Confessions

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On a slow day

at the office. I tried taking some edibles after lunch. Most of the staff left early so I’m pretty much alone. It’s been a fun afternoon lol.

What’s wrong with me

I can’t move on from people, they can screw me over, steal from me, or use me and still I just want to run to them and be held and feel better. I can try to move on for months on end but the feelings always there somewhere inside and I don’t understand why, someone with any dignity would never talk to these people again, and even if I refuse to let myself talk to them I know if they reached out I’d probably go running right into the fire to get burned once again

Unsure

I'll be thirty soon. I can't believe how old I look for my age. I just gained a new forehead wrinkle the other day. I'm going to try to just accept myself. I stopped dying my greys because I'm sick of conforming to societies beauty standards. My friends and family have made pretty insensitive comments like oh god you're too young to let yourself go or wow time dye those suckers, bud. (that one did make me laugh). I feel like society accepts men going grey like it's sexy but for a woman it's not? Maybe I'm wrong. I feel so insecure but I'm tired of trying so hard. I don't know what I'm trying to say here.. I'm confused. Happy holidays folks!

History books

I have been fascinated by reading books from the mid 1700's-mid 1800's. When the world was being first mapped. The thought of being on boats headed towards the unknown is cathartic in an internet world. Darwin's the Beagle, Cooks the Discovery, Bligh's the Bounty, etc... a time before planes looked down, before a satellite was ever orbiting, before Cousteau had shown us what was under the sea... before streetlights, before electricity, when the Amazon was unmapped, the industrial revolution was the future, not the past.... when society was young. When life was hard. When even the clouds were beyond our reach. The moon was beyond the heavens. What a time to be alive.

What do I do?

I'm in a relationship that I don't want to be in but everytime I try to leave he threatens to take away our two dogs. We got them together and they are biologically related and bonded so we don't want to seperate the boys. Im only staying in the relationship for the dogs at this point. I love them beyond words and can't handle loosing them. He keeps saying pretty much daily that if I leave him I'll never see the boys again so we should stay together. He's gone to far to say that if I leave he will find me and take the dogs back. He knows where to find me if I leave...

Sweet dreams

Sometimes I wait till my husband is asleep to please myself and get a good deep sleep. It’s not that I don’t love him with all my heart but he takes awhile to come.

So Unfortunate

I have so many amazing male friends in my life who’d make wonderful partners and I’m only attracted to men who have fear of commitment or have serious emotional trauma.

I think

the world will end soon. And even though I’ve been fairly well off, I’m glad. Time to move on from this cess pool of debauchery !!

Helping myself

I will never touch cocaine ever again in my lifetime. I was going through a phase and felt depressed over personal issues in my life. So I decided to give a try. I figured maybe it would help me sort of numb the pain so to speak. But I realize that no, it’s not the answer to solve your problems. Just giving the benefit of my experience here. On one hand it made me feel as though I’d been on top of the world right on cloud nine. But when I did too much, I’d spend my days coming home at 6 AM and layed in bed until 2 PM. Once that high wore off, I became irritable, angry and gloomy. Very bleak. Cocaine is also by far the worst drug when it comes to sex. You can’t even get aroused since it cuts off your blood circulation. I realized that I needed to look deeper inside myself to resolve the personal issues going on in my life. So I went to see a psychologist and he gave me the best advice anybody could ever give me. He told me to just focus on pleasant scheduling instead of doing drugs. And by pleasant scheduling he said to keep on doing the things I love such as drawing, exercising, swimming getting a haircut, going for a massage etc. Ever since I’ve taken up pleasant scheduling, my life has turned around for the better. I can now think for myself and my head is a lot more clear than it was before. Making a decision to cut the dangerous poison out of my life was one of the healthiest choices I’ve ever made and haven’t looked back since. I encourage anybody who is itching to break free from that vicious circle not to hesitate to go seek help. Helping yourself requires discipline and willpower but it saves your life and will do you good in the long run.

It’s pretty absurd

Working your ass of on a dying planet with no future. I just want to volunteer to help people and clean the oceans.

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