Confessions

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Code Smells

I have subconscious ideas that affect how I interact with the world. They cause me to believe that I’m not wanted, I don’t belong, and that something is wrong with me. If I created a program and installed these principles, how would it function, if at all?

Elon Musk

Things haven’t been going very well at work. I’m stuck in a dead end job where the hours aren’t great and the people are shitty. The company I work for is one of those “Top 100 Employers in BC”, which is really bullshit. I have grown tired of favouritism, layers of bureaucracy and the lack of support from the Union. I’m looking to work somewhere else in the meantime and pray that something much better is waiting around the corner. Reading about how Elon Musk bought Twitter and has high functioning Autism gives me a bit of hope because if he can become hugely successful, so can I. I’m trying.

A few years ago....

I started to transition from male to female...but stopped, because I didn't pass...I was seen as a crossdresser or drag queen which I did not identify as....I felt more female, still on estrogen, but don't know why, I say I'm non-binary, but don't think I'm considered non-binary enough, plus I'm over 60, tall receding hairline, deep booming voice, tall, I guess I just was transitioning because I was unhappy with who I was before, I have always been kind of feminine in my mannerisms, very unattractive with my weird looking nose & buck teeth... I've always liked women, still do...I guess I'm just resigned to being a straight cis guy who loves women.

If you can’t party are you even real

I am in a parallel dimension, and it feels like I don’t exist to people I once considered friends. A collective forgetting about the pandemic and no masks means being in most spaces isn’t safe for me. Apparently discussing immunocompromised people is banned in BC press. It’s really alienating and isolating seeing endless photos of partying in maskless crowds, people doing things in busy inside spots (with their young unvaccinated kids) with no masks . . . People I thought were smart? And supposedly didn’t want this thing to go on forever? It’s a confusing and lonely time.

What’s the point

My mom died when I was 30. Eight years have passed now and so much has changed. Even though the loss was earth-shattering for me, I somehow managed to make a lot of forward movement in my life. Despite having a loving husband and dogs, I feel so lonely without my mom. She truly was my best friend and it’s been so hard to fill the giant hole she’s left in my heart and life. I depended so much on her friendship and have made many efforts to make new friends in recent years. But I’ve just had a series of disappointments. Efforts and care that have not been reciprocated, flakiness and people not showing up for me when I’ve needed them the most… I wear my heart on my sleeve and work in a profession that requires me to care for the emotional needs of others but don’t have friends that show their care for me. Thank goodness for my husband and my dogs. I wouldn’t have survived this nightmare if it wasn’t for their love. I’m honestly just so tired……….. :(

Giving up

Far too many times in my life I’ve been treated as if I’m disposable or not good enough. I’m sure it goes all the way back to infancy, so I’m not going to get into all that. But I’m old now and although it’s taken me all this time to figure out the patterns I’ve endlessly repeated, I finally have. So I’ve given up on trying with those types. I realize that for some people in my life, nothing I do is ever going to be enough. They will never be satisfied. They will continue to set that “good enough” bar higher and higher. So even though my love doesn’t end, my efforts to please them will. I’m so sad but I feel a sense of relief too.

Obsessed with ending it all

I’m 24 and have had chronic depression for almost half of my life. While I am fairly privileged with financial support from my parents while pursuing law school, I have thought about ending my life almost everyday for the past 6+ years. Over this time, I’ve gone to two therapists and have also tried taking different antidepressants, but honestly my thoughts have only become more frequent and intense. The only thing that keeps me from following through with suicide is a feeling of obligation to my parents and the knowledge that it would cause my loved ones a lot of pain. I almost find a sense of comfort in telling myself that I will eventually do it once my parents die, but I also realize how messed up that is. I have many things to feel grateful for, and yet I feel an intense sense of hopelessness. I really don’t know where to go from here.

Fuck being friends

Why would someone want to just be friends after a hot, passionate love affair didn’t work out? We were so attracted to each other but terrible as a couple. When it’s over, it’s over no more staying in my life.

Significant mental resonance with another human being is so freaking rare

It sucks. In my life, I've only met a handful of people who have deep and extreme mental resonance and chemistry (less than ten, sadly zero of who I have any kind of physical relationship with right now; I don't mean romantically but any kind). Physical attraction I find very common (there are a loooot of really physically beautiful people out there, holy smokes), and essence ("soul/spirit") resonance is also not uncommon - the number of people who happen to be an essence that is a soulmate must be in the millions, by my count [I have a kind of unorthodox understanding of what 'soulmate' means]. Both combined, also not that uncommon. But real mental resonance that is profound, amazing, mutual, and has that electric "it" factor is so rare, at least for me. And if that's not there, the other two tend to fall by the wayside. A lot of people are really awesome, friendly, have things in common, have that "it" factor partially, etc, yet somehow it just doesn't click in all the right ways, mutually, and it ends up being... somehow lacking experientially on my end. I'm not trying to invalidate them at all, but... I wish I would meet more people who fall into the third category -- a lot more. Feeling lonelier around others than when I'm by myself is messed up.

Stuck

Gay guys try and pick me up all the time and women think I'm a player. I'm not either. So, ahhh, what do I do?

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