I don't do things I enjoy because I am paranoid about making noise and bothering the neighbours. This makes no sense because I am already super quiet and my neighbours make about 10 times more noise than me. They don't really seemed concerned about bothering me. But I am not capable of acting the same way, I would be plagued with guilt. So instead I tiptoe around like a church mouse and don't have any fun. I wish I could do something I like, such as putting on music or watching a movie loud enough for me to hear it. I think I am too considerate. My own mother told me that! Being the least assertive person in the building is no fun.
From personal experience I discovered that there are some people out there that just want someone to fall romantically in love with them so they can go on some evil sadistic power trip of murdering said love inside another person. Just completely crushing their spirit, messing with mind and soul. Some people just want to destroy in others what they don't have in themselves. I realize most people never run into anyone so sinister, but nonetheless there are some truly evil people out there, and some of us have encountered them.
If it seems someone wants it a bit too much from me now, that's going to be a big red flag for someone of my experience. I don't need anymore serious inconveniences like that which drove me to a mental breakdown and a blotched suicide attempt. I will never repeat that again.
Announced tomorrow. I feel kind of sick. Drinking tonight.
I do not know how my life would be without the memories of being a 15, 16 and 17 year old going into the city for shows on summer nights. the buzz, the energy of being alive with little groups of friends adventuring the city in the hours leading up to shows, wandering Granville and Hastings and experiencing a big city open all night...
A couple of months ago I found what feels like a lump or a mass in my abdomen. I haven’t felt well in a long time. I told a couple of people about it at the time, but then I regretted telling them. I wound up telling them both that I’d had it checked out and it was nothing, but actually I haven’t gone to the doctor about it at all. I’ve been in a severe depression for ages now and I just can’t seem to shake it like I used to do. I’m kind of hoping that if I wait long enough to see the doctor that it’ll be too late to fix it. I’m so tired of fighting for my health and I feel like I’ve got nothing to look forward to anymore. I can’t imagine going through nasty cancer treatments on top of the other medical issues I’m dealing with, so I just want to wait until it can’t be fixed.
It's been a long time since I felt excited. Hopeful. Finally the pattern interrupt. A pause mid-word to create emphasis. Snapping out of it. Instead of running the maze and attempting to win the rat race. There is a moment of awareness, reflection. What do I see in the mirror? A rat. It leaves me with choice. Do I continue to run the maze knowing I'm not free? Do I rebel and throw results at my peril. Or do I endeavor to get out?
Suddenly there's an escape hatch in the maze and I want to run. I don't want life to return to what it was.
Very few people are enjoying what's happening. Lives in upheaval, best-laid plans destroyed or thrown off course. And I can't get enough. Let's cut the bullshit. Acknowledge the faulty standards that are aspired to but never reached. And for whose sake? Certainly not my own. I don't want to go back.
I'm not going back for the knowledge, but I want to go in and come out as an idealistic 33 year old male.
Do you think it's still possible? Will someone have sex with me because of my looks? No. The world is inherently unjust.
After being treated with blatant disregard by a long time friend over a matter I took very seriously, and this person knows this, I find it quite sad that during Covid, just nothing, no attempt to rectify things. After so many years as friends, there is this huge hole in my life, and by their silence I understand that for them, "no biggie" It's made me feel nothing towards basically everyone and every situation. What a shame. But really, I should have known better to try, I am such a fool.
I always feel kind of sad when people move out of my building, and I am still here. My building is fine, it's just I feel left behind when others are moving on to houses or presumably some sort of improved living situation. I mean, can you imagine living in a house! I'd be in paradise! I am working towards improving my lot but it is slow going and covid has crushed my income. Sometimes I feel like I will die in this random grey apartment building, and never know what it is like to truly have a home.
One of my customers that I have been dealing with for many years sent me a PO today. In the recent past, his customers have had problems with the set up that I had been selling him for many years so he asked if there was another option. I built up his item a different way and he put them through testing. He told me about 1.5-2 months ago that he's going to need 500pcs of them so I quoted out 500pcs....today he sends me a PO for nearly 100k. My largest sale in the 14 years at my job. I'm celebrating with some strong beer tonight. I'm quite happy about it and HO doesn't know yet. Monday they will :)