Confessions

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Can you feel it?

Praying for a thick shroud of fog that lasts for three days!!!

One bad apple

I joined one of those neighbourhood buy-nothing FB groups that has generally been really good. But there’s one guy on there who is so overwhelmingly irritating that I’ve left the group because of his posts alone. He’s just such a colossal moron and I wasn’t able to stop seeing his posts or stop him from commenting on mine. Every time I saw his name come up I would physically shudder.

Time = Respect

My manager had a choice today: he could move one item from Box A to Box B as he's already in the office, or have me commute 2.5 hours to do the same. The item has no bearing on my paid work. If the item stays in Box A, it's not part of my job duties. He asked me to come in. Fortunately a coworker offered to move the item for me. Point blank I realized that my manager doesn't have my back at all and would prefer to do nothing and have me on transit for 2.5 hours. It's times like these I wish I were independently wealthy.

Treat Day

I've cut eating out down to about once every two to three weeks. Today is one of those days. Given that I used to eat out everyday due to stress/depression/laziness, I'm surprised how disciplined I've been. It's been really hard. But, not being able to afford rent and being on strike/laid off is scary. I just hope I can keep this up until it's the good times again. Good luck everyone!

I want to delete it

But I haven’t been able to do it yet. I found a recording that has my ex’s voice on it. I hadn’t heard their voice at all since we broke up a long time ago, and suddenly there they were. It was a shock to hear it again and stirred up so many confusing emotions. I know I should delete it but I keep finding myself playing it over again just to hear their voice. I’ve been so strong for all this time and now I feel weak again. I’m so mad at myself!

Inflation

My budget is getting very tight. Before I could afford good bread and organic milk. Now I'm buying 50 percent off bread and 50 percent off milk. I feel like a failure.

Donkey

Figuratively my boss kicks me like a donkey, oftentimes in group email chain. Do something, do it faster, what’s the answer? And like a donkey I stop moving, stubbornly shutting down. I’ll move again when I damn feel like it.

Hard to understand

When an organization so proud of all their plaques of all the free funding and free donations and free land , free building supplies and free money giving to them by people and businesses so proudly displaying in the entrance showing how much money they have collected on the wall when you enter the building in my life yet this free shit never trickle down to the people that need it most. I have never seen more outdated, old shitty equipment, furniture or free garbage just placed in a building in my life ! And they don't care about the people living here when you call to complain they just keep quoting spec's and code by-laws. Where is all this Funding going ? Right into their shitty little pockets! It's appalling ! Appalling !

I have a plan

It’s not an immediate one so no one would think to consider it a crisis. It’s more of a “once this thing happens I’ll do it” kind of plan. I have no desire to hurt anyone. In fact I love them all too much which is why the pain is so intense. There’s just nothing left to stay for and I know that it’s never going to change. This pain isn’t one I’m willing to live with. I’ve been around long enough to know how it goes. It gets better for a while but then it starts up again and I’m the target. I just can’t take it anymore. There’s nowhere to go that I can escape to. I can’t turn myself into someone else just to satisfy them. Nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. I’m not being dramatic either because it’s right there in the words they write to me. I’m not imagining it. When the only reason you have for getting up every day hates you or doesn’t care if you live or die then I just don’t see the point anymore. So that’s my confession. As soon as that one thing happens, I’m outta here.

I'm an addict

I detoxed in 2019 through a new start program after battling to get myself help for 17 months of violent self destruction. I am one of the stats of 2019 who did not pass. There were 948 deaths in all of 2019. Through out the pandemic I have been a vocally person to my resources that online supports and pre-recorded nothingness is not an effective solution to the crisis. Zoom chats were much needed in 2020 when isolation was new. But as 2021 turned to 2022 and many services found it easier to go online rather than re-open their doors the crisises has not once gotten better. we are causing this. humility sucks when solutions like an app saves 50 people whereas in person services had saved thousands. I'm an addict. always will be. give me in person services or give me death.

I SAW YOU

Aug 18 Fanny Bay Chevron (?) gassing up

Admired your bike then smiled at you. I should've said hello.

SAVAGE LOVE

Savage Love: It's okay to tell yourself that you don't actually want a long-term relationship

Dan offers advice to a woman who always ends up alone due to her discerning tastes in men.