I went off weed edibles for a month so that I could clear my head. Now, I’m back on just to see how my mind works again. Only this time I won’t over indulge like I used to. I think once a week would be better rather than every day.

I wonder if it makes me truly mad.

I have Netflix, but I actually prefer to watch old public domain films with a drink or two.

It was short lived, none the less, it was still an affair. She said it was a desperate attempt to get me to notice her. We did stay together, but it was never the same. The affront was to much. Some time has passed since then and only now do I realize – looking back, at that time I was ignorant and very selfish. I was there physically but She was alone. She was alone, lonely, and She was very, very desperate. Desperate enough to have an affair. An irrational desperate act by a very desperate person. And now, when I look back, for some reason I feel that I should apologize.

I confess that I feel completely overwhelmed by crises happening in my life. Every time I think I’m actually happy and things are going pretty well, something new happens and I’m knocked down again by the stress and sadness. I love my people so much. It’s heartbreaking when I’m helpless to be able to stop the awful things happening to them. I’m struggling so much in my own life and barely managing to stay afloat, and I’m losing sleep and feeling sick because of all the worry about them. I don’t know what I can do other than just be there to listen, but I feel so depleted so much of the time that I’m just too exhausted to do the things I need to do for myself. Sometimes the world is just too damned much. It’s times like these when I wish I had a partner to lean on, just to be able to share the weight of it all.

I quit drinking but most of my clothes have beer logos on them

Which was both painful and shameful. Everyone wants to be on target in life, but lately it seems it's getting tougher. I want to try again tomorrow though. I must be a glutton for punishment.

So much time wasted, just trying to survive each day, doing basics. Now I'm in my 40's and I'm haunted that it's too late for hopes and dreams.

Pre pandemic and probably the last 15 years I've been pretty fit. I hit 40 just before the pandemic and was pretty happy with who I was. 2 years later I have a punch. Maybe it's a 40's ponch, maybe it is a pandemic ponch. All I know is that it is not going anywhere. I've tried the gym, less, more, extreme, etc. I've tried dieting. Eating more. Eating nothing. No affect. Most of my is fit except this belly ponch. When I watching TV it's jiggly, but when I stand up it's... well it's still there. like a fanny pack. Guess I got to accept it.