Confessions

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I honestly don't worry about dying.

It's the most inevitable thing in our lives on earth and not worrying about makes me not worry about lesser life stresses and they are all lesser.

Trying to find meaning

Please be kind with comments and constructive advice as I'm at a loss at what to do. I struggle with an invisible disability, chronic pain, fatigue and mental health issues, and struggle financially as I'm only able to work pt with great difficulty. So fed up with Vancouver and the stupid cost of living here, can't afford anything even with roommates and there are some weird postings and requirements.... it's so odd and disheartening. It's constant tests, medical appointments, being a guinea pig and trying so many different treatments with only bad side effects that I can't tolerate as it impacts other health issues badly. Friends are all busy with partners, careers and their lives so I rarely see them, and feel like I'm pestering them every weekend, but I need to get out for my sanity and socialize but their too busy. Tried meetups, but it's wearing as people are rather flaky and I don't want to be judged for my health issues etc. The loneliness is painful, and it seems like it's just that way for many, especially here. I've tried everything for depression for years, but it's treatment resistant and hard to treat. Yet I keep seeing someone, trying different things with things not improving. I keep having people suggest I date and be surprised by the fact I've given up. Sorry, but most guys aren't the nicest especially with what I deal with. They are rare, and dating is a nightmare for both sexes here. It would be nice to meet someone, but I'm a realist and not actively looking as I've got a lot on my plate. Friends tell me so what, I should still try, but I can't deal with getting screwed over or hurt. From the outside, I appear able bodied but it's very difficult. I need more support, but can't afford it, can't leave a toxic living situation due to finances, and it's all due to a body and mind holding me hostage and fighting and being knocked down so many times over the years. What's the point of life if it is to only know suffering? I'm not alone in this as many people struggle and I just don't get it. It's never bad, corrupt people that experience profound suffering. So what do I do?

You can learn a lot

Breaking up with someone you love is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. So there’s got to be a very good reason why someone would choose to do it. From my own experience with one person (on and off relationship), I’ve learned that you can learn more about a person’s character by how they behave in a breakup than just about anything else that they do. If someone has been insensitive in the actual relationship, count on them ramping up that behaviour 100%. If they’ve been cold and unemotional, same thing. So paying close attention to this particular situation is extremely important, so that the difficult decision you made to end things in the first place can teach you never to repeat it again. I think I’ve finally learned my lesson.

Unrequited Love Sex

Does it happen?? Can someone be obsessed with someone long enough or intense enough that the other person is just like "ok, whatever, let's do this"? 'Cause trying to critically examine my life choices I'm pretty sure that's what I'm banking on.

Life’s a bowl of cherries

My life has been full of incredible and at times unbelievable experiences. And yet some of the most commonplace rites of passage in life have alluded me. On one hand I consider myself lucky. And on the other hand I wonder how it’s even possible. At times I’m viewed as something ethereal, others an unfortunate pariah, sometimes I’m even viewed in a more sinister light with suspicion. Inevitably there comes that sideways glance given in hopes of catching insight to why I deviate from a perceived accepted norm. My life has just been different than yours. I’ve met a surprising number of people in Vancouver who don’t know how to swim. I also know an even larger group of people who are virgins. I’m curious though why one is obsessed over more than the other. I could tell someone I don’t know how to swim, but admitting I’m a virgin seems incredibly taboo. Why is that?

Recently Turned 40

I had ONE friend who warned me about this but I can't believe it's happening to me. As a woman who has just turned 40 my sex drive has taken a nose dive, my body has changed to be boxy-er, and orgasm, where the F are you? Did I mention sex hurts? When/IF I finally do come I hardly feel ANYTHING WTAF? It's like a light switch was turned off.

I'm like an infected ant when I get sick

When I get sick, I'm like one of those ants that get infected by the weird fungus that grows a mushroom out of its head in Blue Planet. The fungus takes over the ant's brain and makes it climb as high as possible. The ant climbs as high as possible and the spore explodes, thereby infecting many other ants. You see, I wear skinny jeans, jean jackets and weird hats. I feel like the first thing that I would do is go to Main St around Mt. Pleasant ... and start drinking craft beer and partying all night long while sneezing. It's just what I do when I am sick. I wonder if it's the mind-controlling disease or just my personality. Anyways, fret not, as I think it's only contagious for other people who are wearing skinny jeans.

Revulsion redux

Took a couple of months off from this place. Best idea ever for my mental health. Less than two weeks after my return, forcibly and sickeningly reminded of why I walked away. Like trying to reason with scavengers and vermin in the middle of a burning landfill. "Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them." - W. Clement Stone Not my place, not my people. And much rather it stays that way.

All used up

I confess that I have changed so significantly that I don’t even know who I am anymore. So many extremely difficult and painful life stresses happening over so long a time. At some point I think my body and mind just gave up the fight. I still try to go through the motions, but the me that once existed has gone. I don’t feel depressed as such; I’m just numb in a way, and I’ve lost interest in most things. I feel like I’m just waiting to die, and I don’t care. I don’t even feel sad, really. Just.....nothing. I used to be described as vivacious and passionate. I was noticed. I made an impact. Now I’m a shadow, and I don’t have the energy or the will to fight my way back into the light. It’s a very surreal feeling.

Love for this port city

I know that everyone bashes port cities because they're kind of messy sometimes (drugs, sailors, truckers, etc.) but I just wanted to say that I love Vancouver and I love the port industry. I have been in it for 5 months and it is wonderful!

I SAW YOU

Fat tug purchase

You were walking behind me and we entered KINGSGATE mall. You were wearing a beige hate, dressed...

SAVAGE LOVE

Savage Love: How to make your boyfriend “the girl”

How do I be more “the guy” for my boyfriend who wants to be more “the girl”?