Confessions

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A good week

This last week I spoke to more new people than I have in the entire last 18 months. It was truly a great week of eye contact, smiles, laughs, support and kindness. My life has been a barren desert so the simple act of meeting new people has been like winning the lottery. And I discovered something very interesting: there is a reason that I like certain people’s cadence and energy. After some simple digging, it turns out that we have done the same things, and like the same things, almost identical things. It’s true, you can enter the room as strangers and emerge at the end of the night as friends. I just wanted to send out there positive vibes and a massive thanks to people who are open and who continue to embrace life and connection!

When the wife is away

Before my wife left for the old country she said she wanted a divorce when she came back. I was devastated. She is coming back now and I have enjoyed being alone and now I'm looking forward to being divorced and being alone again. Yes I know much of the fault for her wanting a divorce is on me but to be honest she will be better off without me.

Oya

I haven't moved from the couch in nearly 2 freaking years. I thought eventually I'd be able to travel...guess I should learn needlework instead.

Worried about her

I’m worried about a very close family member who is heading towards heartbreak. She’s in her 60’s and has a male friend who she’s known since high school, that she’s falling in love with. Her husband died several years ago and she’s been alone ever since. This friend knows the whole family and her husband, and I know he’s not in love with her. He only sees her when he’s single (he’s one of those old bachelor guys who’s a serial dater), and other than that she rarely heard from him . But lately he’s been hanging around at her place all the time ever since his most recent relationship ended. It’s what he does with every woman he dates. She cooks for him. She drives him places. He doesn’t seem to do anything for her except hang out at her place acting like he lives there. He’s nice enough but I think he’s using her and I don’t want to see her get hurt. I want to say something but I also know that it’s her business, but I care about her so much and she’s already had enough hurt in her life. I was thinking of saying something to him but it’s very awkward since he’s kind of like an uncle and I’m sure he’s just going to get angry and deny it, even if I’m right. So I’m just biting my tongue but it’s so hard to watch.

i am tired of living

but i'll carry on. just exhausted. seeking to understand others all the while being very misunderstood, it feels like too much work these days. i don't know how people have the energy to date as they do with frequency? i suppose one summer i did that, i've had small bursts of that, but lately i don't want to see anyone at all. for example, the people i matched with online last year and had months of conversation with, i suddenly don't feel inclined to go on a date when they ask me, when in fact, i should. i wanted to! why does it feel so bothersome now? even the person that i missed so much, in the impossible chance they asked i might say yes and meet them out of mania, and then see myself walking home deciding to never see them again because i feel so numb. the act of dating draws all of my energy out of me. i think i'm depressed. financial stress will tear you apart inside out, so i'm learning. it will eat your romance and all of your desire. i am content spending time with friends, anything that isn't intimate. but a life without romance, even just the romance within you, is a sad one.

endeared by a cute customer

who i doubt i'll make a move on if an appropriate time ever arises but he's been so sweet and i just appreciate that gentle almost flirtation but not quite interaction, on the daily. the mutual lingering, the quaint cheeriness, and the finding excuses to prolong small talk. i'm not ready to get back into dating quite yet, i'm weary for it after having dated someone who never sought romance, but these pleasant interactions have reminded me that there are lovely intriguing folks out there who might want me too. sometimes that's all you need, those gentle minute flirtations.

It’s my life

My older sister finds it very strange how I feel comfortable telling some people that I have autism spectrum disorder. What does she care? I feel like she doesn’t even know me after all these years. Whatever I do is none of her fucking business but my own. Believe it or not, I’m very selective about who I share this with. I’ve only told a few close friends and coworkers that I trust because these are the good genuine people in my life.

social media

I just make posts to seek validation for my selfish behavior

Dreams die everyday

I moved away from Vancouver to get away from the memory of, and the chance of running into, an ex. Like a normal person, I always wonder what if? Yet, Vancouver does not seem like the city I left. It always does not seem like it will be returning to the sleep Pacific Northwest oasis it always was. Seattle is kind of the same. Maybe I am just being cathartic about a lost love, but maybe the lost love was the city I loved and which I grew up in. The dream I left is no more. The life I wanted that broke my heart wouldn't have turned out anyways. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it was destiny.

I SAW YOU

Crosstown liquor store bike gal

Hey. You were exiting Crosstown liquor store on Abbot street yesterday evening, around 6 or 7pm....