Confessions

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Im an asshole

I am learning to be an asshole. I don't want to be, but it seems to be the only way to counter the constant bombardment of negativity and "advice" - finger wagging. Media is one thing, they do it to t get you to consume, but its the constant pressure to self doubt, and undermine my self esteem. I have to constantly remind myself that I am okay, i don't need to be perfect, why do so many people try to make me feel like i need to drink their newfound flavor of coolaid. From the financial advice of people that are so heavy in debt, to my ex who knows everything but cant get a job in this market to support her kids. From institution like religion, and police, who are are rotten from the inside, telling us how to behave. The friend who tells me to skip my craft beers; but I should try pharmaceuticals, pot and hallucinogens to expand my mind. My various employers for years telling me how replaceable I am, but cant find any employees to give time off, not to mention my pay is the same for the last ten years. Don't get me started on dating, jesus, its like Shania said, that "aint good enough". Yes, i pay a therapist to give me perspective that I am okay! I know this, but still go, because the barrage of finger wagging is stifling. Jesus, why do I have to be an asshole and tell people to chill the fuck out, otherwise they don't get it. What the hell do you bring to the table? I am happy to learn and grow from people that are actually doing the things they preach about, and succeeding at it. So if i cut you off in the left lane because you've been doing the speed limit, just like the car next to you for the last hour. Fuck you. I don't want to do that, thanks for the lesson. Do your thing, please, just do your thing, stop shoveling that down my throat and let me be.

Where are all the lonely people?

I wish our society had a better way of flagging or identifying lonely and single people in our society. Maybe a special shirt or hat that says “I’m single, feel free to come up and talk to me if you’re interested.” You never know how many single people are out there. I was out and about, hanging out by myself last weekend, and I would have given anything to have someone to grab dinner with. I’m sure I wasn’t alone. Just a way to take the stigma and tabooness out of it all!

Don’t talk to me

I was about to get on the escalator at Metrotown station when some dude holding a bible tried to block me. This guy waves his bible in my face and says “How’s it going?” I tell him not to talk to me, then he says “ok, I won’t.” I am not interested in anyone that tries to push and shove their personal beliefs down my throat. Whether you believe in God, mother nature or the devil is nobody’s business but your own. Keep that to yourself.

Am I the only one around here

I stare like a creep at Construction workers. I love them. It doesn’t help that they wear the high vis, either, they are like sexy little beacons. Omg

Secret boss

I was offered a job promotion as Manager that would support my boss the Vice President who is quite difficult to work for (everything is asked of you at the VERY last minute). So instead I suggested they hire someone else and let me keep being the office assistant. Worked wonders! I’m so glad to turn down stress inducing promotion. Even though it means giving up an extra $20k-30,000 a year in bonus and perks...the new guy deserves this pay for all the extra crap he has to do instead of me. I love my lower stress job (in comparison) and the pay is decent, no complaints.

Our new home's greatest feature

Our new home has a small but completely private backyard. The uninhibited sex any time day or night outside has totally rekindled our marriage.

I want to believe

that my luck is going to turn around, that life isn't against me, that there is hope, that life won't always feel this lonely. But when you're working flat out and you're flat broke, eating dollar store rice crackers and applesauce for dinner in an overheated room every night, it's tough.

Easier said than done

I confess that I inwardly cringe when someone without any real family ties tries to convince someone who does have those ties to “just move”. Or “just do what you feel like”. The reality is that when you’ve got children, it’s not easy to “just” do anything that is basically entirely for you. I’m not only talking about when your kids are little either. When you’ve got family, if you want to maintain close ties with them, moving a distance away is going to adversely affect your relationship, regardless. Similarly, if you want to live your life without ever having to concern yourself with responsibility, then do not have kids! That’s a perfectly legitimate lifestyle choice, but it’s the polar opposite of a lifestyle where obligation to one’s offspring plays a role. So if you recognize yourself in what I’m saying, please don’t get all preachy with me about “just” letting go of the family ties, because, respectfully, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

selfish friend

I find myself distancing from a friend because they constantly want to meet up only to talk non stop about themselves and all their relationship problems. I have had enough on non reciprocal relationships and people who don't value my time and energy.

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