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tiredcapitalism

i'm exhausted of rampant and unregulated capitalism. that is it. i am depressed and explore all avenues to eradicate or make some reasonable peace with it. but i know that any career viable to me now in the guise of money comes at the cost of major sacrifice in pleasure and dignity. and the work that has given me pleasure and dignity offers no true financial respite, hence heightening anxieties and insecurity and also... less pleasure and dignity at the fault of finances and not the purpose of the work. take the soul sucking career, cultivate circle of impressive acquaintances, trash your livlihood for a sugar daddy, offer up all of your pieces in the zoo of parasocial success or die finding lifelong friendships, love, enjoying the immaterial everyday bits of living, and expression by way of art.

Im an asshole

I am learning to be an asshole. I don't want to be, but it seems to be the only way to counter the constant bombardment of negativity and "advice" - finger wagging. Media is one thing, they do it to t get you to consume, but its the constant pressure to self doubt, and undermine my self esteem. I have to constantly remind myself that I am okay, i don't need to be perfect, why do so many people try to make me feel like i need to drink their newfound flavor of coolaid. From the financial advice of people that are so heavy in debt, to my ex who knows everything but cant get a job in this market to support her kids. From institution like religion, and police, who are are rotten from the inside, telling us how to behave. The friend who tells me to skip my craft beers; but I should try pharmaceuticals, pot and hallucinogens to expand my mind. My various employers for years telling me how replaceable I am, but cant find any employees to give time off, not to mention my pay is the same for the last ten years. Don't get me started on dating, jesus, its like Shania said, that "aint good enough". Yes, i pay a therapist to give me perspective that I am okay! I know this, but still go, because the barrage of finger wagging is stifling. Jesus, why do I have to be an asshole and tell people to chill the fuck out, otherwise they don't get it. What the hell do you bring to the table? I am happy to learn and grow from people that are actually doing the things they preach about, and succeeding at it. So if i cut you off in the left lane because you've been doing the speed limit, just like the car next to you for the last hour. Fuck you. I don't want to do that, thanks for the lesson. Do your thing, please, just do your thing, stop shoveling that down my throat and let me be.

Life Without Social Media

Well, almost without. I sometimes check in on a photographer friend by way of Instagram but I am not creating anything or posting anything. I had used social media such as Facebook for a number of years before realizing that the people on the sites were not friends in the way that I think of real friends, they were acquaintances and mutual acquaintances who knew far too much information about me before we had actually spent any time together even getting to know each other. We had never spent time together in person, and I was not happy with the way my relations with all these people were evolving, it was toxic and I decided to stop using social media. I reinstated Facebook once, but all in all it has been two years since I used it and I feel so much better about myself and my life. I feel that Facebook was a source of discomfort and too much detail and critique. in general, a waste of my time which I can now spend on hobbies and (now-- after covid restrictions)- seeing more people in person and developing relationships the old fashioned way

Secret boss

I was offered a job promotion as Manager that would support my boss the Vice President who is quite difficult to work for (everything is asked of you at the VERY last minute). So instead I suggested they hire someone else and let me keep being the office assistant. Worked wonders! I’m so glad to turn down stress inducing promotion. Even though it means giving up an extra $20k-30,000 a year in bonus and perks...the new guy deserves this pay for all the extra crap he has to do instead of me. I love my lower stress job (in comparison) and the pay is decent, no complaints.

I want to believe

that my luck is going to turn around, that life isn't against me, that there is hope, that life won't always feel this lonely. But when you're working flat out and you're flat broke, eating dollar store rice crackers and applesauce for dinner in an overheated room every night, it's tough.

Our new home's greatest feature

Our new home has a small but completely private backyard. The uninhibited sex any time day or night outside has totally rekindled our marriage.

Easier said than done

I confess that I inwardly cringe when someone without any real family ties tries to convince someone who does have those ties to “just move”. Or “just do what you feel like”. The reality is that when you’ve got children, it’s not easy to “just” do anything that is basically entirely for you. I’m not only talking about when your kids are little either. When you’ve got family, if you want to maintain close ties with them, moving a distance away is going to adversely affect your relationship, regardless. Similarly, if you want to live your life without ever having to concern yourself with responsibility, then do not have kids! That’s a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice, but it’s the polar opposite of a lifestyle where obligation to one’s offspring plays a role. So if you recognize yourself in what I’m saying, please don’t get all preachy with me about “just” letting go of the family ties, because, respectfully, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I Often Fantasize

I know people are starting to wear masks less but I still fantasize about what women look like under their masks. The curve of their lips or nose. The shape of their cheeks and chins. I used to fantasize about what women looked like naked but not for a long time now.

Painful stigma.

I've lost over a decade to depression. I literally hide myself away in my parent's house. I've tried several different medications, therapy, intense cardio, being out in nature, got a dog, meditation, healthy eating, vitamins, minerals, herbal supplements. I'm so tired of trying, I'm so exhausted from fighting. And there's noone to tell because the stigma & judgment are extreme. 

I SAW YOU

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