These pride parades are too boring for my liking because I’m not gay. There I said it.
I did some spring cleaning and had to go through tons of boxes in my garage to see if there was anything I still needed or wanted to donate. I found a box of old books and discovered a Bible. Had no idea I even had one to this day. I picked it up, read though a few pages and thought “Wow! This is so boring.”
On rainy days like this I love opening the windows and blinds to watch and listen to the rain. The awed hush it brings to the environment, the muted and potentially electric light in the sky, the smell. It’s the greatest feeling in the world for me. Somehow I become more awake, alert, keen. I breathe deeply and my body relaxes.
Just like it took time to adjust to keeping away from people and staying home for 2.5 years, it is taking time for me to re-enter the world in normal activities again. Forgive me friends, for overdrinking. I spent the last 2 years drinking all my drinks with 50% ice. So drinking everything full strength and not diluted, I was a wreck and ended up puking all night. Next, I tried a group hike, which sounds like a fun fresh-air idea, but after 4.5 hours of talking and being with people I don't know, I was completely and mentally exhausted by the end of it. Not used to being with people for so long anymore. I am sorry that I stopped talking at one point; I literally could not think of anything else to say. Hadn't we talked about everything that needed to be said? Was life really like this before, pre-pandemic? How did I get so socially weakened? Next, I tried the club. The music was *deafening* and made me exhausted. I could not hear any of my friends without them yelling into my face. Did I really pay money to seek out this environment before? The food that I eat in restaurants have weird additives (probably msg) that keep me up until dawn. So used to everything I eat made from scratch. Everything is sensory overload, from the way people look at me up and down, to deciding how much to tip. Last night again I found myself out of words with friends. I am not this odd, truly, the pandemic really altered my previous social brain into something I don't recognize. Reintegrating "back to normal", I'm trying, I'm trying, but not doing it very gracefully. Apologies if I appear slow or catatonic or want to go home early... it is Me, not You.
I don't know how to be part of things. My whole life I feel like I am watching other people participate in the world, and I'm just watching from the outside. I don't know how to break through and connect with people and things, it's like they have some capacity that I don't. Don't get me wrong, I survive, I have a job and apartment. I just feel so detached from everything, like I don't have the capacity to care about things or love anyone.
I feel like I'm in bum fuck Idaho.
Seriously the little store is an hour walk away. I'm at the bloody end of town here where the cows live.
Put this on my grave " She walked herself to death and made a mean brisket".
Oh Lord Help Me !
So I’m in my almost mid 20’s and I’ve been through the foster care system growing up, I was 6 when I went in and a huge part of me now is trying to get answers from my parents. We don’t have the best connection and I haven’t and don’t talk to them very often. I saw them in person a year back now and my purpose was to get those difficult questions answered but I cowered away and pretty much left after the first hour with them. Those questions never got answered and I feel like it’s been slowly eating at me for the past year, I feel like I need the answers to know myself and understand. Idk tho. The answers I get I guess is what scares me most. I’m going to plan a trip again to go see them. I need answers
We are supposed to get through every year with 2 weeks of holiday. Im the only one at my job that knows certain tasks. I KNOW 100% that i will not be allowed to take two weeks at once. I do not consider one week off as a holiday. I REALIZE that two weeks is standard. I know that some people get less or none at all. But can we please aim higher instead of always comparing ourselves with others? My boomer mom is all:
wElL iN jApAn tHeY wOrK 70 hOuR wEeks!!!
Yeah well suicide and death by stress is common there. Great example ma. Also, she never had to work until her adult life. So she is obviously an expert on the modern workplace.
Oh well. If i just wait FIVE FUCKING YEARS i get another week of holiday. Fuck
Most parents have likely been guilty of this at one time or another. Congratulating ourselves on doing a much better job as parents than our own parents did with us. Patting ourselves on the back as we assume that we did it purely on our own. But as I’ve grown old and have watched my own children raise my several grandchildren, it’s occurred to me that my parents didn’t do such a bad job after all. Without their teaching I wouldn’t have had some of the skills I did to raise my own kids. I learned far more positive things from them than I gave them credit for. Yes, they made mistakes and they weren’t perfect, just as I made mistakes with my own parenting. But obviously if they raised good people then they did something right. So now, instead of blaming my parents for everything that went wrong in my life, I’m thanking them for all of the good things they did and acknowledging that they tried their best when raising me and my siblings. I raised some good people too, in spite of the mistakes I made while I was young and not as wise. So well done to all of us who tried our best!
I was unemployed for the past 8 months or so. I never tried dating as I figured no one wants to date a jobless person considering the first question everyone here has is: what do you do for work?!?!?
Now i am working, making good money and im so exhausted all the time i dont even have the energy to chat on Tinder. Lol. Oh well. Whatever.