Confessions

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Chemicals

I confess that I judge people for using those smelly chemicals like Febreeze, Axe body spray, heavy perfumes, fragrances for hair, room spray, scented candles, smelly cat litter, etc. What it tells me is that you are too dirty to clean yourself and your surroundings, so try to hide it by making everything smell like a road stop outhouse. It also says that you are too selfish to consider other people who may have their entire day or days ruined as a result of sharing an elevator, office, or grocery store lineup with you. That stuff is so nasty. It triggers migraines, asthma attacks, rosacea flare ups, and is full of chemicals linked to asthma and cancer, yet people waste their money on it and douse themselves in it. I am currently writing this with a flushed, pink and painful face after sharing an elevator with one such person. They were doused in perfume and hair spray, and likely only wash their hair once per week / go to bed with false eyelashes and makeup on. Disgusting. I confess that I judge. Okay, off to go live in a bubble.

A rare confession

I asked a girl out a few weeks ago. Feared rejection, but whatever, summers almost over and in a few weeks we'd not run into each other anymore. She said "sure". Went to a matinee, went for a walk, held hands. That's it. All I ever read in confessions is the "no's", lots of yes's happen too.

Weirded out

Let me start by saying that I’m a youngish senior woman. In my younger days I had no shortage of male attention. But I am a senior now and I think that I look it. So when I get male attention now it weirds me out, especially when the male in question is a LOT younger than me. Mostly I just think they’re confused or that I’m imagining it. But yesterday I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t imagining this guy who was at least 25-30 years younger than me following me around the grocery store. To be sure I wasn’t imagining it I wandered all over the place randomly. Everywhere I went he was right there. I thought maybe he was security and thought I was stealing, but there were a couple of instances where we accidentally (or was it?) bumped into each other and there was laughing and eye contact, so I think he was actually following me. It’s been so long (about 1 1/2 years at least) since I’ve been with anyone and I’m not expecting that I ever will be again, but now I’m wondering if I look as bad as I think I do or if I’m completely crazy! I’ve always been terrible at knowing when a man is interested in me or flirting. I take everyone at face value and I’m completely clueless when it comes to flirting of any kind. But I definitely did have a lot of younger men (like 20 years younger sometimes) hitting on me when I was a lot younger than I am now, so is it even possible still? Are there really young men out there who are actually attracted to much older women? I’m seriously asking because I’m weirded out by it.

Party of one

If you’ve never been responsible for another human being’s safety and care I think it affects how you interact in the world. The people I know who never had kids or had to take care of another person seem really different than the ones who did. Something about having to put your own wants and needs aside because you’re responsible for someone else definitely changes a person. The people I know who are my age (around 70) who have lived their whole lives only being responsible for themselves just can’t relate to what it’s like to have so many other obligations. They get frustrated and upset because they don’t understand why family stuff interferes with plans for things I might want to do. It’s tedious trying to explain why family illness or crises have to take precedence over a social event or something like that. They’re so used to only having to consider themselves that they just can’t understand what it’s like not to have that option. Like they never had to be responsible to pay for raising a child and take care of them no matter what you might have wanted to do instead. I’m not saying that everyone who didn’t have kids is awful or anything just that we’re not on the same wavelength a lot.

Forgiveness

7 years ago I met him, we fell in love quickly. Talked about the future. Then he completely ghosted me. Just disappeared. Gone from social media, changed his phone number. Now 7 years later he has reappeared. Married with a pregnant wife. He says he doesn't want anything, just needs my forgiveness. I'm not sure I can do that. I don't think he can even comprehend the level of hurt he inflicted.

All

Young or old. Lean or chonky. Vocal or quiet. Active or chill. Furry or hairless. Polydactyl. Tripod. Black. Calico. Tabby. It doesn't matter. I love all cats. Cats are comedy, joy, love and spice made flesh.

Gone from this place

It’s been 14 years since I last went to church. And I honestly don’t miss it.

I Finally Love Myself

It took a long time but it was well worth it. Challenge yourself. It's euphoric.

I’m not there yet

I want to be where you folks are, going out and seeing friends at events and enjoying! But it’s so much more complex than that. I have PTSD (and ADHD) and I was starting to work with this before the pandemic hit but was interrupted and had experiences throughout the pandemic that further aggravated my PTSD. I’m a mid 30s female. When I get together with folks now I’m confused by the interactions and uncomfortable, peoples boundaries seemed to have all but disappeared completely and they go for that hug without checking I want it, or they reach onto my plate and touch my food - I then can feel my whole body tense and my brain starts to skip like a discman on a jog. I may be reactive, I may excuse myself awkwardly, go to the bathroom just to get space and breath it out, I may pretend it’s totally ok but spend an hour over thinking it at home. It takes so much energy to engage that the thought of connecting with old friends exhausts me and I’m pretty sure I’m losing some of them. I get told not to be afraid - I AM NOT AFRAID - I have frigging PTSD and my body aches with tension when you get near me and my mind is always running on hyperdrive and feels like it’s wearing out. I don’t have compromised immunity, but this “pre existing condition” heavily impacted how I moved thru he pandemic and how my return to “normal”(?) will look.

I can only tell you what you won't get...

I asked a woman out awhile ago,she said no. No problem.but as is often the case, later on she's super friendly and trying to get me attention and when I saw her again recently I could tell she wanted me to ask her out again. When a woman plays hard to get the only thing I'm sure of is she won't ever get me.

I SAW YOU

Lo with our bikes on the Seabus Saturday...

This Saturday morning we both got on the Seabus headed to Waterfront. You had a well equipped and...