I enjoy people but find that I enjoy doing stuff alone much more. Hiking, seeing concerts, I want to devote 100% of my attention to these things. I feel bad for excluding people when they want to join. “Sorry I want to be alone and enjoy this thing purely for me” is just rude. I feel pressure to group socialize but I go farther by myself. I guess there has a time and place to group socialize like for after work drinks. When I’m with others, I get preoccupied with whether they’re having a good time or not, whether I’m being funny enough, open enough, etc …… so I’d rather just be with the trees or music and exist peacefully without any demands.
... has started throwing things at me. I am disabled, live at home for economic reasons. I have dealt with a father who was physically abusive as well as an abusive brother who ended up dying in his 20s due to drug abuse. I recognize the pattern---she has escalated to throwing objects. if I go through any of these "domestic abuse" pamphlets the Government prints and substitute "mom" for "spouse" and "child" for "spouse" it is literally what she is doing to me and has done for much of my life. Historically she would, like, poke me in the chest, tell me she wanted to knock my head off.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take, and there is zero support. I literally just need a few hundred more dollars a month from the ministry, and I can move out.
She displays zero insight into her condition, as was the case for my father and brother. father was physically abused by his adoptive father, doesn't understand you can't strike someone because you dislike their conduct. Brother was socialized to believe he was allowed to strike me because "I'm the bigger one."
I just want off this ride. It's so horrible.
i had sexual pleasures alone on the rebound of one of my cousins and it felt great.
It seems I'm turning into a anti-YouTube person.....there's I feel a lot of poison on it.
I have had my ass kicked by life many times. The hardest part is usually the humility to admit that I lost. I was making $50k a year and the pandemic erased that and I found myself with my tail between my legs applying for minimum wage retail last summer. After seeking out a solid winter, having many things bounce my way that usually wouldn't, I was feeling pretty good going into spring. I dusted myself off with some of these small successes and re-applied to my former life. I got some positive news, but with the pandemic, I remain hesitant to any good news. Late last week I was talking in person to from my 2019 life and not only were they happy to see a familiar face, but they were in awe of my resilience and determination to my industry to stick it out. To re-apply. To get my ass kicked and stand back up and walk back through the door. To have taken on retail(which I still do) and kept my sense of humour. Things are dependent on the summer but should things stay open and the world be normal, I am going back to what I love with a bonus waiting for me at the front door. Taking the L sucks. It sucked. But that's life.
Repent at leisure. Or so the saying goes. So I’ve wondered if they’ve ever regretted that impulsive decision made after drinking and having a temper tantrum. So many people seem to make these big choices in the midst of a heightened emotional situation without understanding that words once said can’t be unsaid. So in my case I’ve definitely made some dumb decisions when I wasn’t emotionally calm. However, as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that I need to always keep the harsh things I might be feeling in the moment to myself, unless my intention is to permanently wound someone or destroy a relationship. Sure you can always try to apologize, and they might forgive you, but I guarantee that they will never forget what you said.
I’ll never admit to getting old and feeling tired. That’s for other people to do.
I want to watch the world from afar and write letters to it every day. To let my words be a lullaby in the fog to ferry its mind into a place of respite and dreams.
I feel like I was bred to be a low level worker and conditioned to enjoy this way of life best. What is the alternative? I suppose living out my days on an isolated island or hanging from a bell tower.
Even though I’m in my mid 30s, mentally I feel older. For some strange and reason, I feel as though I have the mentality of a 66 or 76-year-old man. No, I’m not grumpy or anything. I’ve always been separate from the rest of people my age. Maybe it’s just me but I find that people around my age just bore me to death. They’re all the same…Superficial, phoney baloney and so disconnected from reality. None of them seem to spark my interest whatsoever.