Things have been stressful lately. So much that situations begin to feel less…real. Like I’m in some big test I’m meant to process, learn, and grow from. Where at any moment, dear friends will jump out and say Surprise! it’s all a practical joke, no need to get worked up. Oh I wish. I don’t feel like I’m going to pass this time.
One can't openly admit they don't have any friends and would like to make some.
I don't know what my role is. I don't know how I can best contribute to society. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't know how to move forward.
Often I wonder why life is so hard. I get bullied by the man in the top of the hierarchy. I feel preyed upon when exposed to men I don’t know. Things of value get stolen from me by others who are looking for an easy win. I then watch animal documentaries; the kind made by Nat Geo. And they’re comforting; the human world is just as brutal and competitive as the red animal world. Opposing groups fight to the death in the animal kingdom over resources, mates, habitats. Power is clung onto because it can easily slip away. When my complete prick of a boss insults me, or play mind games, it’s because he is trying to squash down threats to his world. Like me joining alliances with another company, the animal kingdom struggles are so universal.
Leaving a bad job. Told to train new person. They are nice, but unqualified after having this job myself knowing how demanding it is. I’m teaching them basics. I’m sure they are paid low, perhaps half of my salary. The company will save money, yes. But they won’t be able to get any work done with a Jr. it feels weird to teach someone your years of experience. My years have been hard fought, skills learned because I enjoy this area. Teaching someone so green, who hasn’t had the interest to learn the basics, seems like a waste of time. I now realize my worth. When something comes so quickly and easy to you, that’s what employers should pay for, the breadth of your skills.
People used to live a life of a magic and lust as they went throughout life. There was always a spiritual possibility. Today, the left just crushes it, and inundates other cultures with its thinking. I notice that they also tell them what to think and how to behave but don't take any of their own medicine. Just putting it out there for feelers. Sure seems like something that's fundamentally wrong.
I now believe dreams are but another realm to our conscienceness that truly exits but not always remembered.
I had this dream that I was taking cookies out of the oven and my wrist touched the rack pulling the pan out and I felt the burn. It woke me up and I really thought I had burned myself for a brief second. I even said Ow upon waking up.
When I think back to some of the obviously rotten things he did while we were together sometimes it’s hard for me to understand why I kept making excuses for staying with him. One of the really lousy things was this habit he had of never saying anything positive about any picture of me or my family or friends if I showed him one. No matter how old the photo was and even baby pictures, he would find something critical to say about it. I’ve been trying to recall any time he said anything nice about any picture that he didn’t take himself and so far nothing. Someone accused me of being obsessed but they don’t understand how completely devastating to a person being so emotionally traumatized in multiple ways for so long can be. How much it changes your brain and how long it can take to recover once you’ve broken free from that person. So I’m not obsessed with him because that part is done for good, but I’m obsessed with learning why it happened, how it happened, and how to make sure it never happens again.
I saw a Nun today. I wasn’t expecting that. To be honest I thought they were going extinct. Maybe they’ve finally infiltrated my Baeder Meinhoff mental filter. I’ve been wondering about luxury lately, status fool trinkets that seemingly raise a person. Expensive lifestyles that fail to sustain. A confidence game, like raising in a poker game. I’ve been questioning myself if I consider that enjoyable. I’m not convinced it’s a game I want to play. Learning to meditate is slow going. I wonder about a place of inner peace that elicits joy.
I'm not actually crying. I actually don't have an open, lower punctum in my left eye. After a severe infection years ago, it just closed. So most of my tears in that eye drain over my lower eyelid. It's a bit annoying, especially on windy days, but it's not worth the surgery. If you see someone that looks like they're crying only out of one eye, that's probably me.