i'm exhausted of rampant and unregulated capitalism. that is it. i am depressed and explore all avenues to eradicate or make some reasonable peace with it. but i know that any career viable to me now in the guise of money comes at the cost of major sacrifice in pleasure and dignity. and the work that has given me pleasure and dignity offers no true financial respite, hence heightening anxieties and insecurity and also... less pleasure and dignity at the fault of finances and not the purpose of the work.
take the soul sucking career, cultivate circle of impressive acquaintances, trash your livlihood for a sugar daddy, offer up all of your pieces in the zoo of parasocial success or die finding lifelong friendships, love, enjoying the immaterial everyday bits of living, and expression by way of art.
I am starving for affection
I stare like a creep at Construction workers. I love them. It doesn’t help that they wear the high vis, either, they are like sexy little beacons. Omg
I run because I try to escape the crushing loneliness. It isn't working.
I was offered a job promotion as Manager that would support my boss the Vice President who is quite difficult to work for (everything is asked of you at the VERY last minute). So instead I suggested they hire someone else and let me keep being the office assistant. Worked wonders! I’m so glad to turn down stress inducing promotion. Even though it means giving up an extra $20k-30,000 a year in bonus and perks...the new guy deserves this pay for all the extra crap he has to do instead of me. I love my lower stress job (in comparison) and the pay is decent, no complaints.
Our new home has a small but completely private backyard. The uninhibited sex any time day or night outside has totally rekindled our marriage.
that my luck is going to turn around, that life isn't against me, that there is hope, that life won't always feel this lonely. But when you're working flat out and you're flat broke, eating dollar store rice crackers and applesauce for dinner in an overheated room every night, it's tough.
I confess that I inwardly cringe when someone without any real family ties tries to convince someone who does have those ties to “just move”. Or “just do what you feel like”. The reality is that when you’ve got children, it’s not easy to “just” do anything that is basically entirely for you. I’m not only talking about when your kids are little either. When you’ve got family, if you want to maintain close ties with them, moving a distance away is going to adversely affect your relationship, regardless. Similarly, if you want to live your life without ever having to concern yourself with responsibility, then do not have kids! That’s a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice, but it’s the polar opposite of a lifestyle where obligation to one’s offspring plays a role. So if you recognize yourself in what I’m saying, please don’t get all preachy with me about “just” letting go of the family ties, because, respectfully, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
I know people are starting to wear masks less but I still fantasize about what women look like under their masks. The curve of their lips or nose. The shape of their cheeks and chins. I used to fantasize about what women looked like naked but not for a long time now.
I wish our society had a better way of flagging or identifying lonely and single people in our society. Maybe a special shirt or hat that says “I’m single, feel free to come up and talk to me if you’re interested.” You never know how many single people are out there. I was out and about, hanging out by myself last weekend, and I would have given anything to have someone to grab dinner with. I’m sure I wasn’t alone. Just a way to take the stigma and tabooness out of it all!