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Tired

Maybe its covid or maybe I'm just not " friendly " enough. I've been working at a place for 5 years and I just don't seem to fully click with anyone. I've always seemed to have friends in my previous places of employment , but I just can't seem to make anything stick. Everyone has their cliques and I just kind of float around as the " nice girl ". Im soft spoken at times and try to take a genuine interest in people by asking them questions yet its never really reciprocated. Having lived in this city my whole life and I see why people who have just moved here find it so difficult to make friends. It's just exhausting. Maybe I shouldn't care so much .

I just can’t watch anymore

I’m a very sensitive and empathetic person. I react very strongly to other people’s emotions, so that if someone cries I have to fight very hard not to cry too. Total strangers being shown on tv crying, and I’m immediately crying too. So it’s become so bad that I can no longer watch the news. So many horrific things happening, and it just overwhelms me. I thought that getting old would make it easier for me to handle, but I’ve just become more and more empathic the older I’ve become. It’s to the point where I just want to hide from the rest of humanity because I can’t stand all the pain.

Glass Half Full, I Insist

People I admire in life particularly older folk try to concentrate on positive side of things always. I want to be like them as I get older. Its not possible to not see bad side of things particularly if one is somewhat intelligent but its important to not dwell on them and certainly its not badge of honor to do so.

Tuning out

These past few weeks have been very overwhelming. After having some very stressful phone calls I feel it’s time for me to decompress. I think I’m gonna go through one whole entire day without answering my phone. I need to decompress and take care of my mental health.

Maybe tomorrow

In the last two weeks I have noticed all of my friends have slowly stopped talking to me or are sending limited responses. I know it's because I have become so negative. All I do is bitch and complain about the horrible crap going in my world at the moment. I have moments of feeling selfish like why can't they be there for me and empathize, give feedback etc.. I realize however that they have their own crap going in in their lives and I am bringing them down. I don't want to push everyone away but it seems that's what I'm doing. The further I push them away the more desperate I become. I hate the unknown. I hate wondering if this is how life will be until the day I die and resenting motherhood. I have a toddler and I'd like to make it very clear that I love her with all my heart and I would NEVER resent her. It is the draining act of being a single parent that feels like a huge weight and is absolutely exhausting. The more I resent parenthood the more guilty I feel and it just perpetuates the negativity. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I hope it helps. I don't know how to get my friendships back to normal. It feels as though they are so sick of hearing my BS that they're uninterested all together. Sorry for the rant.. I really feel alone. Maybe tomorrow will be better

Shut up

I have a friend that can only talk about his stupid job. Its a great job that pays more than most. He has benefits, overtime, great holidays. But its never enough! The funny thing is he considers himself the best employee, the only who really cares. Yet, many others have been promoted ahead of him. Im pretty sure that if he kept his big mouth shut, and kept his head down he would be way ahead. But some people insist on being the hero all the time.

That hurt

You never know what life has in store. You can be doing great, and then have a “series of unfortunate events” happen, and suddenly you’re not doing so great anymore. That’s the story of my life, and I’m now in a terribly vulnerable situation as an older person. It’s very scary. I was always the person loaning and gifting money to other people. In fact that’s one of the reasons why I’m now in trouble; I gave away so much that I failed to keep enough in reserve in case of emergency. But now I’m the one in need, so I swallowed what little pride I had left, and reached out to a close family member for a short-term loan. He knows that I’d pay it back in full almost immediately, but still, he made me feel so awful. It’s obvious that he feels very superior and he’s very patronizing and judgmental. As much as I need his help, I’d rather lose everything I own than be subjected ever again to that type of bullshit. Having to beg hurts more than being broke.

I’m enjoying

I lose 10-15 lbs and all of a sudden women notice me. Smiles, glances, putting hair down, small talk. It feels nice :)

Getting Older

I am already settled down but I feel like I want more adventure. I walked past a beautiful woman yesterday who gave me a look that made me feel alive. I'm in my prime and I'm doing alright for myself... I guess I just don't want to look back and feel I missed out.

Is it mental health or real issues that anyone would feel?

I'm stuck in a shitty job in Vancouver. I am severely underpaid for what I do. I look at the real estate situation and feel totally hopeless. My family lives here, but I know that I have to move away to afford any decent life without being up to my neck in a mortgage. I just feel so angry though! The lack of control at my job and in my renting situation makes me feel so angry, anxious, and so depressed. Is this normal? How do people deal with it? I want to know because it feels so bad. I don't know if I can stay in this headspace.... and maybe that's how humans were designed to think? Maybe it's a signal to get out. How do people cope in the meantime though? How do you enjoy life?

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