I got together with a coworker for lunch yesterday. It was so nice to connect and talk about stuff. We basically exchanged thoughts on how fucked up Covid really is and it made us truly cherish the time we had together for lunch. Fingers crossed that hopefully this storm will soon blow over. Some day. Maybe.
I felt like shit today. My hair was goofy. But man oh man I was getting play from the hotties all day long. I confess, I may have been misusing the power of my hair.
I wish I had someone to cuddle up with. My husband hasn't touched me in ten years and we sleep in separate rooms. Pathetic I know. No love lost when we split, I just don't know when or how I can do that without devastating my children.
I like my job. I like the people I work with. However, as someone who has disabilities, going to the gym is the only way I can physically and mentally prepare for employment. I work hard outside my work hours to be a capable reliable worker. In 2 years of COVID the only time I crashed and burned was April May of this year in the 3rd wave restrictions. I am much more cautious this time. Giving my notice is tough, but with no physical and mental health outlet, I can not work a higher stress job.
sometimes, like right now, i get overwhelmed because my parents love me, and i never saw my mom, and now she always texts me, just to let me know that's she thinking of me and that she loves me. i had all this resentment, but i really wanted my mom to love me deep down. as a child, i just wanted her to come and see me because nothing was stopping her. i cried a lot after christmas because my dad apologized for hurting me and wished he stood up for me more, he realized that i was completely neglected. it felt really good to be loved by my parents, for them to acknowledge the past. i feel like a child now. i'm twenty six and i'm sobbing because i'm so relieved to be loved by my parents. i never felt this love when i was a kid. they were both drunk and yelled at us all of the time. my sister is estranged from our family and she's got her own issues, but i guess in a way i held it together well enough. i have a hard time seeing her and accepting the way that she cut everyone off, but i understand. i'll always be her sister who lived that same life she did. i screwed up on a lot of things but i haven't fallen apart quite yet. in some ways, i'm really lucky. i'm grateful for my family and this life.
I admit that I'm a slow reader, in both my languages. I always have been, and I've always felt guilty for being so thanks to the school system. It takes me longer to grasp passages of text than "normal" readers. That said, as I read, I hear, see, feel, taste, smell words, voices, worlds... In other words I absorb what I read as though I'm savoring vintage wine. As you read this, you're probably like, "so what?" I get you. My point is that I'm now no longer embarrassed or ashamed for being slow and taking my time -- contrary to what my teachers, peers, speed reading courses, and even parents essentially accusing me of being stupid or "suffering from a learning handicap". I hated tests for years... reading fast under pressure, and then failing miserably. It left me feeling as though I'd never make it anywhere in life, especially in the big fish eats little fish capitalist world. I refuse to give in and let myself get run down by that. It may take me forever to finish a book or to mentally sort out the newspaper article I just read, but for what it's worth... The worlds that I've visited (and in two tongues!) have added so much to and shaped me. It's just such a bummer that I had to wait to finish school, and university, and wait ten years to shake that trauma just to realize that.
I confess that I've attached myself to someone like a barnacle to a whale. It happened gradually, over time, and now I feel such a strong connection to them. I have completely and inappropriately fallen in love.
Cook because you gotta eat.
Send a card with photos to people around the world.
Dream of spring and flowers and summer and days on the sand.
Bar on the back burner, invite list loose in my mind.
Run. Not because I want to but it kills an hour.
Money used to buy fun and experiences, now it just accumulates without any personality.
Call my parents, they are fine.
Remembering dancing in clubs til my hair was soaked with sweat, completely present, not thinking of anything.
Miraculously, my sex drive has emerged from underground and has not been scared away by its own shadow. Fingers crossed for the possibility of some safe and fun friskiness by summer.
I can't do this on my own so I am going to get someone to help me.
It's not a bad thing to ask for help every once and a while.
I will prevail !