have to eventually move on from because life only gets tougher as you get older. It’s all a part of growing up.

Urgent Care is for things that need care urgently.

Y'all. I had to go to urgent care because I had a cyst pop unexpectedly and an obviously infected wound seeping pus everywhere, including soaking through my clothes as I waited to see doctor. This is why I opted for urgent care instead of an 8 hour emergency room wait. I waited two hours to get antibiotics. As I sat there and waited, people were turned away at the door because it was full for the day by 10 am. Meanwhile, some lady thinks needing to get a mole checked out is urgent. Some dude with eczema on his hand, that he could have had checked out by a pharmacist, thinks that's urgent. People are experiencing problems with their pregnancies and broken bones next to me, while half the people in there could have called 811 or done a simple google and seen what they have going on is not, in fact, urgent. Think about other people. Ask yourself what 'urgent' means, maybe? It's not rocket science.

Is this Bullying?

Years ago, I had a supervisor at work who made my life hell. He eventually quit, but I dealt with him for years and continue to grapple with the trauma. I randomly experience feelings of rage bubble up because of all the times I had to bite my lip and suppress my anger when he provoked me. He'd been demoted from a previous position and was constantly terrified of getting fired. To save his job, he wanted me to perform as if I were superhuman or a machine. He followed me around all day and constantly breathed down my neck to work faster and complete more tasks. Unfortunately, quitting was not an option. The company has a carefully worded anti-bullying policy. Basically, managers can't use slurs, violence or any *obvious* forms of bullying. "Ensuring accountability" or “motivating” employees they'd say, is not bullying. The insidious thing about my supervisor was that he figured out how to bully people in a way that didn't appear to violate the policy. He repeatedly used tone and body language by speaking to me like an angry, belligerent drill Sergeant. He'd slam things and take “digs” at me that were insulting but without slurs. He’d gaslight me by telling me to do something while I was already doing it as if that would make me do it faster. On top of the constant nagging, needling and pressure to do more, he'd constantly criticize and complain about every little thing while making me take responsibility for his mistakes. I often started my day listening to a list of complaints and then working without any breaks all day to finish everything so that I wouldn’t get berated. One day, he was speaking to me in such an indescribably rude and demeaning manner that I finally lost it and cussed him out. The senior managers suspended me. I didn't bother to explain the pattern of bullying because I thought their reaction would be, "wait, so he's been driving you as hard as possible on behalf of the company? Haha, that's awesome, keep it up!” I’m still haunted over whether I should've spoken up or not. At the time, I thought that his behavior would be considered laudable, so I quietly accepted my suspension. So tell me, should I have reported him? Is the behavior I’m describing bullying or was I just an unlucky worker with a demanding boss?

I wish i never met my husband

I should have known better. I cant sand the behavior of my alcoholic, narcissistic husband. I was ready to leave but he will fight everything because he can, lie and manipulate for ego alone. He is not my childrens father and im sorry I have put this man in their lives. It is my fault. I ignored my gut feeling but why? This is punishment snd i feel like an ass, an idiot to fall for his initial charm. For everyone who has ever felt wronged by me, I am truly sorry and I am suffering. Shame on him but shame on me. Now Im stuck with this.

Getting why we met... and why we failed

I was chatting with a friend about a guy who seriously entertained the idea of having me on the side if not leaving his marriage outright. The risk was too much for him, as he couldn't give me the courageous leap to claim me by leaving what he had or even by declaring his feelings out loud to my face. He hated that I couldn't be the side piece that allowed him to have both worlds. I shook up all he knew and he never forgave me for making him feel what he felt while knowing he couldn't be what I needed. We were both awful to each other trying to find a way of loving each other that we both wanted but couldn't have because we were both firm in our own terms. We were alike in ways that didn't help. He still hates me because, in the quietest moments, he still desires me and I ruined his plans. And yet, he's strong enough to bury himself in life to not think of me, the one who got away (he hates that part because it's true). I found a silver lining in this experience: I was able to empathize and give good advice to my friend about to go through something similar based on my experience with the man from my past. Communicate, be completely open and honest and be okay that doing so brings truth to each other's hearts, even if the result is realization that it cannot be. That is the advice I gave. No hiding, strategic gameplay, no withholding feelings or facts. All the things a healthy relationship deserves even if it leads to its end is what two people wondering about the love of each other deserve. To that mixed up man: I get why we went through it all. Such drama, omg. Oddly, I thank you, and I'm sorry we couldn't be healthy together like that but I hope you're at least content. I know you will always hate me because it's easier and I know you want to forget. I hope, if you can't forget, you realize silver linings that do add to your happiness in yourself and in others.

I SAW YOU

Sisters of Mercy Outside the Rickshaw

I inquired about the metal fest going on and we had a brief talk about metal genres and then...