I had a vivid dream that the woman ive been madly in love with since 2017 walked up and asked me to join her for coffee. Then pow, i wake up. She knows, she knows.

Now you are wondering. Words become meaningless at the depth of my disbelief. I will honor my end of the bargain. If the universe said you will come a-begging and a-crawling on your knees, at least I would laugh. No. Is that clear? Because my heart can only break only so many times. Until that time comes, if ever.

If I don't go to the store to buy her wine, I'm a bad daughter. Yes I know things are tough, money is tight and life isn't unfolding as she had hoped, but booze isn't the answer.

Maybe I'm dying ! Change in weather maybe. Broken heart ? I don't know ! Just tired I guess :( Do you think things ever really work out ? Rock and a hard place again. It's like it never ends. Maybe you just get to the point where you just stop trying. Like nothing you do ever works out or makes a difference anymore. Great ! But there's always tomorrow. Tomorrow

I love rom coms, I always dreamed of a love you see in these. The way the man does everything in his power to make the woman of his dreams his. I love trees, I walk down streets or trails or the beach. I look up and see how they’re so tall and proud. Even the ones with fallen leaves or old branches. They still hold their beauty with their endless flaws, yet still standing proud and tall. I love scratch n wins. I get excited knowing I might be the next billionaire, I think about all the ways I’d help my family, friends and then me. I love dogs, everytime you meet one they judge you not on your looks but your soul, energy and who you are inside. I love chocolate, it reminds me of my dad and the sweets he would never deny me. I love smiling at strangers, the feeling of maybe I made their day. Maybe I changed their morning afternoon or night. The imagine you receive from a short small interaction, all you feel is a beem of warmth I love photos,taking the time to find the right pose, right shot, right angle just to see the result in my friends faces. Seeing the beauty that they can’t always see. I love many things,but I wish that I could feel that one thing. Love. I’ve never truly been loved, not the love you receive from your family or friends. It’s the love you receive from that one person. Your person. I want the feeling of a man asking every detail about me and remembering the small things like my middle name,or that I have strange thoughts that I sometimes just let loose. I want a man who looks at me like I’m tall and proud,that my flaws make me even more beautiful. I want a man who buys me small simple things,just like the way my dad did. I want a man who takes his time,bends down and captures the beauty I sometimes can’t always see. I want a man where when I smile he knows that my heart is fully his. I want the love I see everyday,and feel everyday. I want to feel that love I pour into others. I want it,but I don’t need it. I see it everyday and feel it everyday. So I know I’ll always be my person.

I’ve noticed that the people who are the first to tell someone else to suck it up are the ones least likely to ever do that. They expect you to suck it up for their benefit because of course they’ll never make any accommodations for you. So I hit that line finally, where it was the proverbial last straw. Something inside me just snapped and that was it. Tired of ignoring the constant disrespect, minimizing and invalidation. Tired of being the only one expected to “just forget about it” or forgive. Tired of being anyone’s doormat or scapegoat. I don’t care what you call me or how you feel about it either. I visualize myself getting up off the floor and brushing off the dirt they kicked onto me as I walk away smiling.

Things have been stressful lately. So much that situations begin to feel less…real. Like I’m in some big test I’m meant to process, learn, and grow from. Where at any moment, dear friends will jump out and say Surprise! it’s all a practical joke, no need to get worked up. Oh I wish. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass this time.

One can't openly admit they don't have any friends and would like to make some.

I'm tired of cancel culture coming for celebrities. Celebrity women, celebrity trailblazers. The idea of not being satisfied when someone isn't cancelled, seeing aggregate websites cancelbombing them until they win. Drew Barrymore is a child star. Child stars are notorious for being completely screwed up. Without committing a crime, but for the inability to not be in front of a camera(something that's been her whole life), she's been cancelled for... crossing a picket line. Really? People are going to tear down a woman for that? That is gross.

Speaking from experience, the ONLY way to conquer your fears is do embrace them, and failure. Spending your whole life afraid of your own shadow ain't going to get you anywhere. Knowing your own limits is one thing, testing them is another. People are imprisoned by their own minds. The only one really telling you that you can't do/aren't good at doing something is YOU, followed by a trail of excuses as long as a bridal train. All the great figures we look up to didn't rise to fame by trembling in fear over what others thought of them. Stop pondering, humming and hawing, and start doing (and no, I don't mean become a phenomenon/TikToker. Be real!). If you fall down, get back up, and press on. Should one day you be diagnosed with some terminal illness (God forbid), you'll regret not having lived before you die. PS: If you've got no money, where there's a will, there's a way.