Confessions

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Ok, I admit iit

I felt like shit today. My hair was goofy. But man oh man I was getting play from the hotties all day long. I confess, I may have been misusing the power of my hair.

Baby it's cold outside

I wish I had someone to cuddle up with. My husband hasn't touched me in ten years and we sleep in separate rooms. Pathetic I know. No love lost when we split, I just don't know when or how I can do that without devastating my children.

I’m no snitch

But I know more than a couple people claiming to have Covid to get off work. It’s a good idea. Maybe I should try.

tiredeyes

sometimes, like right now, i get overwhelmed because my parents love me, and i never saw my mom, and now she always texts me, just to let me know that's she thinking of me and that she loves me. i had all this resentment, but i really wanted my mom to love me deep down. as a child, i just wanted her to come and see me because nothing was stopping her. i cried a lot after christmas because my dad apologized for hurting me and wished he stood up for me more, he realized that i was completely neglected. it felt really good to be loved by my parents, for them to acknowledge the past. i feel like a child now. i'm twenty six and i'm sobbing because i'm so relieved to be loved by my parents. i never felt this love when i was a kid. they were both drunk and yelled at us all of the time. my sister is estranged from our family and she's got her own issues, but i guess in a way i held it together well enough. i have a hard time seeing her and accepting the way that she cut everyone off, but i understand. i'll always be her sister who lived that same life she did. i screwed up on a lot of things but i haven't fallen apart quite yet. in some ways, i'm really lucky. i'm grateful for my family and this life.

Slow Reader

I admit that I'm a slow reader, in both my languages. I always have been, and I've always felt guilty for being so thanks to the school system. It takes me longer to grasp passages of text than "normal" readers. That said, as I read, I hear, see, feel, taste, smell words, voices, worlds... In other words I absorb what I read as though I'm savoring vintage wine. As you read this, you're probably like, "so what?" I get you. My point is that I'm now no longer embarrassed or ashamed for being slow and taking my time -- contrary to what my teachers, peers, speed reading courses, and even parents essentially accusing me of being stupid or "suffering from a learning handicap". I hated tests for years... reading fast under pressure, and then failing miserably. It left me feeling as though I'd never make it anywhere in life, especially in the big fish eats little fish capitalist world. I refuse to give in and let myself get run down by that. It may take me forever to finish a book or to mentally sort out the newspaper article I just read, but for what it's worth... The worlds that I've visited (and in two tongues!) have added so much to and shaped me. It's just such a bummer that I had to wait to finish school, and university, and wait ten years to shake that trauma just to realize that.

Finding a job

I took time off to have a kid and go back to school, now I'm trying to find a job and everyone is asking why I have no employment for a few years umm.. I was taking care of a kid and doing pt school so it took me like 5-6 years to do my BA... I'm trying to find a job for the past 6 months with no luck... I don't understand, I have great experience, great references, great GPA, but I just can't get hired. One company lead me on for two months, made it seem like I was going to get hired interviewed me 5 times just to go with someone else another company didn't want to proceed with an interview cuz I accidentally failed a typing test (my cat jumped on the keyboard, and I had one attempt to pass). I'm a good employee! Im smart and I work hard! Please hire me... please give me a chance...

What to do in Phase 2

Cook because you gotta eat. Send a card with photos to people around the world. Dream of spring and flowers and summer and days on the sand. Bar on the back burner, invite list loose in my mind. Run. Not because I want to but it kills an hour. Money used to buy fun and experiences, now it just accumulates without any personality. Call my parents, they are fine. Remembering dancing in clubs til my hair was soaked with sweat, completely present, not thinking of anything.

I didn’t want to be right

For a long time I’ve been certain that my parent isn’t as wonderful as everyone else is convinced they are. They’re very, very manipulative and passive aggressive. But the rest of the family always assumed that I just had a problem with them and was judging them too harshly. I just have this ability to see people for who they really are, in spite of what they think they’re showing to the rest of us. But now they’re really old and their behaviour has finally become obvious to everyone because it’s gotten so bad. They’re totally self-absorbed, they lie, they throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, and they have to be the centre of attention all the time. It’s become a huge problem and is causing no end of grief for the whole family. I get no satisfaction from being right, other than feeling a little bit validated, but I’d much rather have been wrong. They say that people with this type of temperament just get worse with age, and that’s definitely true in my parent’s case.

Guilty and a little bit ashamed

I live in an "adult oriented" townhouse complex where at 65, seem to be the young one on the block. Furthermore, it appears at least in the area that I live, the ratio of men to woman here is 2 to 1. So, over the last 10 years I have become the first line of inquiry when a house-hold repair problem occurs. I also shovel snow. This is not the problem, actually I enjoy the repairs: the changing of light bulbs, furnace filters, smoke detectors and such. However, because of my disposition, I insist that only my costs be refunded. This is where the problem arises. Some of the recipients too insist something. Usually a gift in the forms of alcohol, flowers (?) and baked goods. But, I do not drink alcohol, have no need of flowers and only eat foods with no preservatives. Now, I have thought about this. When I am given these "tokens of appreciation" should I refuse them or gracefully say thank you and then later discard them. I must say, in the past I did refuse some alcohol with the explanation of "I don't drink alcohol", but then the look of disappointment on that woman’s face changed me. My confession: I graciously accept these gifts and then later, with guilt, discard them.

I SAW YOU

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