Confessions

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I don’t care but young women should

My spouse is having an affair with a co-worker 25yrs younger than him. Decades ago we both had our pick of mates. We chose each other and I just don’t know why anymore. I’m too wise and zen now to care about his void he cannot fill. I don’t really care about what’s going on, it’s not about me. But I want to warn young women out there , don’t get involved with men in midlife crisis. You’re hurting yourself and why? Learn to love yourselves so you don’t have to find yourself in this kind of desperate relationshituation. You may have been told some kind of back-story, but what you are doing is wrong. Check-in with yourself, be kind to yourself and others. Two wrongs don’t make a right partnership.

Moving on

I’m changing my personality and outlook for the better. During these past few years, I let a lot of stupid people take advantage of me. All they ever did was suck the life out of me physically, mentally emotionally and financially. But ever since I woke up and cut them loose, my life has improved. My bank account has increased and I’m a lot more confident than I ever was before. I’ve learned to create healthy boundaries out of self respect. Not going to associate with idiots just for the sake of not being alone. Once you cut stupid people completely out of your life, you do not go running back to them. If it takes a while for me to find decent people to hang out with who value me for who I am, then let it be damned.

Confession

These pride parades are too boring for my liking because I’m not gay. There I said it.

I truly suck at going out again

Just like it took time to adjust to keeping away from people and staying home for 2.5 years, it is taking time for me to re-enter the world in normal activities again. Forgive me friends, for overdrinking. I spent the last 2 years drinking all my drinks with 50% ice. So drinking everything full strength and not diluted, I was a wreck and ended up puking all night. Next, I tried a group hike, which sounds like a fun fresh-air idea, but after 4.5 hours of talking and being with people I don't know, I was completely and mentally exhausted by the end of it. Not used to being with people for so long anymore. I am sorry that I stopped talking at one point; I literally could not think of anything else to say. Hadn't we talked about everything that needed to be said? Was life really like this before, pre-pandemic? How did I get so socially weakened? Next, I tried the club. The music was *deafening* and made me exhausted. I could not hear any of my friends without them yelling into my face. Did I really pay money to seek out this environment before? The food that I eat in restaurants have weird additives (probably msg) that keep me up until dawn. So used to everything I eat made from scratch. Everything is sensory overload, from the way people look at me up and down, to deciding how much to tip. Last night again I found myself out of words with friends. I am not this odd, truly, the pandemic really altered my previous social brain into something I don't recognize. Reintegrating "back to normal", I'm trying, I'm trying, but not doing it very gracefully. Apologies if I appear slow or catatonic or want to go home early... it is Me, not You.

Flying solo

I enjoy people but find that I enjoy doing stuff alone much more. Hiking, seeing concerts, I want to devote 100% of my attention to these things. I feel bad for excluding people when they want to join. “Sorry I want to be alone and enjoy this thing purely for me” is just rude. I feel pressure to group socialize but I go farther by myself. I guess there has a time and place to group socialize like for after work drinks. When I’m with others, I get preoccupied with whether they’re having a good time or not, whether I’m being funny enough, open enough, etc …… so I’d rather just be with the trees or music and exist peacefully without any demands.

My parents are just sad.

Once upon a time they cared about their community, volunteered, engaged with others, gave to the less fortunate. Now they're angry, resentful, isolated, addicted to conservative YouTube podcasts, think the world is against them, only give to extreme conservative causes. Don't know who they are anymore.

Older and wiser

Most parents have likely been guilty of this at one time or another. Congratulating ourselves on doing a much better job as parents than our own parents did with us. Patting ourselves on the back as we assume that we did it purely on our own. But as I’ve grown old and have watched my own children raise my several grandchildren, it’s occurred to me that my parents didn’t do such a bad job after all. Without their teaching I wouldn’t have had some of the skills I did to raise my own kids. I learned far more positive things from them than I gave them credit for. Yes, they made mistakes and they weren’t perfect, just as I made mistakes with my own parenting. But obviously if they raised good people then they did something right. So now, instead of blaming my parents for everything that went wrong in my life, I’m thanking them for all of the good things they did and acknowledging that they tried their best when raising me and my siblings. I raised some good people too, in spite of the mistakes I made while I was young and not as wise. So well done to all of us who tried our best!

Pluviophile

On rainy days like this I love opening the windows and blinds to watch and listen to the rain. The awed hush it brings to the environment, the muted and potentially electric light in the sky, the smell. It’s the greatest feeling in the world for me. Somehow I become more awake, alert, keen. I breathe deeply and my body relaxes.

I dont know

We are supposed to get through every year with 2 weeks of holiday. Im the only one at my job that knows certain tasks. I KNOW 100% that i will not be allowed to take two weeks at once. I do not consider one week off as a holiday. I REALIZE that two weeks is standard. I know that some people get less or none at all. But can we please aim higher instead of always comparing ourselves with others? My boomer mom is all: wElL iN jApAn tHeY wOrK 70 hOuR wEeks!!! Yeah well suicide and death by stress is common there. Great example ma. Also, she never had to work until her adult life. So she is obviously an expert on the modern workplace. Oh well. If i just wait FIVE FUCKING YEARS i get another week of holiday. Fuck

What is acceptable grief?

I confess, I find it difficult to understand why some types of grief are considered to be socially acceptable and therefore supported, but others are not. It’s as if as a society we’ve arbitrarily decided that the only acceptable grief is if someone you love has died. If that’s the case you’re socially allowed to be sad and to take time to recover, etc. People offer support, at least for a while. But there are so many other major losses that affect people! Like losing a beloved pet. Or losing a career. Or experiencing a major disability that causes a loss or a partial loss of one of your senses. Or losing an important relationship with someone you deeply loved, and not by choice. Losing your home is also a huge deal. But somehow the only people that are truly given the compassion for a loss in our society are those whose loved one has died. The rest of us are just given a “oh that sucks” pat on the back and expected to get on with it. But what if you’ve experienced every single one of these losses within a few years and you’re just not able to cope anymore? Does anyone care? Apparently not.

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