Don’t ask me to tell any dad jokes. I don’t know what those are.
I have not kept my end of the bargain. My best friend died four years ago. Before he passed I promised him i would live life to the fullest. It hasnt been easy. The pandemic hit, i then lost my job and then pretty much lost any motivation. But things are better now and last weekend i partied it up. I stayed up late. I danced to every song and shared the dancefloor with some amazing people. I even got a girls number! Lol. So im making up for lost time. Its good to be back but i really miss my friend.
Haven’t talked to my friend since he got married. He has two kids and the wife is expecting a third baby on the way. It’s not the same anymore. I’m single with no kids and no wife. Haven’t even found the right person so I find that the older I get, the harder it is to relate to my friend. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a very nice guy but we’re growing apart. It’s obvious to me there’s no room for single guys in his life.
I hardly visit my mother anymore like I used to. Our relationship has been broken in the last couple of years. She’s always anxious, on edge and does nothing but cry day in and day out. I could hardly be myself around my mother since she became increasingly overly sensitive. It’s like you have to walk on eggshells when you’re around her, otherwise she gets so offended easily and blows sky high. She never used to be like this back in the good old days. My mom constantly me that her anxiety stems from a dysfunctional abusive family that she grew up in. She was a victim of physical, verbal and sexual abuse. I guess that’s probably why she turned out the way she did. But I’m not sure what to tell her anymore because I am not A psychotherapist. I even suggested that she should try seeking therapy of some sort to address the problems that she’s had in her own life, but she refuses to listen to me. She doesn’t want to help herself and is afraid that some shrink is going to provide her with pills and drug her up. It’s beyond my control and there’s nothing more I can do but carry on and live my own life.
But I don't know why because it's so stupid. For example, I like to eat just ice cream cones without ice cream. My girlfriend came shopping with me the other day and she noticed I bought ice cream cones but no ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant and ever since I was a child I would just eat the cone but I love them and I eat them like cookies. Well I didn't want her to think I was weird so I just lied to her and said I get my ice cream from somewhere else. I don't know why this is so embarrassing. I just like snacking on the cone.
I enjoy people but find that I enjoy doing stuff alone much more. Hiking, seeing concerts, I want to devote 100% of my attention to these things. I feel bad for excluding people when they want to join. “Sorry I want to be alone and enjoy this thing purely for me” is just rude. I feel pressure to group socialize but I go farther by myself. I guess there has a time and place to group socialize like for after work drinks. When I’m with others, I get preoccupied with whether they’re having a good time or not, whether I’m being funny enough, open enough, etc …… so I’d rather just be with the trees or music and exist peacefully without any demands.
As I rewatch Stranger Things to prepare for season 4 I noticed something. It hits differently than before. It feels scarier but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I then realized I first watched the show in 2016. Between then and now, I was in a car accident and had an experience with psychosis. Watching Winona Ryders character felt terrifying this time. To know what it feels like on the inside and witness how chaotic things appear on the outside. The desperate desire to be believed that something sinister is afoot. Yet in this story of suspended reality Occam’s razor is a blunt tool unable to scratch the surface. How comfortable I felt following the story before that experience, scoffing at disbelief and embracing the unbelievable. This time I tread more carefully, mindful of how easy it can be to slip.
I used to think a lot about having my own little
house in the woods. I still do from time to time, but lately that's been overtaken by the idea of creating a living space inside of a natural cave, something cozy but still airy. Living inside a tienkeng would be amazing too. I think it appeals to my subconscious desire to escape and be hidden.
I must admit … for the blue wrapped building I could t afford and its occupants
I put a post it note on my mirror right beside my face. ‘You are Enough’. I try to say it out loud as I look at myself. I feel silly. I try not to smirk. I’m smirking. Out of the corner of my eye my mind reworks the words and I see ‘I’ve had Enough’. Heh. Now That I can get behind. What have I had enough of? I’ve resigned myself from my needs for too long. I’ve had enough of tolerating. And what I’ve been tolerating will continue if I allow it. To crack the code. This great resignation, where will it lead if I choose to change?