I creeped an ex recently, not for jealousy or malice, just for interest. It's weird to see people in their 40's seemingly addicted to social media. Perfect marriage. check. perfect kids. check. perfect job/career. check. But there was nothing there. What seemed like 5000 posts since the pandemic started led to nothing but perfection and a weird distilled version of a life. I guess it allowed to me to move on completely. Not for the life in pictures I saw, but for the fact that 5000 posts in a few years is a life. And nothing that remotely is my life. Anything but that understanding would be dishonest to myself. People change. I guess in this case, we both did.

That’s all we are at the end of the day. I watched news about a guy who belongs to this group of people who believe that they don’t have to comply with any rules or laws because they say they’re not valid. But no matter where you go or how small the tribe is, every single group has rules. All of them. That’s how humans are able to live together at all, because otherwise it would be total chaos. The fact that so many people now think that rules and laws don’t apply to them is what’s creating so much confusion and fear. There’s too many of us now so we’re all scrabbling for resources just like any small tribe would be fighting for their share against other tribes who also wanted the same things. So if you think that laws and rules don’t have to be followed, go live in the wilderness on your own, where you’ll find out soon enough that even nature has laws.

I’ve been dealing with a heavy footed upstairs neighbour for the last 5 months and although it was tolerable at the start with the aid of headphones and ear plugs - I started getting pressure headaches and symptoms of tinnitus. When I developed an ear infection I decided to cease with this and just endure the noise … but realised how bad the thumping was only with secondary commentary from a friend who was visiting. When I decided to voice my complaint to my building manager.. only did the behaviour from the neighbours escalate and become antagonistic. Thumping, crashing from early evening to early morning - it was constant. It was if they were taking their life’s frustrations out on the flooring. Anyways one night I had enough. I couldn’t go back to bed. I was in this spiral of frustrating energy. So I decided to snoop. Just thru social media I found out information: names, date of birth, places of work , who the rental agent is for the apartment and other minor things. But what was probably the cream of the crop in terms of free information was that fact this person works for a leading specialist in hearing devices for the hearing impaired. What irony.

I always think it’s just me struggling. Everyone is so good at putting on a warm and cheerful demeanour. And when it’s commonly known that things are hard it’s a relief when things can be kept light. Play along that life is beautiful. Somehow I missed the memo, never heard the rules. For everyone in the game it’s a balm, but for those on the outside it feels off kilter, deranged, but you’re not sure if it’s you or everyone else so it must be you. When I do hear someone break out of character and say, things haven’t been good, somehow the air comes back into my lungs and I can breathe again. Was I holding my breath? I suppose I was, afraid to let out anything in fear of contaminating others and causing smiles to wither.

After my parent passed I started thinking about one of our last conversations. They told me that they weren't worried about me. They worked the same job for 40+ years and you could set a watch to their routine. I, on the other hand, change paths every year or so and in no way related to what I was previously doing. I meander. Obviously its cliche to do the opposite of a parent. But they told me my paths, even the horrible failures, were always entertaining to them. They stayed in their lane out of strength to raise their kids, but in every way did not want their kids to do the same. I loved my parents and got to have amazing last conversations with them. But as time rolls on I have something I never had. A love of the life I lived while they were alive, and a self love of myself that I did not have until they espoused their words in the finals weeks to me.

What do you do with a middle aged sister who 100% ignores you and avoids all eye contact with you at a family dinner. She asks zero questions to you and your husband. And the only time she addresses and looks at me is by making a demand about her upcoming birthday. I bought her birthday present months ago and honestly don’t even care to wrap it or spend $ on a birthday card. I’d be fine with not seeing her for a year or three…

My brother and I used to be really close growing up. He got married and then went through a nasty divorce. That changed him. His mood deteriorated, he disengaged from family, started to abuse substances. I've tried to get him help, be supportive, offer olive branches and everything is met with silence or disinterest. I love him and I mourn the relationship that we could have had. But I realize that I'm not responsible for his happiness and that he's the only one that can implement change.

Can't find a family doctor, no one is taking new patients. Doctors are like leprechauns you may see one crossing the road but you can't get an appointment with one. Walk in clinics no longer doing walk in appointments they are only seeing their own patients. But the signs outside their office still say walk in clinics. Now I hear the emergency room at the hospital has new hours 8am to 8 pm only for emergency care. What is going on? What happens if you get hurt at 9pm ? What are you supposed to do ? If you can't walk in to the emergency at the hospital, does that mean the only way to get care is by the ambulance bringing you in ? That's going to put a lot of pressure on the ambulance services, wait times will be ridiculous. And doesn't it cost to take a ride in the ambulance? Once again what's going on? Apparently don't get sick or have an accident ! You know how to get more doctors ? Free education for the medical profession that might interest people to get involved, become a doctor!! Ridiculous Health Care !!

There happens to be a certain point where lusting after an unrealized relationship ruins all chance of it ever being successful IF it was even requited. I don't know exactly when this point happens, it might depend on your age and gender, but it's definitely less than the 13-14 years I've thought about them. So why do I still dream?

I've petted ALOT of street cats. It's incredible how diverse the personalities of cats are. Generally street cats range from friendly to frightened, but there are plenty of weirdo cats too... and occasionally a sociopath. I got mauled by one without any warning once. I didn't need stitches but I could recognize the site of the attack by the blood trail for a week. I wish I lived somewhere stable where a pretty indoor outdoor cat could visit me.