Confessions

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Unexpected consequence

I work in a field where i am still expected to be out in public, doing my job every day, while taking every possible precaution. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but whenever i do interact with other people who are still out and about, most people seem so much friendlier since this virus came along. I feel like i'm back in Ontario again. It's nice.

I realize this is going to sound stupid...

my friend and I have been fooling around, off and on, for 6 months now, and it has occurred to me that I might be falling in love with him. How do does one know if they are in love? I'm too old to not know the answer to this, but it's really confusing when they are already your friend and you already care about them.

Funny

I smoked for 35 years. I quit years ago and it still seems weird. It was a habit for so long that I still can’t believe that I have no cravings to go to the store for cigarettes. And I was still drinking at that time. Well, good for me. I have to hang on to this because my life is not going well right now.

My poor knees

Every time you call out to me "hey girl" my knees melt. You're very likely not single (so goes my track record for men who behave this way towards me) but thanks for making my day anyway.

So lost

My partner and I started dating in our 30s, and I stupidly mentioned wanting kids after about a year of being together. He got spooked and now I’m afraid to bring it up again years later. Now I’m stuck thinking “do I break up with him to find someone who wants to start a family, or suck it up and be childless and sad but with someone I really fucking love”. First world problems, I get it. I’m just so fucking sad every time I see babies and kids because I want that life. Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

The Truth Is

I hate kids and 'breeders' because the woman I wanted to have children with didn't seem to want me back.

Oddly At Ease

My home life from 12 - 18 was chaotic and often violent. By the time I was 18, I was a ward of the province - something I sought for myself. What that early life experience did was create a sense of not knowing from one day to the next when *it* would happen or what would set *it* off. So... why plan much beyond a little ways ahead? On the one hand, this made me bemused and curious at the people whose life story was seemingly engineered at every step - that was not something I knew. Yeah, it made me a little jealous of those who had the privilege of time and deliberation, and a family or resources to call upon, but it also made me skeptical of narratives founded on the 'self made' trope. Chaos and happenstance was (and remains) the world I know. I'm pretty confident this made me psychologically resilient and fluid; you either conjured up meaning and reason day to day, or you dissolved into nihilism and despair. You can cure those with drink, drugs and of course, buying stuff - but that ain't gonna fill the hole for long. The key to me was understanding that I always and only had the thoughts in my head - those were my sole belongings til the day I left this earth. All I ever had and all I could ever really own was how I thought. So... this 'thing' is just more of the same. An indifferent universe meets the imagination. And whatever will be, will be.

Am I a bar person

So I have been letting my roommates friend stay here for the last month or so, free of charge. This person has not bought toilet paper once, leaves dirty dishes in the sink. We live in a small space and I’m beginning to get irritated by the extra person. Is it terrible of me to ask them to stay somewhere else given the COVID19 pandemic?

smoking indoors

now that we’re confining more in our sweets, can we not stop the smoking and vaping being inflicted on neighbours? I don’t want your lung poison anymore.

I Hate This

I'm so embarrassed to admit this but I am head over heels in love with my partner. We are married and this person loves me to death, and I feel the same. But part of me wonders how I could get by alone if something ever happened to them. By this I mean emotionally. We are both so connected and have almost become one. I mean this is over years and years and years of being together. Sometimes I wonder how I could survive without someone so wonderful. Ok, now I've written this all out. It sounds absurd!

I SAW YOU

Hey, my eyes are down

I’ve seen you, and I feel you’ve seen me.. ...

SAVAGE LOVE

Savage Love: Now is not the time to open things up

My husband and I got married in August of 2019 and we were together for over five years before getting married. I’m very happy and love him with all my heart.