I didn’t catch up on the eclipse today. Didn’t even notice anything happening outside. For some reason, it just doesn’t do it for me. None of these things capture my interest or make me want to orgasm.

My mom always told me that she inherently thought parents try to do right for their kids. Sure my dad had walked out and disproved that in many ways, but for the most part I let her have her beliefs. The last few years changed my mind through. Social media, vaping, energy drinks, online gambling, a pandemic that in Canada stretched an extra year longer than the rest of the worlds. Everyone of those things are red flags that we knew before hand, and have allowed to happen anyways. Young adults are passing at a higher rate due to drugs than any time in BC history. If we're doing things right why have every metric we use to measure crashed and burned the last few years. Can't always blame everything bad on a boogie man.

Someday, I’d love to disappear from everything. I’ve had this fantasy of faking my own death and just like Andy Kaufman. What a brilliant unique comic genius. He was the Joaquin Phoenix and Sacha Baron Cohen of the 70s.

The worst kind of liar is one who lies by omitting crucial information. Like if they say things like “I’m not seeing anyone else!” and accuse you of imagining things when the fact is that they’re not currently seeing anyone else but they were when you accused them of it. So they’re not technically lying but they’re just omitting the facts. So many other examples but you get the picture. They’re gaslighting experts because they make you question your sanity.

It seems that every 30 years of so, the youth of today rise up in artistic revolution. I was a kid in the 90's, my mom in the 60's, my grandma in the 30's. Well, it's the 20's and we're right on track. The youth of recent went through something none of us olds will know what it's like. Isolation in ones formative years will create pain for some, but it will also bring some sort of youthful artist revolution. I am excited to see what they do. When I was a young peep, NWA and Nirvana were opposites, and equally revolutionary. The early days of internet made art go global and the implosion was a beautiful spectacle of a generation. I am excited to see where this generation goes and what they dance to.

Yesterday, I thought about someone I was once very much interested in. He misses me. He dreams of having me back. It's odd to be that person, the one who "got away" that they regret losing. They revealed to be selfish & awful, giving mixed signals unnecessarily. They showed interest a lot, but then got unpleasant when the interest was reciprocated. They weren't single, either. I shouldn't have made excuses for them in the quest to be empathetic. I believe in being straight forward: if you're unhappy in your current relationship, then you talk about it to either make it work or you end it, not look for what you're missing in someone else while keeping the relationship going. If you're interested in someone, own it, admit it, show it. I don't see the joy or value in social game playing. It doesn't do anyone any favors. It only caused heartache in this case. For what, to kill boredom? They were bored so they invited/lured/seduced/charmed someone else into their life & wasted their time to make up for poor life choices because they lacked self-awareness or honesty? Now, years later, I'm glad I chose to walk away from them. In the end, I realized how I deserved better. I am single & I'm much happier. I think we teach some pretty crappy values & behaviours in society. I fail to see the value of getting involved with people intimately when dysfunction & complications are the norm. We have taught, encouraged, reinforced, & rewarded the wrong behaviours & I choose to stop supporting these & the people who feed that kind of life. I can excuse this from someone really young due to inexperience, not from a middle-aged educated professional with the knowledge of the world to encourage self-development a mere Google search or a click away. Distance does not make problems go away. Instead it allows the hurt to grow stronger. It makes the people we do wrong by go away. I don't want him or anyone like him ever. He blew it, especially by playing games and through inaction. I learned my worth by knowing boundaries that I learned to maintain. As I said: I am single & I'm much happier so I thank him for the experience as I thank him for doing all he did to spare me from being with him. I am very fortunate, indeed.

We used to be friends. I remember the good old days when you were happier and kinder, now you’ve changed clearly. But not for the better. You’ve become a completely different person. You seem spiteful, cynical, and just downright mean. What happened? Where did we lose connection? We were friends. You never used to be like this. Where did we lose each other. Did it just slip away? Did something happen in your life that caused you to behave the way you do? Is there something about you that maybe I should know about? How can I help you? I wish you would just tell me what’s bothering you so that we could put an end to all this. I’m tired of fighting and I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s no need. Just tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can try to help you, even if it’s slightest bit.

I want a relationship but it never ends up there. It just ends up being sex and not much else. I would like to have a relationship that's more then sex. Its like you bounce from one woman to another. Its always "We're just hanging out". So we're never dating but we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. I don't understand why I am not bf material. I am not a #$#$# boy.

A co-worker told me horrible news before the weekend. There was an accident where her sister works and scalding hot cooking oil was spilled all over her, sending her to the hospital with 3rd degree burns. She gave me an elaborate story about how her sister was a supervisor at A&W when a car crashed into the drive-through spilling the oil on her. She said it happened on April 3rd. My co-worker was finishing her shift and was leaving so I wasn't able to give her much in the way of condolences before she was gone for the day. I decided to see if this horrible occurrence made the news, I checked the internet for stories about cars crashing into a drive-through at an A&W and saw the incident did happen in North Van, on March 16th. I thought it was a bit odd she would get the date of such a traumatic event that wrong. After the weekend, when I saw her again, I asked how her sister was doing. she gave me this blank stare and told me "she's at work". I mentioned the news she gave me on Friday and she laughed and said, "Oh, that was my sister's niece". I told her, on Friday, she specifically said it was her sister. She reiterated with "no, it was my sister's niece". Then she went on with her job. To lie about something like that is odd to be sure, but this woman is a very strict evangelical christian, she goes to church three days a week and got on my case once when I admitted that I like to have a glass of wine at the end of the day to wind down. Lots of tut-tutting about the evils of alcohol. Surly using someone's tragedy for attention would be frowned on at her church? I don't trust my co-worker anymore, I don't even know if the person involved is actually her sister's niece either. I didn't push the issue. I'm an atheist, I have heard her talk about the fates in store for non-believers in the afterlife. I guess her sins will be forgiven and mine won't be? This sort of thing just cements by belief.

I don't know what to do he means everything to me . My brain tells me to stop trying and my heart screams not too. He said he loved me then disappears. I don't know what to make of the situation. Do I wait or leave. I've never loved someone as much as I do him. I tried to have dinner with someone else after he distanced himself . But all I could think about was him. It's always only him